


Cuts and Kisses

by IsaacTheGreat69



Series: Cuts and Kisses [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-09 02:34:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 52,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7783414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsaacTheGreat69/pseuds/IsaacTheGreat69
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: There's no easy way to say this,<br/>TT: So I'll just say it.<br/>TT: John's depressed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cuts

**A/N: this was originally posted to Fanfiction.net, but I ran into some complications posting the sequel, so I'm moving the entire operation here**

A young man sits in his room on the 13th of April, 2016, brooding in low light. This young man's name is John Egbert.

John couldn't take it anymore. His Dad had died because of his choice to play that stupid game. And now that the game was over, he felt so alone. Sure, he went out with his troll and human friends a lot, but more and more lately he seemed to linger in the back of the group, his shoulders sagging and a frown on his face as he stared blankly at the carpet.

He walked through the empty house, glancing around at the mess of smuppets and troll romcom posters. The place was decent enough. It was one story, and had 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. John walked by Karkat's door and a ghost of a smile came on his face at the sign on his door.

**  
**

John walked past it into the kitchen. He didn't exactly know what he was looking for, but he would know it when he saw it. He pulled open the fridge, and shut it almost instantly. He was never hungry anymore. He walked around the kitchen, opening and closing every cabinet and drawer until he came upon the one that held the scissors. 

He slowly pulled them out, his gaze transfixed on the silver as the light shone off it. He laces his fingers through the handle and separates the two blades, a slight shiver going down his spine as a light _shhhhink_ sounds. These must be a new pair, perfect.

He holds them for a minute, debating his decision. Dave's working shorter hours this week, so if he doesn't want Dave asking questions, he'll have to hide his.....aha! John runs to his room and shuts the door, sitting on the bed with an _umph._

Slowly, he pulled up his shorts to reveal pale thighs in the dim light. He had never done this before, but he heard somewhere that it makes you feel good. Nervously he opened the scissors again and dragged one of the blades across his thigh. He lets out a very faint hiss and pulls the scissors away, surveying his leg. Crimson blood begins to pool over the cut and suddenly John feels a little of the black clouds over him begin to move away. He smiles for the first time in months and brings the blade back down to his leg, cutting again and again, each time feeling a little lighter as the unseen force is lifted from his shoulders.

After both of his thighs are cut up and he's stopped the bleeding, he hears the door open and close as Dave comes home from work.

“Hey John, I'm back....You awake?” He calls through the house. John quickly shoves the blood stained towel under his bed and Dave opens the door. John smiles up at him, hoping Dave can't somehow read his mind. Dave takes a few steps in and looks around the neat room. They usually don't go into each other's rooms, so this was rare for Dave to see it up close. He shook his head and turned to John.

“So how was your day? Or did you just wake up?” John rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I actually got up not too long ago... Say, what's for dinner?” Dave let out a small sigh and sat on John's bed, shifting it and making John's thighs burn as he tensed up.

“Ask Karkat when he gets back, it's his turn to make dinner today.” John smiles at him cheerfully, nodding his head.

“Okay!”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Karkat slams the door behind him and leaves behind a trail of curses as he makes his way to his room. John gets up and heads for Karkat's door, knocking lightly.

“The FUCK do you want?” John cringes before replying.

“I just- can I come in?” Karkat sighs at the other side of the door before muttering, “Fine, come in.” John opens the door slowly and enters Karkat's room. All along the walls are romcom posters, just like outside. His sickles are in one corner, looking like he just threw them there, and his- what did he call it? A recuperacoon??- was along the far wall. “Well?” John turns to Karkat. “What the fuck do you want Egbert?” John takes a few more steps into the room so he is in front of the troll. “I just....uhm..... What's for dinner?”

Karkat lets out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his temples. “Whatever I decide to fucking cook. It's not even time for dinner so why the fuck does it matter?” John looks at the ground, “Uhm.... I guess it doesn't, sorry.” He leaves the room, careful to shut the door behind him.

Today was John's birthday, but it seemed no one remembered. He didn't care though, he was used to it. He numbly walked back to his room, shutting the door almost inaudibly. He sat heavily on his bed and took the scissors he hid under his covers to examine them. The blade had a little blood on it, and he just stared unseeing at the red-on-silver until he heard a knock at the door. He put the scissors back under his blanket quickly.

“Come in.” He said flatly. Dave walked in looking a little embarrassed. He sat next to John and looked at him, John giving him a nervous glance. Dave was sitting right on the scissors, but he didn't seem to notice. “I just looked at my calendar and saw it's your birthday...” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking anywhere but at John. “Yeah, and...?” John inquired. He stared at his palms in his lap.

“If you want to go out to dinner, I can talk to Karkat for you...” He looked at John questioningly. John made eye contact with him, giving him a fake smile that hurt his chest. “Sure, that'd be fun.” Dave got up and started for the door. “Cool, and I'll call the others to come over too.” John just nodded as Dave closed the door, leaving to talk to Karkat. Within minutes he heard arguing coming from Karkat's room. He got up and headed for his door, putting an ear to the wall. He only caught parts of the conversation.

“We don't have the fucking money for anything special right now you ass.”

“Come on, it's the guys birthday.”

“No Dave, we don't have the fucking money.”

“But what if I-”

“No, you already have two jobs, you don't need a third.” It was true. Dave had two jobs. In the day he worked at a coffee shop, and at night he was a DJ at a club. Karkat worked at a library all day, which was ironic considering how loud he could be. John was the only one without a job. Dave was being overprotective of him, saying that he could take as much time as he want and he didn't need a job. He was convinced that John's dad's death was still affecting him, which was true.

John knocked on the door and the shouting stopped. He opened the door and looked at the ground as he said quietly, “We don't have to go out, I'm fine doing nothing.” Dave turned to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “No bro, we're celebrating your birthday.” He turned to Karkat, “Is that clear?” Karkat just huffed and turned back to his laptop. “Sure, whatever. Just don't come complaining to me when the bills come and we can't fucking pay for the place.”

John looked from Karkat to Dave, and then fixed his glance at the ground. “I can get a job too....” Dave just hugged him, saying into his ear, “No you don't. You don't need a job. We're okay. Okay?” John just nodded and Dave let him go. Karkat was grimacing at them when John looked. John turned to leave the room but was stopped when Dave caught his wrist. He turned around to see Dave glancing at him over his shades, worry in his ruby eyes.

“Hey Egbert, are you okay?” John faked a smile and replied, “Yeah, I'm fine, just a little tired.” Karkat got out of his seat and walked over to them. “Are you sure dumbass? You don't look okay to me.” John just nodded and released his arm from Dave's grip, heading back to his room and shutting the door softly. Dave and Karkat shared a worried look and glanced back at John's door. He definitely wasn't okay.


	2. Party Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Birthday dinner doesn't go as planned.

**A/N: I should've put this in the last chapter but you nooksuckers know I don't own Homestuck. So yeah, that's my disclaimer. Anyways, enjoy the new chapter.**

 

John jumps slightly at the knock on his door and walks over to open it. Seeing Karkat, he lets him in and the two sit on his bed. “Look, I know something's bothering you. I won't push you to tell me, but I just want you to know that you can talk to me anytime, okay?” John was stunned. Karkat was never this quiet, or caring for that matter. He looked at the troll to see his eyes filled with concern. “Okay, thanks Karkat.” He just nods and gets up, leaving John to think over what he said.

John wants to tell them what's wrong. He hates lying to his friends, but for some reason he feels this isn't something he can make better just by talking about it. He let out a sigh, sitting back on his bed. He looked around his room, feeling it grow smaller by the second. He closed his eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh and falling onto the bed. Before he knew it, he was asleep.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John woke with a start, hearing a knock on his door. “Come on John, we gotta go if we're going to make it on time,” came Dave's muffled voice on the other side of the door. John got up, stretching as he walked over to the door. He opened it to find Dave in a nice button-up shirt and black jeans. “Oh....Should I change?” Dave looked him up and down. He was wearing a blue shirt with his God Tier symbol and faded grey shorts. “Nah, you can dress however you want, it's your birthday.” John nodded and followed him out to the living room, where Karkat was waiting impatiently on the couch.

“So I just called Kanaya; her and Rose are on their way now and should get there about the same time as us. Gamzee and Tavros just left, and Sollux and Feferi are already there.” Karkat got up off the couch and Dave pulled out his phone, “What about Jade and the others?” Karkat grimaced and pulled out his own phone. “Equius and Nepeta are hitching a ride with Eridan. Terezi and the other humans are all taking the same car and just left as well.” He addressed John, “Now come on or we're going to be fucking late to your own party.”

John just blushed slightly and grabbed Dave's hand. “Oh yeah. Come on.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

By the time they got there, most of their friends were waiting outside the doors. The traffic was bad, making Karkat swear at nearly every car he saw. John just sat in the front shoosh papping him and Dave sat in the back rolling his eyes.

When they got close enough, they were met with smiles and waves, and Jade walked up and hugged all of them. Rose walked up and hugged John and Dave. “It's been a while, hasn't it?” Kanaya walked up behind them and smiled at John. “It has, how've you been?” John asked. Kanaya and Rose entwined their hands and looked at each other smiling. “Oh, we've been well, and you?” John just looked at Dave and Karkat nervously before replying, “It's been okay...”

With a wave from Dave, they all flooded into the restaurant. Dave talked to the lady at the front pedestal and sat next to John on one of the benches. He looked over at John, “She said it's about a 15 minute wait.” John just nodded silently, glancing around at all of his friends talking. He looked over at the pedestal and was surprised to see she was a troll. Then again, it wasn't that surprising. The new universe they were in had trolls and humans together.

15 minutes later, they were directed to a table near the back of the restaurant. The table was big, but they had to grab another to fit everyone. As soon as everyone was seated, they started conversing loudly. John looked around at his friends. 

John let out an inaudible sigh as a waiter walked over to them and got everyone's order. A few minutes later the waiter walked away, and the conversation continued. John felt something on his thigh and looked down to see Dave's hand. Without thinking, he entwined their fingers. He wasn't sure how he felt about Dave yet, but it was nice to have some contact from someone when he felt this lonely. Dave smiled at him and he smiled back. Dave leaned over the table slightly and shouted something at Terezi, who just stuck her tongue out in response. Dave and John laughed.

John looked over at Karkat, who was talking to Gamzee, no doubt having a 'feelings jam'. Jade was talking to Feferi and Nepeta about cats or something. Before he knew it, the food had arrived and the conversations settled down to the occasional comment or laugh. At some point during the meal, someone ordered John a piece of cake, and the waiter brought it out after everyone had finished. It had a blue candle in it, and everyone started singing Happy Birthday. John didn't hear them though, he just took his hand back from Dave and shut his eyes. When everyone finished, he opened his eyes and blew out the candle. Everyone cheered loudly and laughed when the candle ignited again.

John just sighed and blew it out again, grimacing when it lit back up. He blew it out again and let out a cry of anger when it lit back up again. He picked up the plate and threw the cake across the restaurant, and everything went silent. John just stood there breathing heavily, and everyone stared at him in disbelief. He was never one to get that mad. John looked around at the others and nearly knocked his chair over trying to leave.

He didn't stop until he reached the car, only realizing then that Karkat had the keys. He turned around to find himself face-to-face with Dave, who grabbed him by the shoulders after taking his shades off. He looked John in the eyes, and his intense gaze made John squirm.

“Hey man, what's up with you? You're starting to act like Karkat...” John looked at the ground, trying to come up with an answer. “John.” He looked up to see Karkat walking towards them, followed by Rose and Jade. Jade just gave him a wordless hug and Rose looked at him sympathetically. For some reason this bothered him; he felt like he didn't deserve their attention. Suddenly he wanted to have the scissors in his hand again. He looked at Dave. “Uhm.... Can we go home now?” Dave looked at Karkat questioningly. “Yeah, I already paid the bill. But we should at least say goodbye to everyone and let them know you're okay.”

They walked back into the restaurant and all of his friends were looking at him expectantly. He said goodbye quickly, not wanting to talk to anyone and left with Dave and Karkat in tow.

 

**A/N: found a flaw in the table plan, so i deleted the paragraph and just made yall a pic**  



	3. Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Dave explore their unnamed feelings, and Karkat is the unwilling auditory spectator.

When they got home, John went straight to his room, shutting the door loudly, not caring about the noise. Karkat and Dave shared a look and went to John's room. Dave knocked on the door but there was no response. Dave slowly opened the door to find John on his laptop. He had headphones on and he was facing away from them. Dave walked into the room followed by Karkat. Karkat tapped John's shoulder, making the boy jump.

John turned around and was surprised to find both Dave and Karkat in his room. He took his headphones off. “What do you guys want?” It came out harsher than he meant and he cringed. Karkat just brushed it off and responded, “We know you're not okay. Please talk to us?” John looked at Dave to see the concern on his face. He sighed and turned around fully, setting his laptop to the side. “I've just been thinking about my Dad a lot lately. That's all.” He looked at the ground, hoping they would accept his answer. Dave and Karkat made eye contact and turned back to John. Dave sat on his bed and put a hand on his back. “Are you sure that's it? Because you know you can tell us anything.” John nodded without looking up and Karkat quietly left the room.

When Karkat left, Dave scooted closer to John, wrapping his arm around the boy's shoulders. “Come on, I know that's not it.” John felt a sense of dread and turned to look at Dave. His hair was a little messy; he had probably been running his hand through it before he came in. His eyes were intense and he could see them through Dave's shades; they were so close. He looked down at his lips; they were so soft. Before he knew what he was doing, he was kissing Dave, one hand in his hair, the other on his chest.

At first Dave didn't do anything, he just stared at John wide eyed. Then he allowed his eyes to close and kissed back. He put his arms around John's waist and he pulled him closer until they were flush against each other. They slowly started to fall back on John's bed, never breaking the kiss. Dave was on top, and started to reach a hand up under John's shirt. John let out a soft moan which was muffled by the kiss. Dave smirked and started running his hand along John's chest, pulling his shirt up and exploring him with both of his hands.

John brought his other hand up to Dave's hair and ran his fingers along his blonde locks. John arched his back when Dave found a nipple, twisting it and flicking it. John let out a moan and broke the kiss to breathe. Dave started kissing his jaw, working his way down and occasionally stopping to bite or suck on his pale skin. He bit John's collar bone teasingly and John arched into his touch as Dave ran his hands along his stomach. John moved his hands to lift up Dave's shirt and he pulled it over his head, throwing it across the room. He started to run his hands along his chest, coming down to his pants and playing with the hem, making Dave grip him and kiss him more intensely. Dave moved so he was straddling John's hips and started to suck on his chest.

John started to undo Dave's pants and pulled them down to his ankles. Dave squirmed until they fell off, hitting the floor as Dave came back up to capture John's lips in another kiss. John wrapped his arms around Dave's chest and pulled him closer. Dave started unbuttoning John's pants and pulled them off, never breaking the kiss. John tensed up for a second, remembering the cuts he had on his thighs but was broken away from his thoughts when Dave started playing with John's boxers, lightly pulling on the elastic before bringing his hand up to John's face. John bucked his hips and Dave laughed, breaking the kiss and moving down to John's boxers. He pulled down his boxers and licked at his member, making John moan. He smiled and put the whole length in his mouth, moving up and down, occasionally using his teeth to make John gasp.

John bucked his hips, moaning, and Dave started moving faster. “Dave...” Dave smiled and licked the tip, making John squirm. “D-Dave....I'm gonna....!” John came in Dave's mouth and he swallowed all of it, coming back up to John's face and creating another kiss. John started to shakily take off Dave's boxers as the kiss continued, getting deeper and more hungry. Dave licked at John's lips and he opened his mouth. Immediately Dave's tongue started to explore John's mouth, eliciting another moan from the other boy. John and Dave's tongues danced around each other. Dave broke the kiss to look around John's room.

“Where do you keep the....” John pointed to his bedside table, and Dave grabbed the lube. He came back and took John's mouth in another kiss as he prepared to enter John. He quickly put some lube on his fingers and stuck the first in. “God John.... You're so tight...” John writhed around on the bed, slightly uncomfortable, trying to get used to the feeling of something inside him as Dave slipped in another finger and began to scissor them. John let out a slight moan and gripped the sheets as Dave put in a third finger. When he was sure John was prepared, he pulled out the fingers, earning a whimper from the boy. Dave laughed lightly and positioned himself over John's entrance.

He looked at John and he nodded, signaling he was ready. Dave pushed in slowly, and John let out a small cry. It hurt, but it felt good at the same time. He arched his back and Dave started a steady rhythm, pulling out and thrusting back in, making John cry out in pleasure. He didn't care if Karkat heard them, he wasn't even thinking of the troll as his vision went white hot with pleasure. After a few minutes they were both breathing heavily and Dave bent down to kiss John. John slid his tongue in Dave's mouth and the kiss quickly grew hurried. He licked Dave's tongue playfully and explored his partner's mouth.

“J-John, I'm-!” Dave came inside John and John shivered, his insides filling with warmth. Dave fell beside him smiling, trying to catch his breath. John looked at him with his goofy grin and said, “Let's not tell Karkat about this.” Dave just laughed and responded, “I have a feeling he already knows, you were pretty loud John.” John blushed and hit Dave in the shoulder playfully. “I-I was not!” Dave wrapped an arm around John and laughed. “Sure you weren't.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

In the kitchen, Karkat was beat red, trying not to listen to the sounds that John and Dave were making in his room. _It's not what you're thinking, they're not having sex. They're just..... Fighting over something....._ He knew it wasn't true, but it was better than admitting the....slightly disturbing and depressing truth. The noises stopped and a few minutes later the two came out, fully clothed but their hair a mess. “He-” John cleared his throat. “Hey Karkat.” He said with a smile, as if the troll hadn't just heard the two having sex. “Hey Egbert....” Karkat refused to make eye contact; this was so embarrassing. “Wanna watch a movie?” Dave started making his way to the living room. “Sure! Can we-”

“We're not watching Con Air..... Or anything with Nic Cage.” Karkat snickered and followed the two into the living room.


	4. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John begins to have nightmares about his friends and family.

John woke up to see the credits of the movie they were watching scroll by. He had fallen asleep on Karkat's shoulder, and at some point he and Dave had started holding hands. He sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looked at the time from the clock on the wall; 12:34 AM. He stood up, putting a hand on Dave's shoulder. Dave woke up with a start and stared at John, smiling slightly through his shades. “Come on, we need to go to bed...” He glanced at Karkat and shook his head; it was never a good idea to wake up Karkat. He grabbed Dave's hand, earning a smile from the other as he dragged him out of the room.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

When Karkat finally woke up, it was well into the day. He swore and started to get ready for the day. He checked the clock on the wall. He was late! He rushed out the door without even saying anything to John and went off to work.

John woke up about an hour later, wondering around the quiet house looking for something to do. He tidied up here and there, and by noon he had nothing to do, so he returned to his room. He opened his laptop, sitting at his desk and opened his Pesterchum. The only one on was Jade, so he decided to pester her.

 

John shut his laptop, pondering over what Jade had said. He sat on his bed, pulling out the scissors from yesterday. He was so deep in thought inspecting them, when he heard a _ping!_ From his laptop it made him jump. He moved back to his desk and opened his laptop to see who was pestering him.

 

John sat there staring at the chat for a few minutes before he heard the door slam and a string of curses filled the house. John got up off the bed and went to the front of the house. He saw Karkat and walked up to greet him. “Hey Karkat. So I was looking through the kitchen for something to make for dinner tonight and I need to go to the store! What do you feel like having tonight? Dave said he's going to be late coming home so it looks like it might just be you and me.” Karkat grimaced at him and replied, “I don't care, whatever the fuck you feel like cooking.”

Karkat pushed past John and his smile was instantly replaced by a frown. “Okay,” He said quietly, “I'm going to head to the store now.” He grabbed the keys and headed out the door before Karkat could say anything. He sat staring at the door before he turned around and headed for John's room, something was up, and he was determined to find out what.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John walked through the store quietly, thinking to himself. As he walked, he got some stuff for dinner and grabbed some gushers. _Never forget the gushers._ He told himself. He went to the checkout and the cashier smiled at him. He smiled back, but it was fake. It seemed she could tell because she looked him in the eyes and said, “What's wrong?” John was just about to speak when she interrupted. “Oh I hope that wasn't nosy! I'm sorry!” John laughed, “No, you're okay. I've just been.... Stressed lately... Is all.” She sighed lightly and continued ringing him up. “Oh is that so? I'm sorry. Hopefully things get better for you sir. Remember, don't let them take away your sparkle~! That'll be $20.18.” John blinked before responding an intelligent, “huh?” She laughed, “$20.18 please.” John dug a hand into his pocket, blushing slightly as he handed her the exact change. “Thank you, have a nice day~.” John nodded and walked back out in the heat to his car.

The drive back was uneventful, and he was back in his home's driveway in what seemed like seconds. He took the groceries inside and was surprised to find the place completely silent as he shut the door behind him, shouting, “I'm home!” He made his way to the kitchen and set down the groceries and knocked on Karkat's door. “Yo Karkat, you there?” John's door was open a crack and he heard, “In here.”

John opened his door to find Karkat looking through his room. He swallowed and wondered if Karkat found his secret. “What are you d-doing in my room Karkat?” Karkat pretended not to hear the stutter and looked up at John. “I was trying to find some semblance of what the fuck's up with you, since you won't tell anyone.” He gave John a leveled stare and walked up to him. “Why won't you fucking tell me or Dave what's up? We know you're not okay so don't fucking lie again.” John backed up and his back hit the wall. “I- I'm just a little stressed, that's all, I swear.” He looked off somewhere, anywhere but at Karkat. “I got the groceries, so I..... I'm going to go make dinner.” He tried to smile but it came off too weak. He hurried out of the room and Karkat went back to his room, slamming the door behind him and making John cringe as he passed by.

John walked back into the kitchen, grabbing pots and pans so he could start dinner. Suddenly he heard swearing and loud crashes from Karkat's room and he hurried over to see what happened. He opened the door to find Karkat in the middle of his floor crying, surrounded by pieces of broken figures and glass. John carefully made his way into the room, watching every step because he was barefoot. Finally he made it to the crying troll and he put a hand on his shoulder. “Karkat? What's wrong? Are you okay?” Karkat quickly spun around and swatted his hand away. “HOW DARE YOU!” John backed up quickly, not watching where he was going as a piece of glass sank into his heel and he grimaced. “W-what?” he asked timidly. Karkat let out a noise that sounded halfway between a laugh and a cry. “YOU DON'T TRUST US! YOU DON'T TRUST ME! WHY DO I EVEN TRY? YOU'LL NEVER TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG! SO WHY SHOULD I CARE? BUT FOR SOME REASON I DO! AND I DON'T-” He stood up, “KNOW-” He took a step forward, and John took a step back. “WHY!!!” He punched the wall next to him and sunk to his knees, hiding his crying face in his hands.

John slowly got down on his knees and wrapped his arms around Karkat. Karkat buried his face in John's shirt as sobs wracked his body and he started muttering barely coherent “why”s. John gently stroked his back, rocking back and forth slightly. “I'm sorry.” John said quietly into his ear. “I'm sorry.” John started rubbing circles in Karkat's back and muttering reassurances in his ear. Karkat put his hands on John's chest, hitting him with soft punches as he cried, “Why can't you trust us? You fuckass! We just want you to be happy!” John closed his eyes. “I'm sorry Karkat..... I'm trying but..... I can't seem to _be_ happy anymore.”

Once Karkat had settled down, John convinced him to go to bed. Once the troll was asleep, he snuck back into his room and sat on his bed. He pulled out his scissors. _See what you did? You made Karkat cry. You're such an ass to everyone, you don't deserve them._ He cut. _You even killed your dad, you idiot. If only you hadn't played that game, then everyone would be okay. Your dad, Rose's mom, Dave's bro. They'd be alive. They'd be much happier._ He cut. _Now they're starting to realize it too. They hate you for getting their families killed. You're useless, no one wants you._ He cut deeper. He set down the scissors and curled up on his bed, tears stinging in his eyes.

He lay there on his bed, crying for what felt like hours until he fell asleep. His dreams were plagued by nightmares of Dave and Karkat screaming at him, telling him they hated him, that everything was his fault. Suddenly Rose and Jade showed up, crying about how the ones they loved the most were gone, and John's heart ached for them. He tried to reach out and comfort them, but they turned on him and joined Karkat and Dave in torturing him. He writhed on his bed, getting tangled in his blanket. He cried out to his friends, trying to apologize, but every time he said something they only became louder.

Suddenly the floor caved in on him, and the darkness swallowed him. A light turned on, illuminating a figure in the distance. With better focus John realized it was his dad, and a smile broke out on his face. His dad stepped closer, and John became aware of the scowl on his face. Suddenly he became cold, and he tried to back away from his dad, but something had a hold of his limbs, and he couldn't move. He tried to cry out but nothing made it past his lips. His father walked up to him, his features sharply defined by the light shining down on him. _“It's your fault I'm dead. You just had to play that game, didn't you. If only you had refused. We would still be alive and I would be making cakes and talking to my colleagues. We could be happy. We could be home, not in some strange universe with these.... Aliens. It's all your fault.”_ By this point tears were flooding down John's face and he tried to block out what his dad was saying. Out of nowhere his dad pulled out a switchblade and dug it into John's stomach. John cried out, folding in on himself and he hit the floor as whatever was holding him back disappeared. His dad was suddenly by his side, crouching down and holding the blade to his still crying face. _“Let's see how you like dying.”_ He stabbed him again. And again. And again and John couldn't do anything but beg him to stop as blood pooled on the ground.

Suddenly he heard voices, but he couldn't tell what they were saying. After a few minutes it became clear. “John! John wake up!” He felt a hand slap his wet cheek. “John!” Then there were shuffling noises and the voice became more distant as a pounding sounded through his head. “Karkat! Karkat wake up! It's John! I can't get him to wake up!” Then the voice was back, and another one tried to shout over it. “John you nook-sucking ass-stain, wake up!” All he could hear and feel was the scream of those voices and the knife entering and exiting his body as his friends sat back and watched.

Something grasped his shoulders and he panicked, trying to fight it off. “JOHN!!!” He sat up in his bed and opened his eyes, shaking and blindly hitting away whatever was holding him as he cried out. “Get away from me! Go away! Please stop it! You're hurting me dad! Please stop! Please!” He collapsed into the figure in front of him as sobs rendered him mute. He clung to the – newly determined – body and cried until he couldn't make a sound. He opened his eyes and pulled away, looking at the thing he was crying on. It was Dave. Dave pulled him back into the hug, rubbing circles in his back. “Ssssshhhhh. It's okay. It was just a dream. You're okay. No one is going to hurt you.” More tears found their way down his face and he buried his face in Dave's chest, gripping his shirt tightly.

Suddenly John pulled away, curling in on himself. Dave tried to make him open up but his muscles had gone rigid. Dave sighed and dragged a hand through his hair, taking a few steps back from the terrified boy. Karkat sat on John's bed, putting a hand on the boy's head. John visibly jumped at the contact and went back to shaking. Karkat began to pet John's head and whisper reassurances to him, just as he had done earlier. John relaxed a little and scooted closer to Karkat. Dave, thinking John was okay, left the room to go get some sleep. Karkat slowly wrapped his hands around John, trying to get him to relax enough to open up from himself. John complied, resting his head on Karkat's lap.

Karkat continued to pet his hair, and after some time asked, “Will you tell me what the dream was about?” For a second John tensed up, and his face filled with fear. Just as fast as it happened, he relaxed. Karkat waited a minute before John responded, “It was....” His voice was quiet, fragile, as if one wrong move and he would never talk again. “ It was...... You, Dave, Rose, and Jade....” Karkat waited to see if he'd continue. “....Yeah?” John took a deep breath. “You were all screaming at me..... You were all blaming me for what happened to us..... You all hated me.” At this he began to curl back in on himself slightly. Karkat glanced down at John's face, twisted in pain as he relived his nightmare. “No one wanted me anymore, no one cared. You all hated me..... And my dad.....” He began to choke up, tears reappearing in his eyes. Karkat noticed and started petting his hair again. “Sshhhhhh. It's okay. You don't have to tell me. It was just a dream. It's okay. You're okay.... I don't hate you.” John took a deep breath before continuing, scooting closer to Karkat. “My dad..... He hated me too..... He..... He stabbed me.... He wanted me to die.” His voice cracked on that last word and his body shook in a silent cry. Karkat moved his hand to John's back and ran his hand up and down soothingly. As what he had said sunk in, Karkat began to feel sorry for John. That would be horrible.... To be hated and killed by your family like that. He was almost glad it was a dream. The poor kid would probably be traumatized for a while.

John calmed down, looking up at Karkat and asking, “Hey Karkat,”

“Hm?”

“Can you...... Sleep with me?.... Please don't leave.” He wrapped his arms around Karkat's waist and dug his face into his shirt. Karkat let out an inaudible sigh and laid down next to John, wrapping him up in a hug. John turned around in his arms to face Karkat and closed his eyes. Within minutes he was asleep, and Karkat laid there, watching the steady rise and fall of John's chest. He closed his eyes and slowly drifted off, wishing John would rest peacefully.


	5. Two Parties In a Row

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During a party Dave is DJing at, Karkat and John end up in close quarters, and Karkat finds out about John's secret.

**A/N: this chapter is going to have a lot of switching. Not sorry but you can deal with it hehehe**

 

John woke up to Karkat's arms around him, and he closed his eyes, relaxing into the touch. Karkat stirred and John opened one eye to see him waking up as well. John smiled, “Hey Karkat.” He said, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Karkat looked up at him, sitting up in bed, and smiled. “Feeling better Egbert?” John nodded, remembering last night. He rubbed his neck awkwardly and looked at the bedside clock. _Uh oh..._ “Uhm.... Karkat?” Karkat followed his gaze. “Oh shit! I gotta get ready! Fuck!” He hurried out of John's room to get ready for work. Dave had already left for his day job and soon John was the only one in the house. Again.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave sat on the other side of the counter, taking people's orders. He had no idea why people would want to order coffee when it's this hot out. The worst thing was, it was only March. It shouldn't _be_ this fucking hot! Dave shrugged it off though. They could do whatever they wanted, as long as he got paid. The girl in front of him gave her order and he wrote it on a cup and handed it to a co-worker. “Next.” He said as she walked away. Dirk walked up to the counter. “Hey bro, what's up?” Dirk smiled and leaned an elbow on the counter. “I'm having a party later. You think you can take off some time and bring your roomies too?” Dave looked at him suspiciously. “Sure, what time?” Dirk looked at his wrist for the watch he didn't have. “I don't know, somewhere around 10. And it goes until the last person crashes.” Dave thought about it. It would be good for John to get out and have a little fun. “Sure, we'll be there.” Dirk smiled at his brother. “Cool, now then, I want a coffee. Straight black, nothing in it. Is that clear?” Dave just nodded, grabbing a cup and writing down the order. “Sure, now go take a fucking seat bro.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Karkat was putting away some books when his boss snuck up on him. “Hey Karkat.” He jumped slightly, turning around to see Vriska carrying her own stack of books. “Yeah?” She smirked down at him, “Don't space out like that, you're going to screw up.” Karkat just grumbled something under his breath and turned back to the bookshelf. He couldn't help thinking about John. He wondered if he was okay by himself in the house for a few hours. Karkat shrugged. What was he going to do anyway? He sighed and put ALB118 in its spot, moving on to the next book.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John played with the scissors on his bed. He had no intention of actually cutting himself right now, but it was fun to just screw around and have something to do. _Ping!_ He turned to his laptop. Someone was pestering him. He pulled his computer onto his lap and opened it up to see who it was.

 

He was just about to shut his laptop when he heard another _ping!_ It was Jade.

 

John sighed and shut his laptop. Why did Dave have to go telling everyone about his nightmare? Was this national Make John Feel Like Shit month? John looked at his alarm clock just as his phone went off, playing Cooler Than Me. John blushed slightly and picked it up. Why couldn't anyone leave him alone?

**From: Dave**

yo john

**From: Dave**

egbert

**From: Dave**

dude

**To: Dave**

what?

**To: Dave**

dude what is it? u dont need 2 send me 10 thousand txts

**From: Dave**

yeah sorry

**From: Dave**

but bro is having a party

**To: Dave**

rly? When?

**From: Dave**

(1/2)2nite, sometime around 10

he said it goes til the last guy passes out

so basically until he wakes up and kicks evry1 out

i think ill be the dj but theres no reason you cant come and have fun

if you rly want we can

**From: Dave**

(2/2)invite the girls so theres some1 you know

but I thnk the trolls and our kid parents are coming so its not like ull be a total stranger

**To: Dave**

hmmmmmmmmmm

**To: Dave**

ill thnk bout it

**To: Dave**

you know im no good at parties

**From: Dave**

dude plz

**From: Dave**

do you know how uncool it is to go by urself

**From: Dave**

I need u there

**To: Dave**

*sigh*

**To: Dave**

fine

**From: Dave**

thx bro

**To: Dave**

whatevr

John set his phone back on his bedside table and fell back on his bed with a sigh. Great, so now he has to go to a party tonight. So much for a relaxing night. Two parties in a row! _Well,_ he reasoned with himself, _I don't know if you would consider having dinner and flipping your shit a party...._ John sighed. He's been acting like a child, throwing tantrums and crying over nightmares. It would do him good to go to a party with a bunch of friends. He picked his phone back up to text Dave.

**To: Dave**

hey dave

**To: Dave**

im gonna invite the grls

**To: Dave**

k?

**From: Dave**

sure dude do whatevr

**To: Dave**

k thx

 

**To: Rose**

hey rose

**To: Rose**

u want 2 go 2 a party 2nite?

**From: Rose**

Hmmmmm

**From: Rose**

Can Kanaya come?

**To: Rose**

sure

**From: Rose**

Let me ask.

**From: Rose**

Okay we'll be there.

**From: Rose**

What time does it begin and where?

**To: Rose**

its @ dirks house

**To: Rose**

and it strts at 10 and goes 2 wenevr

**From: Rose**

Okay.

**From: Rose**

Thanks.

**To: Rose**

no prob

 

 

**To: Jade**

hey jade

**To: Jade**

jaaaaaaaaade

**From: Jade**

hi john! :D

**From: Jade**

whats up?

**To: Jade**

dirk is having a party 2nite

**To: Jade**

I was wondering if u wanted 2 come

**From: Jade**

hmmmmmm

**From: Jade**

who will be there?

**To: Jade**

as far as I know?

**To: Jade**

rose and kanaya, me, dave, our kid parents, and some trolls

**From: Jade**

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

**From: Jade**

sure! :D

**To: Jade**

cool

**To: Jade**

the party strts @ 10

**From: Jade**

okay! ill be there! :B

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave went to the back employee's lounge and hung up his apron, saying goodbye to the few people still there. He walked out to his car, cursing the heat. He opened the door and a smuppet fell out. Bending down to pick it up, he wondered how it had gotten there in the first place. _It was probably bro. He probably did it on his way home._ Dave scowled and threw the smuppet across the parking lot, hitting an old lady in the head. Before she could figure out who threw it, he was in his car and driving home.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Karkat practically slammed the last book in its place and headed for the door. He didn't even look at Vriska as he said his goodbye. “See ya tomorrow Vriska.” He said with  a blind wave in her direction. “Yeah, see ya.” She was too busy reading a magazine that was probably older than her. Karkat exited the building so fast he ran into a man walking down the sidewalk and they both landed on their asses. “Watch where you're fucking going nooksniffer!” The man was surprised by his language and said a weak apology as they both got up, dusting off their pants. “Yeah whatever. Stay out of my way.” Karkat shoved his hands in his pockets and headed for his car. He looked down the road in the direction of his house, scowling at all the cars lined up. There was going to be a lot of traffic today.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave made it home a few minutes before Karkat, shutting the door with his foot as he called through the halls, “John~! I'm home~!” John jumped in his room, shoving the scissors under his bed with the bloody towel and getting up with a grimace. His thighs burned every time he moved. Dave met John in the hall, looking him up and down when John wouldn't say anything. “Dude are you okay? You look like you're in pain.” John straightened up, relaxing his face. “Yeah I'm fine, I just pulled something.” Dave shrugged and wondered into the kitchen. “That sucks. Will you be able to party tonight? I can call Dirk and cancel if I need to. Oh and I got take-out, hope you like Chinese.” John laughed softly to himself. “ I'm fine, you don't need to cancel anything. I texted Rose and Jade, they're coming, and Rose is bringing Kanaya. And of course I like Chinese, it's all you get when it's your turn to cook.” It was true. Dave couldn't cook to save his life, so it was only his turn to make dinner about two or three times a month.

Karkat slammed the door behind him, swearing as usual. “There was an assload of traffic today. Where the fuck do so many people need to go at once to back up the fucking road that much?!” John walked out to the living room and took Karkat's bag, setting it on the coffee table. “Hey Karkat, how was work?” Karkat shot him a glare. “It was fucking work, how do you think it was? Oh that's right, you don't have a fucking job!” Karkat's voice had raised in volume with each word, and by the last word John had to cover his ears. Dave walked in, putting a hand on Karkat's shoulder. “Dude chill out, we're going to a party tonight, so eat up.” He said, handing Karkat a take-out container of Chinese food. “Why are we going to a fucking party?” Karkat asked as he sat on the couch with his food. Dave handed John a container as well. “Because my bro is throwing a party and because we need to get out of the fucking house more. Also because I said so.” Dave sounded like a parent sometimes in that respect that he expected you to just go along with what he said. It made John smile.

After the boys had finished their dinner, they returned to their rooms to get ready for the party and relax. Dave's raps blared through the whole house as he made some new beats for the party. Karkat was playing one of his romcoms really loud to hear it over Dave's 'trash'. John just sat at his laptop quietly, sighing at the occasional argument that would break out about the noise. He figured now would be as good a time as any to catch up on Problem Sleuth.

As John read, the noise got louder and the arguments got more intense until John couldn't focus. He had had enough. Fuming, he opened his door and screamed at the top of his lungs, “WILL YOU BOTH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP? JESUS YOU'RE BOTH SO FUCKING LOUD!” He slammed his door, leaving Dave and Karkat to stand in the hall in awkward silence.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

They finally arrived at the party, which was already in full swing. Dave ran inside to talk to Dirk and get started at the DJ table. Karkat and John walked in slowly, a bit nervous about the noisiness of the whole thing. Rose and Jade met them at the door, and of course Kanaya was holding hands with Rose. They said their hello's and walked inside, immediately losing each other in the crowd. John and Karkat were still together, holding hands so as not to get separated.

True to the Strider's word, John could see their kid parents and the other trolls in the crowd. He pulled Karkat by the hand until they met Gamzee and started talking. “Hey motherfuckers!” Gamzee shouted over the music. “Hey Gamzee! I didn't know you would be here! This doesn't seem like something you would do!” Gamzee grinned. “Well I was all up and getting my pie eating on when Tavbro told me about the party. I figured it'd be good for him to get up and social, you know?” John and Karkat nodded their heads, barely hearing any of that over the music. “Well, I gotta go find my soulbrother, I think I got to losing him in the crowd. See you motherfuckers later.” John just smiled and waved as Gamzee walked away, leading Karkat farther into the crowd.

“Uh, John?” Karkat poked John's arm and he turned to the troll, “It's fucking crowded in here. Why are we here? It's fucking stupid.” John looked around before responding, “Well Dave wanted us to come, and besides it's better than sitting around all night watching romcoms and Nic Cage.” Karkat just scowled as John turned back around and continued weaving through the mass of people.

A few minutes later, they broke through to the other side and walked along the edge of the group until John found a door and opened it. Good, it was empty. They entered and Karkat closed it for a little privacy. They could barely hear the commotion going on outside as they relaxed into a couch running along the length of the wall. Karkat glanced at John through the side of his vision to see him staring at his lap. “Hey John,” He sat up and looked at Karkat, slightly concerned. “Are you okay? You look a little down.” Karkat thought about it for a minute. “ Oh fuck, was it what I said earlier? Fucking forget it, I was mad, I didn't mean it.” It took John a minute to realize what Karkat was talking about. “Oh! No it's fine, I wasn't thinking about that.” Karkat gave him a questioning look, “Then what?” John looked back down at his lap. “Just.... My dad.” He admitted. Karkat wasn't even thinking when he took John in a hug, pulling him close. “I'm sorry,” he said, “If it makes you feel better, my lusus is dead.” John thought for a minute. “.... No, that doesn't help...” Karkat laughed softly. “Sorry, I fucking suck at comforting people.”

John turned to Karkat, returning the hug. He rested his head in the crook of Karkat's neck, taking in his scent. John briefly wondered what it would be like to smell colors, but his thoughts were cut off when he felt Karkat's lips on his. John wasn't even surprised. His eyes slowly slid shut and he moved his hands to Karkat's hips and Karkat's went to John's hair, tangling in his messy black locks.

Karkat bites John's lip softly, and he holds back a moan. John licks Karkat's lips, and Karkat allows him entrance. John's tongue explores Karkat's mouth briefly before being met by his tongue and they dance around each other. Karkat presses his tongue into John's mouth, making the other moan. Karkat smirks and licks John's tongue before pulling it out playfully. John's tongue follows as Karkat goes to take off his and John's shirts. John's hand slides up to feel Karkat's chest and is surprised to find he doesn't have a belly button or nipples. He gets over it quickly and captures Karkat in another kiss.

Karkat's hands are exploring John's chest and stop at his nipples, flicking one and twisting it experimentally. John moans into the kiss and arches his back. Karkat arches an eyebrow and rubs his index finger over it as it hardens. Smirking, Karkat moves his mouth down to suck on John's neck. John moans again and puts his hands in Karkat's hair, rubbing his horns. Karkat breaks away from John to let out a loud moan and John trails his hands over the other's horns again.

Karkat sucks on a nipple and John mewls. Karkat smirks and starts playing with the other one, making John restless under him. Karkat moves so he's straddling John and goes to remove his shorts. John quickly snaps back to reality and grabs Karkat's hands, worried he'll see his thighs. Karkat looks up at his face, a little hurt. “What's up? Are you not ready?” He pulls his hands away. “It's okay if you aren't. We can take things slow.” John looks at Karkat's hands, his wrists still being gripped by his own hands. “N-no. It's not that I'm not ready. It's just......” Karkat looks at him expectantly, “Just what?” John shakes his head. “Nothing, never mind.” Before Karkat can object he steals his lips in another kiss and the two are back to being intense. Karkat's hands move back to John's shorts and he tries to relax as Karkat pulls them down and throws them on the floor. He's still wearing his boxers, and Karkat brings his hands back up. One plays with John's nipple, the other explores his chest. John brings his hands to Karkat's chest and they slowly wander down to his pants. Karkat makes no movement to object as John pulls them down and he shimmies them down the rest of the way until he kicks them off somewhere.

John kisses and sucks on Karkat's neck, making him moan. Karkat's fingers reach John's boxers, playing with the elastic as he slowly pulls them down. John's heart speeds up, and he looks down to see if Karkat noticed. Karkat's gaze is fixed on him, his hands on the sides of John's thighs. _As long as he doesn't look down....._ John cupped Karkat's face and kissed him deeply, pushing his tongue into the other's mouth. Karkat's hands ran down John's thighs and  went up to his own boxers. He hesitated for a moment, breaking away from the kiss.

“Uhm.... Don't freak the fuck out....” He slowly pulls down his boxers and John's eyes go wide at the sight of Karkat's..... Appendage. The tentacle writhed around, all red and covered in something..... Slippery as it moved around like it had a mind of its own. John watched with a heated blush as it wrapped around his member; it was hot and smooth to the touch. It started to slowly move up and down his shaft, and he arched his back. Karkat came down for another kiss and John obliged. He moaned as the tentacle stopped to slip between his legs, ghosting over his entrance.

John gasped against Karkat's lips as the tentacle slid into him. He could feel it twisting around inside him and he pulled Karkat closer. After John had gotten used to the tentacle it thrashed inside of him, coiling and pressing and prodding, attempting to loosen him up. John let out a hitched cry as it located his prostate, churning inside him, hitting that spot again and again, making white light dance across his vision. “I don't think I can..... I'm gonna-” John came, a shiver going down his spine. Karkat smiled and licked the cum off John's chest. John looked into his lust-filled eyes and let out a small moan.

John's prostate was hit again and he tightened around the tentacle, arching his back, letting out a breathless gasp. The action made Karkat come, some of it on John's and his chest. Karkat laid next to John on the couch, one arm around his waist as they both caught their breath. Karkat ran his hand along John's side, stopping at his thigh. “John,” John looked back at him, “Hm?” Karkat sat up and looked at John's thighs, running his thumb along the cuts. “What..... Why did you do this?” John swallowed hard. “I- what are you talking about?” Karkat scoffed. “Don't lie to me you ass, I can SEE your thigh! Why did you do it?”


	6. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat confronts John on his behavior, and it leads to a confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: editing right now and this sounds soooooooooo cringy i am so sorry  
> some day im going to seriously like  
> read through this  
> and fix it because its /bad/

“Uhm....” Karkat glared down at John. “Well?...... Why didn't you tell me? Or Dave? Why did you keep it a secret from us?” John looked away, he couldn't stand to look at Karkat right now. “I..... I don't know....” Karkat growled softly. “Of course. You 'don't know'. More like you don't want _us_ to know. I thought I could trust you, but how can I when you don't trust me?” John flinched. This was it, his nightmare was coming true. Karkat hated him now. Once Dave found out, he would hate him too. John's heartbeat began to speed up as he stood up, rushing to put his clothes on. Karkat stood up as John began walking out the door. “Where the hell are you going?” John didn't look back as he ran through the crowd, pushing people to reach the front door. He barely heard Karkat call his name as he slammed the front door, running to the car.

John pulled on the car door. It was locked. He turned around and saw Karkat closing the front door, heading towards him. He ran down the street, forgetting the car as he tried to get away from the person he assumed hated him. He couldn't go home, they hated him. He tried to think of a safe place to go, but his mind came up blank. Panic overtook him as he began to feel helpless and alone; his nightmare came back to him in full force and he crumpled to the ground in the middle of the street. Karkat ran after him, halting in shock as he saw headlights in he distance. John just sat in the road, hands pulling at his hair, crying out in the night.

Karkat sped up, trying to reach John before the car did. John saw headlights and looked up, staring at the light as arms were wrapped around him and he was pulled to the side. A car horn blared as it drove by and John blinked. When he realized what happened, he lashed out, making Karkat release him. “Stay away from me! Go away!” John's eyes were tightly shut and his fists flew around blindly, trying to keep Karkat away. Suddenly Dave was at his side, putting a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down. John's fist came up by Dave's face, knocking his shades away. They clattered onto the street and he ducked his face from view. He crouched down beside John and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “John, it's okay. This isn't a dream, you're okay. Open your eyes. You're safe.” John slowly opened his eyes, tears pricking up. Dave stood up and Karkat was on him immediately, hugging him and petting his hair as he began to cry.

John turned to face Karkat and hugged him tightly, wrapping his hands in the fabric of Karkat's sweater. Dave walked back into the house, content that John was in good hands. Gamzee came out of the house, followed by Tavros on his robolegs. “Hey motherfuckers, what are you getting all up to?” Karkat looked up at Gamzee, “Gamzee please, can't you see I'm fucking busy?” Gamzee looked from John's shaking figure to Karkat. “Whoa best friend, sorry, didn't see the wicked feels jam you're all up and in.” Tavros walked up beside him and Gamzee put a hand around his waist. “Uh, is he okay?” Karkat just returned his glance to John and put his chin on John's head. Gamzee walked up to John's other side and crouched down so he was eye level with him.

“Hey motherfucker, look at me.” John sheepishly looked up at Gamzee. “Whatever you're all down and crying for, it will get better, just you see motherfucker, everything will be getting to okay.” Gamzee grinned at John and he smiled back, calming down a little. Gamzee's smile grew bigger and he pulled a bottle out of seemingly thin air. “Want some faygo motherfucker?” John just laughed shakily and shook his head. Gamzee shrugged and walked back to Tavros, offering him the bottle. Karkat grabbed John's chin and made him look up at him. “Are you okay now?” John nodded, then paused, shaking his head. He looked Karkat in the eyes. “Do you....... Do you hate me now? Since I didn't tell you...?” Karkat sighed and stood up, bringing John with him. Karkat turned John to face him and pulled him into a hug, “No, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I love you, dumbass.”

John blushed and hid his face in Karkat's shirt, making the troll laugh. Gamzee and Tavros just stood a few feet away, forgotten onlookers. “Uhm..... John?” John peeked his head out to look at Karkat, who was blushing profusely and obviously nervous. This surprised John and he got a little worried. “What?” Karkat rubbed the back of his neck and looked John in the eyes, “Do you uhm.....maybe..... ah fuck...... do you wanna be my matesprit?” John's eyes grew big and he nodded his head slowly. Karkat smiled and Gamzee started shouting, “That's my moirail! You go motherfucker! Pail that human ass!” John blushed and hid his face in Karkat's shirt again and Karkat shouted profanities at Gamzee as Tavros just sat on the ground laughing.

From the front door, Dave smiled sadly. _I'm glad you got your man, Egbert. I'm just a little sad it wasn't me._ He turned around and went back inside the house, thinking he'd left everyone waiting long enough.


	7. Never Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and John are officially Matesprits, doing Matesprit things, and both Karkat and Dave are more watchful of John.

The next day, John woke up with a hangover. After Karkat's confession, they had gone back inside and gotten drunk, having 'sloppy makeouts' on the roof – per request of Gamzee, who brought a blushing Tavros as well. Just as John was getting used to the light, he heard a knock on his door and threw his blanket back over his head, barely shouting, “Come in!” Karkat came through the door holding a plate with eggs and bacon. “I thought after getting stone cold drunk you'd like some real food. Though I don't even know what this shit is....” John laughed and accepted the plate. Karkat sat next to him, watching him eat.

“I'm going to stay home today. I don't want to work with a hangover.” John gave him a skeptical glance. “But a library is the quietest place in the world!!” Karkat laughed, “Not when Vriska is running it, she'd be hounding me all day knowing I was hungover. She went to the party too, remember?” John did remember, and he supposed Karkat was right. Vriska could be a little mean sometimes. He just shrugged and laid back on his bed, Karkat following.

“I'm glad we went to that party.” John said. They were staring at the ceiling in thought. Suddenly Karkat broke the silence. “John?” He sounded really nervous about something, making the boy sit up, “Yeah?” Karkat had concern etched in his face as he looked at the human, “Can you promise me something?” John was curious. “Uhhhh..... Yeah, sure, what?” Karkat got a serious look on his face as he said, “ No matter what happens, you won't...... Kill yourself?” John was taken aback, pondering the question for a minute. What would make Karkat want a promise like that? Then he remembered the night before when he had seen his thighs. He nodded his head, refusing to make eye contact with Karkat. “John.” His tone was serious. “John look at me. Look at me and promise me you won't. I love you too much to lose you.” John looked at Karkat, a little sad that this conversation was happening. “Yes Karkat, I promise.”

Karkat pulled him into a hug. “Good.” The word was barely a whisper, but John heard it. He hugged Karkat back, rubbing his back, hoping to calm him down. Karkat pulled away, “Let's go watch a fucking romcom.” John smiled. Karkat could be so cheesy sometimes, it was cute. They made their way to the living room and John sat on the couch while Karkat went over their movies. “This isn't exactly a romcom but....... Straight A's?” John thought about it for a minute. “Never heard of it, what's it about?” Karkat flipped over the back to read the summary, “'When outcast Scott returns to his  hometown for a visit, he throws his family's lives in disarray'..... Sounds interesting.” Karkat shrugs and puts the DVD in, sitting next to John on the couch and wrapping an arm around him.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

By the time the movie was over, Dave had come home to find the two boys crying and holding each other. Dave just stared in bewilderment and walked slowly to his room, never taking his eyes off the pair until he couldn't see them. He could still hear them through his door and turned up his beats. After John and Karkat had settled down, they sat there watching the credits scroll by in peace, not letting go of each other.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

It was a week later, and John and Karkat were going on dates, cuddling, doing all the matesprit stuff. Dave stayed out of the house more than usual, and John was starting to worry when the door would slam in the middle of the night, a drunken Dave stumbling through the house. On the fourth day of this happening, John decided to confront Dave about his drinking. The door slammed and John got out of bed, heading for the living room, still wearing his Ghost Buster pajamas.

He slowly approached Dave, who looked like he passed out on the couch, but John knew better. “Dave,” he shook his friend's shoulder gently, and Dave opened his eyes, looking at John wearily. “H-Hey John.” He definitely sounded intoxicated. “Dave, I think you have a drinking problem.” Dave sat up, “Me? You're the one with the secxs probelm.” John shook his head, “Dave, you need to stop drinking.” Dave grabbed John's shirt, pulling him close. “I'll stop drinking when you stop fucking that damn stupid troll, you got me?”

John just shook off his grip and straightened up, walking back to his room. “Whatever, get some sleep Dave.” John went back to his room, listening to Dave stumble around behind him in an attempt to get to his room. John closed the door behind him and climbed into bed, deciding to deal with Dave in the morning.

Within minutes he was asleep, and the nightmares returned. The darkness loomed over him as Karkat drove a sickle into his side, saying how he never loved him. John cried for him to stop, and he pulled the sickle out, stabbing him next in the chest. John collapsed on the ground, bleeding out. Karkat towered over him laughing, pointing his sickle at him. John curled up and got ready for the attack, but it never came. He sat up and looked around; he was in Dave's room. Dave was sitting at his desk on his laptop. John slowly walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. Dave turned around, nothing but a blur as he swung around, a record in hand that he used to cut John's throat. Blood spewed everywhere, and John wondered how he wasn't dead yet. Dave got out of his chair and walked toward John, who stepped back until he hit the wall. Just as Dave brought the record down, John fell through the wall, hitting the floor hard as darkness swallowed him once more. Lights switched on to show he was surrounded by all of his friends. Every troll and human, glaring down at him from his spot on the ground. John stood up and turned in a circle, looking at his friends. Karkat stepped forward, then Dave, then Rose, all lashing out at him, bringing him to his knees. Just when John thought he couldn't take any more, he woke up, falling out of bed and hitting the floor.

The sun shone through his curtains and he sat up, wiping the cold sweat off of his forehead. Dave knocked on his door. “Come on Egbert, you gonna sleep forever?” John looked at the clock; it was past noon. “I'll be out in a minute!” He called to Dave. He could hear the other boy walk away and tried to settle down. It was no good, he was still shaking. He turned back to his bed, reaching under the mattress to pull out the scissors he still had.

The blade was cool against his arm and before he knew it he had calmed down, transfixed by the pearls of blood that pooled on his arm. He wasn't even thinking about how he can't cover them up. But then, that wouldn't be important soon anyways. He didn't feel the pain, but he could feel the relief, the excitement, the rush from the blade. He leaned back against his bed, not noticing the door open until he heard a plate hit the floor.

He looked up to find Dave in his doorway, his hands out in front of him and a plate of food on the floor. Dave rushed over to him and gripped his arm, eyes fixed on the ever growing presence of blood. “Why,” Dave's voice was quiet, and John had to strain to hear it. “Why did you do this? I told you that if you needed to talk I was here for you bro, so why?” His eyes looked so sad, almost defeated behind his shades. Of course John couldn't see. “I.... I'm sorry...”

Dave got up and walked out of the room, speechless. John followed him into the living room and they both sank into the couch. John sat next to Dave and put his uninjured arm around him. Dave flinched slightly at the contact but didn't pull away as John began to speak. “ I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I was afraid you would hate me..... I didn't want that to happen but I didn't know what else to do.” Dave sighed and looked at John, holding his injured arm in his hands. “Come on,” He said, getting up. “We need to get this bandaged.”

While Dave was wrapping gauze around John's arm, something popped into his head. “Hey Dave?” He didn't look up from his task, “Yeah?”

“Why aren't you at work? And where's Karkat?” Dave stopped what he was doing and looked at John. “Well I'm not going to work now, dipshit. I'm not leaving you alone. As for that asshole, I have no idea where he is, and I don't care.” Just then Karkat walked in and took in the sight before him. Dave was still holding John's arm and the blood was showing through.

“What the fuck happened?” He rushed over to John, glaring at Dave. “Was this your fault?” Dave just looked at him incredulously. “No idiot, John cut himself.” Karkat deflated, looking at John's bandaged arm, “Oh,” John jumped to his defense. “It wasn't because of you! I just had a bad dream! It wasn't anything related to you....” Karkat looked John in the eyes, “What was the dream about?” John squirmed under Karkat's gaze. “John, tell me.” John hesitated, then sighed, “I was being killed, tortured.... by my friends..... and you.”

Karkat couldn't believe it, a dream about him killing John? He could never do that!  Karkat straightened up and made John stand up. Without thinking he pressed his lips to John's, closing his eyes, and John closed his eyes as well. After a few minutes, Dave cleared his throat and John pulled away blushing. Karkat glared down at Dave and took John's hand, leading him back to his room.

After Dave checked they weren't in the hallway, he pulled out his phone to pester Rose.

 

 

Dave closed his pesterchum and sighed. She was right, they couldn't leave John alone. He would talk to Karkat later about staying with him. For now he just sat on the couch, turned on the tv, and found something to watch. He decided to give the couple a few minutes to themselves. And besides, he had a feeling if he walked in on them making out, it would hurt.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Karkat walked into the living room, his hair a bigger mess than usual. Dave turned to regard the sight of his friend and decided to go back to the tv. “Rose says we shouldn't leave John by himself, and since I have 2 jobs I figured it'd be okay to take him with you for a few hours.” Karkat considered this while he poured some coffee; he used to hate it, but it had grown on him. “Sure, I guess, I mean, he could just read a book or some shit.”

That's how John ended up hanging around in the public library, switching between some boring book and his phone to see if there was anyone to talk to. He opened pesterchum and looked down the list of names. Of course, everyone was at work right now, so there was no one to talk to. He went back to his book, a small black one with the title in white; Cut by Patricia McCarthy. He picked it because he- actually, he didn't know why. It just.... Drew him to it. It seemed small enough that he could finish it before they left. He pocketed his phone and opened the book to where he left off.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave looked at the clock again. Where the hell were they? They were supposed to be home half an hour ago. Who was going to make dinner? Just then, the door opened and an arguing Karkat and John walked in. Dave stood up and met them at the door. “Where the hell were you guys?” Karkat sighed and pointed at John. “This dipshit wanted to finish his book, so we had to stay behind.” John's face got red. “Oh come on! It was a great book!” Karkat sighed again, “Whatever.”

An hour later, John's voice rang through the house, “Dinner~!” Dave got up from the couch and headed for the kitchen. “What the fuck is this? We had that last night.” John just laughed slightly, “Well, we had some left over, so I figured, you know, why not?” Dave sighed and picked up a plate. “Fine, but tomorrow better be something new.”

After dinner, everyone went straight to bed. The day had been exhausting. John curled up under his covers and closed his eyes. Immediately upon falling asleep, the nightmares came back. His dad screamed at him and his friends hurt him, and worst of all Karkat kept saying he hated him. The world spun around him and everything was dark. He felt kicks and punches, but couldn't locate the source.

  **-WARNING: This paragraph shows graphic depictions of rape/non-con, please read with caution -**

Suddenly he was on the ground and Karkat had him pinned down. Karkat began to tear off his and John's clothes, taking him in a kiss. John was frightened and tried to pull away. It was no good, Karkat had him pinned. Karkat started biting his neck and John moaned. Karkat bit harder and John cried out, tears from fear pricking in his eyes. “Karkat! Karkat stop! Please!” Karkat began to grind his hips against John's and he cried, the tears spilling over his cheeks. Karkat undid his pants and moved down to take his member in his mouth. John's body was wracked with sobs as he tried to pry himself away, but Karkat still had a hold on him. Karkat began to wrap his tongue around John's member and John shivered. He hated how this was giving him an erection. He finally woke up to the feeling of tears streaking down his face. Karkat burst through the door and tried to hug John, but he pushed him away. “Stay away from me!” He said between sobs, “Why didn't you stop?! I asked you to stop, so why didn't you? Stay away! Don't touch me!!” John recoiled when Karkat reached out a hand. Karkat was about to pull it away when he quickly pulled John into a hug, stroking his hair. The smaller male tried to fight but all he accomplished was a few measly punches to Karkat's chest. John shook in Karkat's arms, silently crying as Karkat sat on his bed, petting his hair. “You don't have to tell me what happened. But whatever it was, I promise I will never hurt you, it was just a dream. You're okay. I love you.” He kissed the top of John's head and pulled him closer.

When the boy finally started to calm down, Karkat put him at arm's length and looked him in the eye. “John?” The boy looked up. “Would you like to sleep in my bed tonight?” After John and Karkat had become Matesprits, Karkat got himself a mattress so they could sleep together in his room. John thought about it for a minute, then slightly nodded. Karkat stood up and took John's hand, leading him to his room. They settled under the covers and Karkat wrapped an arm around John's waist, making him jump. Karkat pulled his hand away. “Sorry, I should have asked.... Is it okay..?” John nodded and relaxed into Karkat, closing his eyes.


	8. Cries In the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit happens and John ends up in the hospital, but not for the reason you think. Also, John and Dave get in an argument over his self-harm.

Life has a way of piling up the drama. You'll be coasting along and all of a sudden everything goes wrong.

John woke up in Karkat's bed alone. He sighed, figuring Karkat went to work. He looked at the clock; he should really stop sleeping this late. John headed for the door and heard shouting. He stood there, not sure if he should go out, and just listened to the argument.

“It's your fucking fault he's depressed you shit!”

A scoff. 

“My fault? How is it my fault?”

“Because you treat him like a kid so he never grows up, but when something happens it's 'oh sorry I'm at work'!”

“And what makes you think you're so much better?”

“Because I can _actually_ make him happy!!”

There was silence, and John couldn't catch the next thing. Suddenly he heard the door close and ran out to see what was going on. He saw Karkat standing there, staring at the door. John reached out a hand but pulled it back quickly, walking up to Karkat. “Karkat?” Karkat jumped, apparently he didn't know John was there, “What did Dave say?” Karkat looked at the ground. “You don't need to know.” He said in a low voice. John deflated and sat on the couch, letting out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

Karkat sat next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “How're you feeling?” John remembered last night and swallowed the fear. “I'm.... Good.... So what was that about exactly?” John pointed at the door. Karkat stiffened a little, but John didn't notice. “Nothing important.” John looked at him skeptically, “It sure sounded important.” Karkat crossed and recrossed his arms. “Well it wasn't, okay?” John could tell Karkat was getting mad and decided not to push it further.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes before John got up and brushed off his pants. “I'm going to make lunch, okay?” Karkat just nodded and walked back to his room. John walked into the kitchen and looked around. They needed to go to the store. John sighed and walked over to Karkat's room, knocking on the door. “Karkat?” He heard grumbling inside and decided to leave the door closed. “We don't really have anything to cook, so I'm going to stop by McDonald's, what do you want?” John heard hard footsteps on the ground and suddenly the door opened. Before John could say anything Karkat began yelling. “I DON'T FUCKING CARE DIPSHIT! GOD CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING? YOU'RE SO USELESS! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!” John felt tears stinging his eyes and turned away. “Okay Karkat, sorry I asked.”

John walked away and Karkat slammed his door shut behind him. John sighed and walked out the door, grabbing the car keys off of the side table. He shut the door quietly behind him, trying not to anger Karkat anymore than he apparently had.

John knew the way to the McDonald's, and he wasn't paying attention as he drove. All of his thoughts were on his friends and his boyfriend. _I knew it, he thinks I'm useless, he hates me._ John didn't see that he had swerved into oncoming traffic.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Karkat got the call about 15 minutes later that a mister John Egbert had been admitted to the ER. Karkat freaked out, unable to breathe as he called Dave and told him what happened. Dave managed to leave work and pick up Karkat on his way to the hospital. They arrived 20 minutes later and were told to wait in the waiting room. It seemed like forever until they were allowed to see John. He was asleep in a hospital bed, his scrapes a strikingly red contrast to the paper white of the sheets. Karkat swallowed at how much John resembled the sheets, looking as pale as a ghost. He had a broken arm and leg, Karkat guessed there were more bandages under the blanket and hospital clothes.

Karkat sat in one of the chairs beside the bed and Dave followed suit, sitting next to him. Karkat held John's hand softly and closed his eyes, praying he was okay. He felt like such an ass, the last time they had talked, Karkat called him useless. He didn't mean it, he was still mad from his fight with Dave, but did John know that? Karkat laughed inwardly, he must know, John wasn't one to let Karkat's insults get to him.... was he? Karkat had to calm himself as his heart sped up over anxiety. Dave put a hand on his shoulder and took off his shades.

“Dude, Karkat, calm down. He's going to be fine.” Karkat tried to calm down, but seeing Dave's face made him worry more. He looked so sad.... and tired. Karkat sighed and brought his knees to his chest. Dave took his hand back and relaxed into his chair, and he was asleep within minutes. Karkat guessed he was right about the tired thing. He wondered if Dave had slept much at all recently. Karkat turned his attention back to John, examining his face. What injuries weren't bandaged didn't seem so bad, but a shiver went down Karkat's back at the thought of what was under the bandages on his forehead and cheek.

They sat there until a nurse came by and told them visiting hours were over. Karkat asked if he could stay, and when the nurse saw she wasn't going to get him out, she agreed. Later, someone brought Karkat a blanket and pillow, and before he knew it he was asleep.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Karkat woke up with a start when he felt someone squeeze his hand. He looked at John hopefully and watched as his eyes slowly opened. John turned his head slowly to meet Karkat's gaze and he tried to smile. Karkat was so excited he felt like he could run on forever. “I'm glad you're okay.” Karkat smiled down at the boy. He didn't smile back. “If you call this okay...” Karkat tried to stay positive. “It won't be like this forever. The doctors say they want you to stay here for at least 2 more days and then you can come home! We can all watch cheesy action movies and romcoms, if you want. I suppose I'll have to make dinner, since Strider can't cook for shit....” Karkat shook his head, “Anyways, don't be so down about it, before you know it you'll be back to normal!” John laughed weakly and winced. “You're being nice to me, I must be dying.” Karkat felt hurt. Is that what John thought of him? That he was just mean all the time?

Karkat squeezed his hand just as Dave walked in with 2 coffees. “Oh hey bro, you're awake.” He strode over to Karkat and handed him a cup, receiving a quiet 'thank you'. John smiled up at his friend. “Hey Dave.” Dave sat down in his chair and nodded at John. “Glad you're alive man. Gosh do you know how much you make us worry?” John looked at his lap and frowned. “But,” Karkat quickly added, “It doesn't matter, you're very important to us, we want you to be safe and okay.” He elbowed Dave and he coughed up his coffee, agreeing in between coughs. John just sighed and nodded, not looking them in the eyes.

The nurses never brought up the scars on John's legs or arms, but he did catch them giving him sad glances sometimes. It bothered him, but he guessed he had no room to talk, since he was the one inflicting them. He rubbed his hands gently along his thighs, his senses almost too sensitive against the pink scars. John heard a knock on the door and jolted, wincing at the pain. He looked up at the door as Dave walked in with his poker face, John staring at his reflection in Dave's aviators.

“Okay so I talked to the docs, and after a week of this hell hole, we can finally take you home.” John felt his chest lift at the news. “Really? I can go home now?” Karkat walked in with a wheelchair. “Yes, but not without one of these.” John instantly deflated. “Oh.” Dave noticed and took a step forward, putting a hand on John's shoulder. “Don't be like that, this is good, you can finally come home.” John looked up at his friend and faked a smile. “Yeah, you're right. Let's go home.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Needless to say, getting around their tiny house in a wheelchair was hard. Most days John would get frustrated trying to navigate the hallway and just sit there until Karkat or Dave came home to help. His days usually consisted of sitting in his room watching (totally awesome) Nic Cage movies and going on his laptop. When he was finally able to go from a wheelchair to crutches, he was ecstatic. Karkat and Dave decided to take John out since he had been cooped up in the house for so long.

They drove up to the little corner restaurant just as the sky began to change colours. The woman at the front podium was nice enough, and within 20 minutes they were seated and waiting for their drinks. John was zoning out, staring at the wood pattern of the table; seeing it but... _not_ seeing it.

Dave waved a hand in John's face and he jolted. He looked across the table at his best friend and Karkat rested his hand on top of John's from his left. “Yo Egderp, what's up? You're spacing out hard.” John blushes and looks out the window past Karkat's worried look. “I'm fine, just thinking...” Dave doesn't leave it there. “Oh. What about?” When he doesn't get a response, he turns to Karkat. “So how's work been?” he asks casually. And just like that, John's left to his thoughts once again.

By the time their meals get there, John is feeling pretty shitty. He gets up from his seat and the other two boys are looking at him curiously. “Just going to the bathroom, be right back.” That seems to satisfy them and John limps off to the bathroom.

Once he's in the cool room, he practically slams the door and runs to the paper towel dispenser. Thankfully this place has old fashion ones and the edges are pretty sharp. John places his wrist under the jagged edge and begins to rub his wrist, the skin being pulled by the harsh metal. Beads of blood start to pool on his pail skin and he relaxes, pulling his arm back to his chest. He sits on the cool tile, resting against the wall behind him.

After he is calmer and is sure the bleeding has stopped, he walks out of the bathroom, thankful the evenings here are cold as he pulls his sweater over his wrist.(with some difficulty, he _is_ on crutches) When he finally got back to the table, Dave gave him a weird look, but John brushed it off. After they were all full and ready to go, Karkat paid the bill and they were off. John walked behind Dave and Karkat with the aid of his crutches, trying not to trip up his house mates. The ride home was fairly quiet, and when they got home John was the first one at the door, pulling out his keys and fitting them in the lock. Just as Dave walked up behind him, his sleeve inched up to expose his bright red-on-white wrist, the cut practically glowing against his pail skin. John stepped through the doorway and was spun around and pinned to the wall by Dave, his crutches crashing to the ground. Karkat came running in, a surprised look on his face as he shut the door behind him.

“Strider! What the _fuck_ are you doing to _my_ matesprit?” That last bit was said in a possessive tone that had Dave flinching, or would have, if he wasn't cool and aloof. He grabbed John's arm, forcing the sweater sleeve down to his elbow and showing Karkat the cut. “This! This is what I'm doing you dumb ass! I _told_ you! Dating you won't make him stop!” He turned his gaze back to John, his poker face cracking slightly as he asked John in a broken voice, “Why?” John looked at the ground. He didn't know how to answer Dave, didn't think he'd understand. He tried to wrestle out of Dave's grip, but it was futile. The other boy had always had more muscle than him; strifing on a roof practically your whole life will do that.

John struggled harder, almost making Dave lose his grip. When he tightened it, John let out a yelp and closed his eyes, seriously considering if Dave could snap a bone. Karkat stepped in then, baring his fangs, ready to fight for his matesprit. “Dave! Get you're fucking hands off John! You're hurting him!” Dave spun around and glared at Karkat. “What like you don't do that enough? Some _matesprit_ you are! John told me what you said to him before the accident! You asshole!”

“I didn't mean that! I was just mad at you! God, why do you have to make me look like the bad guy? I'm only trying to help him! At least I'm around when he needs me, and not making excuses like _YOU!!”_ The last word came out so loud John cringed, putting his hands to his ears.

“I only work so much because we need the fucking money! I don't see you offering to work late nights, so shut the fuck up!”

“If it bothers you that much, let John get a job! Jesus Dave! He's not a kid!”

“Uhm.... guys-”

“No! He doesn't need to work, he's fine! It's _you_ being a constant asshole that is ruining his mind! He _loves_ you! And you treat him like shit!”

“Dave-”

“Well at least he can _talk_ to me! _See_ me whenever he wants! You're hardly ever home! And you don't like him coming to work! He's better off with me! You ironic, ignorant asshole!”

“Well-”

“GUYS!!!”

Dave and Karkat look at John shocked, no one, not even John, had expected him to blow his gasket.

“Jesus! You guys can be _so stupid!_ Why do you talk about me like I'm not here? I can take care of myself!” He turns to Dave, “ And yes, I don't have a job, yes, I _want_ one! Do you think I _like_ sitting on my ass all day?” He turned his rage on Karkat, “And Karkat!” the troll flinched. “ It is _not_ your fault! Granted, I was thinking about what you said when I had the accident, but you always yell at me! My mind is fucked up, but that doesn't mean I can't handle myself!” He addressed both of them, “And I _do not_ want you guys getting in these fucking stupid fights about who I deserve to be with! That is _my_ fucking decision!! If you guys are going to treat me like this and freak out every time I cut, why the hell am I here? I should just leave! Just.... Kill myself!!”

The sound of Dave's palm meeting John's cheek cracked through the house, and John fell to the ground. Karkat was too stunned to move, and Dave was glaring daggers at his best friend. John looked up at Dave with hurt eyes, a hand touching his now red cheek. “Don't you _ever, EVER._ Say that to me John....” He choked on his own words and stomped off to his room, slamming the door behind him. Karkat finally came out of the shock and kneeled down by his matesprit, a worried look in his eyes. He ran his hand over the fresh cut on John's arm, shivering at the feel of the damaged skin. “John.....”

Suddenly John clung to him, crying into his shoulder. Karkat rubbed his back, shooshing him. He knew this was more or less the job of his moirail, but he was currently the reason for this, and John needed him right now. So with a slightly resigned sigh, he rested his chin on John's head as he cried harder, his whole body wracking with sobs.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave could hear John's cries leak through the walls. He sat on his bed, holding his knees to his chest and staring at nothing through the darkness of his room. He felt the hot prick of tears sting his eyes and before he knew it he was crying too. Silent sobs and apologies escaped his lips as he thought about his mistakes.


	9. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Dave's fight continues the next day, and John feels especially shitty.

John woke up in the middle of the living room with a headache. He tried to get up to find Karkat had his arms wrapped around him. John untangled himself and went to the kitchen to make some breakfast. Dave walked through the kitchen about 20 minutes later to the smell of eggs and pancakes. He smirked and walked up behind John, placing his hands on the other boy's shoulders and making him jump. John turned around with a smile on his face, looking at Dave's unusually red eyes. Realizing he left his shades in his room, Dave went back to his room to retrieve them.

When he came back, John just took them off and set them on the counter. “You look better without them, I can actually tell you can feel something.” He chuckled, and Dave crossed his arms. John heard Karkat grumble in the other room and the groan of the leather couch as he got up. “Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes Karkat!” He shouted over his shoulder. Dave hissed and he looked at him curiously. “Don't fucking yell, I have a headache.” John sighed. “Were you drinking again?” Dave grumbled and looked away. “I told you to stop that! Don't you know what that shit does to you!”

“You're one to talk! At least I know when to stop so I don't kill myself!!” John took a step back, a hurt look on his face. Karkat walked in scowling. “You guys-”

“How do you know? I mean really know? I don't want you getting drunk and ending up in some gutter because you got in a bar fight! I don't want to hear from some cop that my best friend was too stupid to leave the bar early!” John's eyes were watering and Karkat moved to stand next to John.

“Well I don't want to come home and see your body crumpled up on the floor covered in blood!” Tears leaked behind his shades, and John was in shock. Karkat took a step towards Dave. “Uhm, Dave?” He seemed reluctant to touch him but eventually a hand settled on Dave's shoulder. “A-are you okay?” Dave was shrinking in on himself as he shook with sobs, his shoulders hunched, his chin down, hugging himself. John gently pushed Karkat away and hugged Dave. “ssssshhhhh. It's okay Dave. It'll be okay.” Dave looked up, “H-how do you know? I don't want to be the one to find my best bro lying in a pool of his own- his own-” Dave shook harder and John started rubbing his back. “P-promise me,” Dave began when he got his breath back. “Promise me you'll stop.” John looked sadly at Karkat watching the two boys. “I'm sorry Dave, I can't promise that.... I just can't.”

Dave escaped John's grasp and ran to his room, locking the door. “Dave!” Just before John could run after him, Karkat grabbed his shoulders. “John,” He looked John dead in the eyes, “I think we need to leave him alone for a while, he's pretty tired.” John just nodded and went back to serving up breakfast. He left a plate and a note for Dave on the counter with reheating instructions and Karkat and John went out the door.

It was a pretty good day. A mild Saturday with little to no traffic and they were able to get in and out of the store with little trouble. The house was eerily quiet when John opened the door, and as soon as he set down the groceries he ran to Dave's door, making sure to knock before opening the door. Dave was curled up on his bed, shades barely hanging on his face and his chest rising and falling slowly with comatose breaths. John smiled fondly and took Dave's shades, setting them on his nightstand. He sat on the edge of the bed, smoothing out Dave's hair and brushing his bangs out of his face. Karkat stood in the doorway, a little jealous but understanding as he watched his matesprit worry over his friend.

Eventually, John got up and joined Karkat in watching a cheesy romcom on the couch. All through the movie Karkat couldn't stop thinking if he was really a good matesprit for John. John had no idea.

 

John woke up on the couch, Karkat leaning on him and the TV displaying a movie menu with terrible music. He laid Karkat down on the couch and went to the kitchen. Now that he thought about it, he spent a lot of time in this kitchen. He shrugged it off as something he got from his dad.

_Dad._

John shook his head, messing up his hair even more. He started cooking, not even aware of what he was making until he had finished frosting a big cake. Seeing the familiar sight brought a sad smile to his face. He silently walked back to his room, shutting his door behind him. He sat heavily on his bed, grabbing the scissors from under his pillow and inspecting them carefully. It had seemed like ages ago when he had first drug that blade across his thighs. It was the beginning of August, and things were starting to pick up, college kids checking out books and getting coffee to stay up late.

Thankfully though, (or maybe not, in John's case) it was Saturday, which meant less hours for Dave at Alternia's Cove but later nights at the club. John wondered if Karkat was going to work today. The library was never that busy so he isn't always working. He prefers it that way though, he doesn't want to work his ass off like Dave.

John thought about what it would be like to have a job. People were always saying work sucked but as long as you're doing what you love and you're out of the house, it sounds awesome. John wondered what kind of job would be good for him. He's not good around people on account of his anxiety, so that narrowed it down. He couldn't stand a desk job or quietness, so he was really limited. Then it hit him, he could-! Nope, lost it. Damn, this was hard. He'd have to talk to Karkat later.

John snapped out of his thoughts and regarded the scissors in his hands. Memories of his nightmares flooded his brain and that was all the incentive he needed. He dragged the blade across his arm, watching the blood rise. A shiver went down his spine and he hoped Karkat was still asleep.

He cut again and again, thinking about how his friends and family abused him, how Karkat....

There was a knock at the door. John jumped, putting the scissors under his pillow and hiding his arm. “Come in.” His voice didn't sound natural, hopefully Karkat wouldn't notice. Karkat opened the door, halting at the doorway to look at John. “You okay? You look a little pale.” John shifted slightly on his bed, keeping his arm behind his back. “Yeah, I'm fine.” Karkat sighed, walking into John's room and sitting next to him. John jumped, trying to hide his arm from the troll. “Okay, what's up.” John couldn't take it, he felt guilty. He slowly pulled his arm out from behind his back, showing Karkat the cuts. Instantly he regretted it; Karkat looked so hurt. “Oh.” Was all he could say before he got up. “Hold on, I'll be right back.”

Karkat came back with the first aid kit, sighing as he sat down on the bed. “I called Dave, his shift is almost over and then he's coming right home.” He regarded John, who conveniently found a vast interest in the way Karkat was wrapping his arm. “John,” John looked up at him slowly, almost afraid of what he was going to say next. “ I'm not mad. I'm not. I get it, you're sad. More than that. I just wish when you felt like this you would come talk to me, or Dave. You're not alone, John. We want to help you. You understand that, right?” John nodded his head, a knot growing in his chest. He was afraid to speak, afraid of what would happen if he opened his mouth.

“Sorry.” The word was barely audible, somewhere between a low croak and a whisper. Karkat hugged John, stroking his hair. “Shhhhhh, it's okay.” John's eyes began to water, and he tried to blink them away. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.”

“Sssshhhhhhh, John, it's okay, you don't need to apologize. It's okay, everything's going to be okay.”

“Sorry.”

“I know.”

They sat like that for what seemed like hours, afraid to break the embrace, like it was some holy connection and if they severed it one of them would break. They heard the door open and close, Dave calling for them once he had entered the house. “Karkat? John? You guys dead?” The two boys got up, meeting Dave in the hallway. “Let me see.” Dave didn't even waste time saying hi before he had grabbed John's arm. “How bad was it?” Karkat sighed, looking at the bandages on John's arm. “Not good, but I suppose nothing is in this aspect. He won't bleed out, if that's what you're asking.”

Dave let out a breath, dropping John's arm. “Thank God.” He muttered. He pushed past them, making his way to his room. John turned to regard his friend. “Dave-” Without even looking at him, Dave walked into his room, shutting the door. “Sorry.”

Karkat put a hand on John's shoulder, leading him back to his room. “I'll cook dinner tonight, you're not supposed to cook with open wounds.” John smiled weakly at him, “Thanks, Karkat.” Karkat smiled down at his matesprit sitting on his bed. “Of course.”


	10. Silent Housemates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and John are still at odds over John's self-harm, and it all comes to a head when Dave says something to John that leaves him helpless in his own head.

Things were still tense. Dave tried to avoid John and Karkat as best he could, and John was lucky if he could even get Dave to look at him. John became more and more depressed; not being able to talk to his best friend really got to him. Karkat tried to keep his spirits up, but most days weren't too good.

John sat down on his bed, sighing as he listened to the voice on the other end of the line.

“So how is the situation with you and Dave going?”

“It's the same. It's been almost 3 weeks! Why won't he talk to me? And to make things worse, now Karkat is mad at me for trying to get Dave to talk to me! I just don't get it, doesn't he understand that he's my friend?”

There's a pause, and then Rose's voice comes over the phone suddenly. “John, can I tell you something?”

“Uhm... Sure, Rose, what?” You hear the phone get set down, followed by people talking. You can't hear what they're saying, but you figure it might be important, so you wait. You hear shuffling around, and Rose returns to the phone.

“Sorry, Kanaya was looking for something. Anyways, as I was saying, if both of you want this relationship to work, then you both need to understand each other's space. He's a troll, he doesn't understand the bond between you and Dave, who are obviously more than moirails, you're brothers. Also, you need to understand that Karkat's instinct is to do anything to keep his matesprit. Trolls can be possessive and he might see Dave as a threat now that your time is so consumed by him.”

John tries to digest what Rose is saying. He supposes he should talk to Karkat. “Thanks, Rose.”

“Any time, John.” And with that, Rose hangs up. John shuts his cell phone, setting it next to him on the bed. He pulls out the scissors, studying the blades when he hears a knock on the door, and he doesn't even need to look up to know it's Karkat. “Come in.” Karkat slowly opens the door and John quickly shoves the scissors under his pillow. Karkat stands at the door for a moment before walking over to John and sitting next to him on the bed. He sits with his elbows on his knees, staring at his lap. John waits a minute, watching Karkat to see if he will say something.

“Karkat? What is it?”

Karkat blushes slightly and looks at John seriously. “I uhm.... You want to go out to the movies? I figure since Dave is trying to avoid company it would do him good for us to leave the fucking house. Plus, we should spend some time together, I mean jesus, you're my matesprit but we haven't been on a date in weeks.”

John smiles, “That sounds great Karkat. Let's go.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

They finally get to the movies and after several minutes of Karkat complaining “there aren't any fucking movies, these are trash” they decide on a romance. After they get their popcorn and sodas, they make their way to the theatre, choosing seats in the very back. Once the movie starts, Karkat puts his arm around John and John put his head on Karkat's shoulder.

They stayed like that the whole movie, moving once in a while to share a kiss. It eventually turned into a full-blown make out, and they were only interrupted when the credits began rolling and the audience clapped, making the boys jump and blush at each other.

They exit the movie theatre and John suggests going to lunch. They spend nearly two hours talking and kissing in a booth, annoying anyone nearby. When they get home, Dave's car is gone, but they don't care. They go to Karkat's room, laying down on his bed and just enjoying each other's company. Karkat snakes his arm around John's waist and John turns around to face him, taking his lips in a kiss.

Karkat moves his other hand to the back of John's neck, pulling him closer. John works fast, already taking off Karkat's shirt. “You have no idea how much I've wanted to do this all day.” John pants, eyes filled with lust. John gets Karkat's shirt off and starts working at his jeans. Karkat snaps out of it and pulls John's shirt off him, throwing it across the room.

Karkat rolls over so he is on top of John, biting and sucking at his collar bone. John moans and Karkat palms him through his boxers, making him arch into Karkat. Karkat purrs and sucks on a red mark he left on John's shoulder. He peels off his boxers, taking John's length into his hand and pumping fast. John squirms under him and Karkat takes him in another kiss, shoving his tongue into John's mouth. John feels something hot slide against his entrance and realizes it's Karkat's bulge. It ghosts over his hole teasingly, making John whine.

Karkat smirks and pumps John faster. He takes his other hand and puts his fingers in John's mouth. “Suck fuckass.” John sucks on the digits and before he knows it one is already inside of him. He gasps and Karkat enters another one, scissoring them inside of him. When he slides in the third, John keens, arching his back so far for a fleeting moment he thinks it might break. Suddenly the fingers are gone, and John's entrance is left feeling hollow. Karkat's bulge runs over John's entrance and he whimpers. “Use your words John. Beg me for it.”

“P-please, Karkat... fuck me!” Just as his bulge begins to enter John, flashes of his recent nightmares come back to him and he panics. He can feel Karkat inside him and tries to get out from under Karkat, flailing and swinging his arms around.

“G-get away! Stop it! Please stop! Get away from me!” John's eyes are shut tight and he's punching Karkat. Karkat gets off of him, shocked. John curls up in a ball, shaking. Karkat tries to comfort him but he is pushed away. Karkat just watches as his matesprit tightens in on himself, shaking uncontrollably with sobs, screaming at him to leave, get away from him, stop. Karkat feels a tightness in his chest watching John so scared.

He decides to just go for it and hugs John. At first he fights back, trying to pry out of Karkat's grip, but eventually he gives up and lets Karkat comfort him. Karkat pets his hair, shooshing him. It seemed as though he'd been doing this a lot lately, but it didn't matter. He just wanted John to be happy. “John...” John's eyes got wide and he started thrashing. “John!” Tears fell from his face as he kicked and screamed at Karkat. Karkat lost his grip and John jumped up, stumbling on his first step and falling to the ground in front of his shirt. Still sobbing, he grabbed his shirt and boxers and ran out of Karkat's room.

Karkat sat staring at his door, worried about John but too afraid to go after him. He finally decided he needed to talk to his matesprit and got up to go to his room.

When Karkat knocked on John's door, he heard a yelp. It made him cringe to think that he could scare his matesprit this much just from- wait, why was he scared of Karkat? When he received no answer from his knock, he tried the door. Locked. He stepped back and braced himself, running his shoulder into the door with a loud bang. John jumped, letting out a panicked shriek. Karkat finally got the door open and walked slowly inside. John was curled up on his bed, hiding his face in his hands and shaking like a leaf.

“John?” At the mention of his name, the boy flinches. Karkat takes another step forward and tries again. “John? What is it?” John peeked out from behind his hands, looking at Karkat. “Just-” John's voice was weak, and he cleared his throat. “Just.... memories....” Karkat looked at the ground. “Oh,” He walked over to the bed slowly, sitting down next to John. “You remember when I told you about that nightmare where you.....raped me..?” Karkat nodded, and John laid his head in Karkat's lap, letting him pet his messy black hair. “Yeah...”

“I was.... remembering that...” Karkat's heart sank. “John, I would never do anything to hurt you, and if you didn't want this, then I would understand.” John shook his head, getting up and turning around to kiss Karkat. Karkat closed his eyes, his hands still in the other boy's hair. Karkat fell back on the bed, John on top of him. John ran one of his hands down Karkat's chest, making him purr.

They heard the door slam shut followed by frustrated mumbling. John and Karkat scrambled to get the rest of their clothes on, since they were only in their boxers. Karkat walked out to the living room, telling John to stay in bed for a few minutes so he could talk to Dave.

John could hear them talking, but didn't know what they were saying. From the sound of it though, Karkat was pretty annoyed. John opened his door, hoping Karkat wouldn't care if he was listening in.

“Jesus Dave, how do you expect me to act when you keep coming home drunk?”

“Like it's none of your fuching busness.” Dave slurs, and Karkat sighs.

“You can't be around John if you're going to be drunk all of the time. The last thing he needs right now is to deal with your drunk ass problems.”

“I can deal with myshelf thank you.”

“Sure you can. God dammit Dave, just go to bed. I'll bring you some asprins in a few hours okay?”

“Whatever.”

He heard footsteps approaching and shut his door. Seconds later, Dave doesn't even bother to knock as he enters John's room. As Dave approaches him, John could smell the alcohol on his breath and wonders with a sickening gag just how drunk he is. “Hey Egderp. Can I sit?” John nods and Dave stumbles over to the bed, plopping down next to him and putting an arm around him.

“You little fucker.” Wait, what?

“W-what...?”

“You heard me, you little fucker.” Dave giggles and John can't believe what he's hearing.

“Dave....”

“Shut up. You know, this is all your fault,” He gestures around the room, “We're stuck here because of you. The trolls were only fucked over because of you. You just had to play that game. I only played it for you, you know. And what did it get me? I lost my fucking brother. Rose lost her mom. It's all your fault, you're just a huge fuck up, you get it yet? Or are you more stupid than I thought?”

John just sits there in stunned silence. He feels like crying, but no tears come. It feels as though his very soul is screaming and crying in torment.

Dave gets up, smirking down at John as he leaves, disappearing behind his door with a laugh. Karkat shows up not 2 minutes later. “Hey John, what's up? I heard you talking to someone. Was it Da-”

He can't look at Karkat. John just stares straight ahead, Dave's words ringing in his head.

“John? John what's wrong?”

Nothing.

“John!”

John sits on his bed, unresponsive, unblinking. Karkat looks close to tears as he sits on the bed next to his matesprit and hugs him close. John doesn't even notice.


	11. All Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After weeks of silence, drunk Dave, and depressed John, Karkat decides it's time to take matters into his own hands.

John barely leaves his room anymore, and Dave is constantly in and out of the house, smelling of alcohol and sweat. Karkat's resorted to bringing John his meals when he's home, because that's the only way the troll can be sure the boy eats. When this is happening, Karkat will sit by an unresponsive John and tell him about his day; about the idiots at work or something Vriska said, and sometimes John will respond with a huff. Karkat's worried about John constantly, and tries to leave him alone as little as possible, but he only gets more angry as the days roll on because he knows he can't help his matesprit. That's Dave's job, but Dave was the reason for this! He didn't know what Dave said, and john wouldn't tell him. Fuck, the one time he tried to confront Dave on the issue, he had walked in on Strider Sexy Times (TM) and, in a strange roll-reversal, had shut the door with a blank face while an angry and intoxicated Dave shouted swears at him through he wood. He figured John didn't need to know about that. 

Some moirail Dave is, he isn't doing his job, he is only making things worse.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave doesn't know what he's doing anymore. Wake up, maybe take a shower, head out to whatever bar hasn't kicked him out yet, get drunk, have sex with a stranger. Wash, rinse, repeat. He misses John, and he can tell he fucked up when, in a rare moment of sobriety, he can't recall seeing John around the house, or hearing his laughter. He doesn't know how to fix what he did, so he forgets it all by drinking, just like his ecto mother and sister. 

Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

 -\\_( ' v ' )_/-

The first thing that registers in john's mind when he reaches consciousness, is the wall to his back and the mattress under his ass, and he blearily comes to the conclusion that he fell asleep sitting up. The second thing he registers is numbness, then the dread sets in. He misses Dave, but Dave hates him. Of course Dave hates him, he thinks, he ruined their lives. With his eyes closed, he reaches a hand under his pillow and grabs his scissors, opening them up and staring at the blades blankly. “Hey John, it's time for-” The tray hits the floor, the food spilling across the carpet, and one look at John's face has Karkat taking the scissors and hugging him close. "I know this is some quadrant blending shit, and i can understand if you don't want to talk to me right now, but..... Do you want to talk about it?" 

John couldn't get any words out, the same problem he'd been having for weeks. He wanted to say something, anything, everything, but the words got caught in his throat and it was like digging a hole in the sand trying to get them out. After a long moment of silence and frustration on John's part, a quiet "I'm sorry" permeated the tension, and Karkat hugged John tighter. "What's up." It was spoken so softly, it was hardly a question, and John shrugs helplessly. "I just- I- I miss Dave-" John sighs heavily when he can't express what he means, and Karkat gets up slowly, making sure John knows he isn't mad at him. "Just watch a movie or something, go back to bed. I need to take care of some shit." John nods after a moment, settling under his covers. "Okay.... Will you wake me up when you're done?" Karkat smiles down at his matesprit.

"Sure." 

After John was comfortably in bed, Karkat shut the door, deciding on what to say to Dave. Luckily, Dave was actually home; which was rarely the case. Karkat knocked on Dave's door and heard mumbling accompanied by the volume of the music going down. Dave opened the door and Karkat found himself completely thrown off. Dave's hair was messy, he wasn't wearing his shades, and his clothes were crumpled and dirty; probably at least a week old. His eyes were a dull red, drooping with tiredness and seething with anger. “What is it Karkat?” Dave just sounds tired. And drunk. Karkat sighs, “We need to talk. Can I come in?”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John woke up to a knock on his door and bolted up out of bed. “Come in, Karkat.” When the door opens to reveal Dave, John's chest tightens. “Oh, hey Dave.” Dave doesn't say anything, just sits down on John's bed next to him. John can smell alcohol on his breath, but just barely, so he hadn't been drinking that much, he thinks. Dave looked John in the eyes before taking his shades off and placing them between the two of them. Dave's eyes always amazed John. They glowed like red-hot embers, always full of emotion, but now they were dull and listless. “....I'm sorry.” Dave mumbles.

“I- what?”

“I said I'm sorry, alright?” It comes out harsher than Dave meant it to, and he doesn't look at John; a stealthy blush settles over both of their faces. John found himself unable to take his eyes off of Dave's; to him, they were unnerving and yet the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. John took off his glasses and tried to look at Dave. He was blurred, and John didn't know if it was because his eyesight was just that poor or because tears were welling in his eyes. Why did he take them off? John struggled to find his voice. “D-Dave...” Dave looked up from studying his converse, a look of surprise painting his face as John's tears spilled over and Dave lunged to pull him into a hug. John was taken by surprise, eyes wide and sobs starting to shake his body. “I-I'm sorry Dave.... I h-hate crying so much.” John could feel Dave sigh against him and a hand went through his hair comfortingly. Dave held him closer, wrapping his arms around him in a comforting gesture.

“Nah man, don't say that. It's good to cry. It means you're alive.” John looks up at Dave, who smiles in return. John hiccups and holds Dave tighter, digging his face into Dave's neck. “Still bros?” The words come out muffled, but Dave hears them. He laughs silently to himself before bringing John away from him to look him in the eyes. “Yeah man, still bros.”

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“We need to talk. Can I come in?”

Karkat was so nervous. If you knew the young Strider even a fraction, you would probably know he's a raging drunk. All that talk of flying off the handle was an understatement if he hit the bottle. Karkat swallowed a lump in his throat as Dave moved to the side to allow Karkat in his room, and as Karkat took a few tentative steps into the room, his anxiety came back with reinforcements. There were books, records, and various weapons thrown all over the room; his desk had been shoved away from the wall and all it's contents in the middle of the floor. Dave had obviously been rampaging only recently; it was probably the reason his music was so loud. Karkat spun around, trying not to leave his back to Dave for too long. He hated himself for being afraid of a human, but something in his head told him this was a completely rational time to fear the alien in the shades in front of him. 

“The fuck do you want, Vantas.” Dave barks. Karkat flinches and takes a step back. “I- uhm- I-..... It's.... About John.” One of Dave's eyebrows goes up, barely visible over his shades, which he had re-positioned over his face. “What about John?” Dave asked warily. John's name held weight on the Strider's tongue, and Karkat could tell he was still mad as all grubfucking hell; better approach this lightly. “Well, I was uhm..... I was wondering why the two of you aren't talking to each other anymore.” Karkat takes a step back as Dave takes his shades off to stare at him. “You want to know why we ain't talkin'?” His accent had pushed through as he began to walk towards Karkat, backing him up against the bed, forcing him to sit. “That li'l shit got us here. I lost my Bro an' Rose lost her Mom. We're stuck here 'cause of him. I fuckin' hate him.” There's an uncharacteristic smile on Dave's face, as if he's telling a really funny joke and is trying hard not to laugh, but his eyes only showed sadness, hurt, and regret. Karkat stares at Dave in shock, unable to comprehend what he just heard.

“But,” Karkat starts, and immediately Dave's smile is replaced by an angry frown, “I know you don't feel that way Dave. You know none of this shit was John's fault. He had no more fucking say over it than you did!” Dave glares down at Karkat, his hands balled into fists. “The fuck do you know Vantas! He was the one who got us all to play the game! It's all his fucking fault!” Karkat bit his lip, hoping John didn't wake up, and hoping he wouldn't get punched across the face as Dave ranted. “Dave, please, ssshhhh.” Dave seemed offended by that, so Karkat continued before he got hit. “John is sleeping. Please keep it the fuck down. Now listen to me nook-for-brains, that was no one's fault but Jack's, and he's dead now. I know it hurts, but you need to fucking move on. You're hurting John and he doesn't deserve it. What kind of moirail are you if all you do is hurt John?”

Dave blinks as he takes in what Karkat said, his shoulders visibly sagging, and he sits on the bed where Karkat had just been moments ago. He let out a sigh and looked up at Karkat with tired eyes. “Shit. You're right.” Karkat scoffed. “Of course I'm right you bulge-licking grubfuck.” Dave seemed un-phased by the insult, “What do I do?” He looked at Karkat pleadingly and the troll sighed, face-palming before answering his friend. “Shut the fuck up. You apologize, dumbfuck, jesus.” Dave walked out of the room without saying a word, and Karkat couldn't help but bite his lip. Hopefully Dave wouldn't flip out on John, and things would go back to normal. Karkat flinches and nearly bolts out the door when he hears crying, but soon the noise is followed by light shooshing, and he relaxes. He walks out to the kitchen, getting ready to cook dinner with a rare smile on his face.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dinner sat on the table, steam visibly coming off of it as Karkat totally didn't clap his hands and smile. “Come on fuckers, dinner's ready!” A minute later, Dave an John come out of John's room, John with his usual goofy smile and Dave with his usual poker face. Karkat pretends not to notice John's puffy eyes or how both boy's faces are red from crying. Instead, he just rolls his eyes and sits down, happy that the issue seemed to have been resolved. Dinner was uneventful; John and Karkat held hands under the table, and after some snide remarks from Karkat, Dave had started to ramble. Something about being as chill as the arctic and being the king of penguins. Karkat went to bed content for the first time in about a perigee- no, shit, a month. There was nothing to worry about; John was happy, Dave was, well, a little less pissed off, and Karkat was finally relaxing.


	12. Make It Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's depression gets worse as life continues for the three housemates, and a little dinner party has a shocking end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It occurred to me that the last chapter title is the same as the song All Apologies by Nirvana. I thought that was kinda funny, so I'm going to continue naming them like that, and I'll go through and re-name the first ten once all the chapters are up. I meant to post them all on the first day, but stuff's been happening. Thanks for your patience and kudos!

_~ Late November~_

Dave's birthday was in 2 weeks, and the boys couldn't help feeling that the months had gone by fast. It seemed like just yesterday that Karkat and Dave had found out about John's cutting. No one knew what to think of it; it was a reoccurring issue but John didn't seem to be able to stop; or rather, he didn't want to. Karkat tried to abstain from bringing it up but the longer he put it off, the worse John looked. He was his matesprit dammit! He needed to say something! They had gone on a few dates recently to the movies or out to dinner. On the nights they came home early for one reason or another, Karkat would walk by John's room and hear him crying and blaming himself for their short date. It made Karkat's heart drop to know his matesprit hurt so much and that he could do nothing about it.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

After a while, John didn't cry anymore. He hardly showed any emotion, walking around as if he was always just waking up from a nap, with sunken shoulders and even more-so eyes; he practically walked through the house like a ghost, hardly ever acknowledging either of his housemates. Karkat still brought him to work, afraid of what he might come home to if he went to work alone. At least when John was in the library Karkat could peak through some books to check on him. Dave tried to get John to laugh, smile, hit him, anything, but John just didn't seem to care, or rather, he seemed to not feel anything. He would make the occasional comment then go back to his room or the kitchen. The kitchen constantly smelled of frosting and baking now. It seemed as though John didn't want to do anything else besides baking. Dave even cracked a joke about John turning into his dad and got nothing but a grunt as John put the soon-to-be cake into the oven.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John frowned at his reflection: droopy eyes, dull hair, paling skin, a frown that seemed to be etched into his face. He smacked his fist down on the granite counter of the bathroom. _You useless shit, why do you even try anymore? No one wants you. Not even Karkat....._ “John? I'm home!” John jumped at the voice. Composing himself, he walked out into the living room to find said troll setting down some grocery bags on the table. “Help me put these away would you?” John nods and goes to help Karkat, stopping when he sees a yellow box in one of the bags, and he pulls it out slowly.

“Gushers?”

“Yeah, we haven't had any in a while and I know how much you love them...” John smiles down at his matesprit and hugs him.

“Thanks Karkat.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

_This the kinda shit you don't hear on the radio_

_Above the competition you can't see me on your tippie toes_

_let 'em know I slice the trolls they need a sutra_

_girl witness now the knight of time is back like the future_

John raised an eyebrow as he walked by Dave's door. On a last minute impulse, he knocked on his door, and the music instantly stopped. Dave appeared before him a minute later with his poker face in place and his shades balanced on the bridge of his nose. “Wassup John?” John blinked, realizing he had spaced out. “Oh, uh... Hey Dave? Me and Karkat are going to go to the library now, just wanted to let you know.” Dave blinked and brought his hand up in a wave. “Thanks for lettin' me know, see you guys later.” John waved un-enthusiastically and ran after Karkat, who was already out the door.

After he heard the door click shut, Dave sat on his bed with a sigh and looked around his room. Against one wall was a bookshelf full of records and preserved dead things. Next to that was his desk, which held his laptop and a bright pink lamp with MLP stickers. It was purely ironic, it had nothing to do with his brother. He hadn't captcha'd the thing at his old apartment during the game. He didn't miss that abusive asshole at all. At the foot of his bed were his turntables and a pair of headphones. Cords snaked all along the floor and often tripped up his housemates, which is why up until the incident with John they never went in each other's rooms.

Opposite his bed was his closet, the sliding mirror doors reflecting his frown back at him in the dull light filtering through his blinds. Dave wasn't one for shopping so he didn't have too many clothes, and his closet held more ironic shit than anything else. SBAHJ posters adorned the walls alongside drawings by his friends from when they were kids. He kept one of John's old Nic Cage posters hanging above his bed for purely ironic reasons and next to his TV a Star Wars poster. Leia was fucking hot, okay. In the corner of his closet was a box full of his brother's old shit; a few smuppets, some weapons, and Squarewave's head. Dirk had his own Squarewave, who consequently _wasn't_ torn apart in a battle with Jack. 

Dave sighed and got up, entering the kitchen. After deciding he wasn't even hungry and therefore wasting his fucking time, he settled down on the couch with a protesting groan from the leather and flicked on the TV. Immediately his face was blasted with the freaky sight of a troll and a human making out and switched the channel to the news. Figures Karkat was watching romcoms before he went to work. A woman's voice came over the speakers and Dave redirected his attention.

_"And in other news, another teen has committed suicide this week after being bullied. The parents want to press charges on the school for not taking action and the funeral is expected to take place next Wednesday. More at 11. Back to you, Alan."_

Dave stared at the TV wide eyed, taking in what the woman had said, her words ringing in his head and making his head ache. What if that was John? How could they reduce him to a 15 second police report like that? Dammit, that wasn't right. John deserved better than that! Dave shook his head. _Get a grip Strider, that wasn't John._ He walked back into the kitchen, deciding he was hungry after all and shut off the TV, retreating back to his room with a bag of Doritos.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave didn't sing. He'd told John that a thousand times, yet John could hear the unmistakable voice of Dave cascading through the halls as he followed Karkat into the house. John crept up to the other boy's door, careful not to make a sound as he put his ear to the wood. Karkat rolled his eyes and headed into the kitchen to make dinner. John closed his eyes and leaned on Dave's door as his voice seeped through the wood.

_When I look into your eyes_

_It's like watching the night skies_

_Or a beautiful sunrise_

_There's so much they hold_

_And just like them old stars_

_I see that you've come so far_

_To be right where you are_

_How old is your soul?_

John had no idea Dave played guitar, or the fact he even owned one! _His voice is so pretty....._

_Well I won't give up on us_

_Even if the skies get rough_

_I'm givin you all my love_

_I'm still lookin up_

_And when you're needin your space_

_To do some navigating_

_I'll be here patiently waiting_

_To see what you find_

_Cause even the stars they burn_

_Some even fall to the earth_

_We got a lot to learn_

_God knows we're worth it_

_Oh I won't give up_

_I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily_

_I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make_

_Our differences they do a lot to teach us_

_how to use the tools and gifts we got yeah_

_We got a lot at steak_

_And in the end you're still my friend_

_At least we did intend for us to work_

_We didn't break we didn't burn_

_We had to learn_

_How to bend_

_Without the world_

_Cavin in_

_I had to learn_

_What I got_

_And what I'm not_

_And who I am_

_I won't give up on us_

_Even if the skies get rough_

_I'm givin you all my love_

_I'm still lookin up_

_I'm still lookin up_

_I won't give up on us_

_God knows I'm tough enough_

_We've got a lot to learn_

_God knows we're worth it_

_I won't give up on us_

_Even if the skies get rough_

_I'm givin you all my love_

_I'm still lookin up_

The tune faded out and John gently opened the door. Dave was facing away from him, sitting at his desk with a guitar in his lap. John walked up to him quietly and tapped his shoulder, making Dave jump. When Dave turned around John realized he'd been crying and frowned. “Are you okay Dave?” Dave quickly rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands and looked at John with his usual poker face. “Yeah, why? What's up?” John sighed and patted his shoulder as he turned around to leave. “Nothing, just wanted to let you know me and Karkat are back, dinner will be ready in an hour.” Dave nods in thanks as John left to talk to Karkat.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave smiled sadly down at his guitar; he wished these feelings would go away. Before he could rethink his decision, he found Rose's number and texted her.

**To: Snarky Broad**

yo rose

**From: Snarky Broad**

Yes, Dave?

**To: Snarky Broad**

im having probs

**From: Snarky Broad**

Care to elaborate?

**To: Snarky Broad**

john probs

**From: Snarky Broad**

Oh.

**From: Snarky Broad**

I see.

**To: Snarky Broad**

help me

**From: Snarky Broad**

Well what's wrong?

**To: Snarky Broad**

i just cant stand seeing him with that tiny douchebag theyre always hugging and cuddling and he makes john smile and ugh i just cant handle it i mean i want to be happy for him you have no idea hes my bro i should be happy but i just cant and i dont know why it just pisses me off so much like when i see karkat comforting john i want that to be me.... but then i feel bad for thinking that

**From: Snarky Broad**

I see.

**From: Snarky Broad**

Have you considered that maybe you have feelings for John?

**To: Snarky Broad**

i

**To: Snarky Broad**

no

**To: Snarky Broad**

but i dont i mean were bros but i dont wanna fuck hi-

**To: Snarky Broad**

oh shit

**To: Snarky Broad**

rose i fucked him

**From: Snarky Broad**

As insightful as that fact is to the situation, I did not need to hear that.

**To: Snarky Broad**

sorry

**From: Snarky Broad**

It's fine.

**From: Snarky Broad**

What happened after?

**To: Snarky Broad**

well we obviously didnt get together

**To: Snarky Broad**

he prob doesnt like me that way

**From: Snarky Broad**

I'm not so sure.

**From: Snarky Broad**

You know John, he wouldn't participate in something so intimate if he didn't care enough for the person involved.

**To: Snarky Broad**

i guess so

**To: Snarky Broad**

but then why is he with karkat

**From: Snarky Broad**

Well,

**From: Snarky Broad**

it could be a number of reasons.

**To: Snarky Broad**

like

**From: Snarky Broad**

Maybe he didn't get the right signals from you after the event?

**From: Snarky Broad**

He could have been hoping for a date or some other proposal and not said anything, turning to Karkat for comfort by default.

**To: Snarky Broad**

shit

**To: Snarky Broad**

god dammit

**To: Snarky Broad**

rose im such a dumbass

**From: Snarky Broad**

Yes you can be quite thick.

**To: Snarky Broad**

wow thanks

**To: Snarky Broad**

feelin the love

**From: Snarky Broad**

You're welcome.

**From: Snarky Broad**

I'm sorry Dave but I must go.

**From: Snarky Broad**

Kanaya and I were going to venture out to the craft store.

**To: Snarky Broad**

yeah sure whatever

**To: Snarky Broad**

 have fun playing with swaths

**To: Snarky Broad**

dont forget the sex in the bathroom

**From: Snarky Broad**

Oh of course.

**From: Snarky Broad**

How could I?

**To: Snarky Broad**

okay ew i was kidding

**From: Snarky Broad**

As was I.

**To: Snarky Broad**

oh okay good

**From: Snarky Broad**

Goodbye, Dave.

**To: Snarky Broad**

see ya later

Dave slides his phone shut and stuffs it in his pocket, pulling his laptop into his lap. After realizing how bad he fucked up with John, he decides a break would do him good to get his mind off of it all. He had left the task of updating SBAHJ to Dirk, and decided to check on his progress. His soft laughter floated through the room as he checked the latest update, and after he had finished he decided to check on his many blogs. Nothing new was happening, and it was with a bored sigh that he shut his laptop and jumped into bed, turning on his TV. He spent the next few hours watching the history channel. Some new show about alien conspiracy theories. He ended up drifting off to the sounds of chubby scientists arguing over the existence of aliens in Texas.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave woke up to pounding on his door. The sound reverberated in his head and he hid his head in this arms. “The hell do you want?” He grumbled from between his forearms. He heard mumbling and complaining on the other end but couldn't make out what the person was saying. “I can't fucking hear you, speak up.”

“I said dinner is fucking ready Strider! Now hurry the fuck up because the other humans are here!” Karkat stomped off and Dave groaned, rolling out of bed and smoothing down his hair. When he finally joined the others in the dining room he realizes Karkat was right when he sees their kid parents and the girls all talking animatedly while John sat at the end of the table with a small smile on his face. Dave walked over, sitting between John and Dirk, patting his brother on the back roughly. “Sup bro?”

“Hey Dave, glad to see you haven't killed yourself with all your drinking.” John tensed up beside him and Dave kicked his brother under the table, earning him a string of curse words. Dave smiled and turned to John. “Sup.” he nodded and turned to the others. “Does anyone know what's for dinner?” Karkat came into the room then, holding a steaming pot, “I should feed all of you shits cake with how much John's been baking, but we're having spaghetti. Like it or fuck off.”

“I'm pretty sure it's 'like it or lump it' karkitty.”

“Did I ask you Jade? No? Then shut the fuck up.” Jade huffed and turned to Jake, who was talking to Dirk about the superiority of guns over katanas. _Good luck with that._ Dave thought, smiling to himself. Karkat sat across from Dave and glared at him, earning a questioning look from the other. “The hell is up your ass?” Karkat blushed profusely and the kids snickered. “N-nothing, shithead! God you humans are so fucking stupid.” Dave rolls his eyes behind his shades and goes back to serving himself. “Whatever dumbass.” About halfway through dinner the conversation began to pick up in debate over who's specibus was better than who's and what weapon would win in a fight. Halfway through the conversation John reached across the table to grab a piece of garlic bread and his shirt rode up his arm, revealing the just-healed cuts. The talking stuttered to a halt and realizing what happened, John quickly pulled his arm back to his chest, tugging the sleeve down to his knuckles.

Dirk was the first to break the silence, “The fuck would you do that for man? Not cool.” John looked like he had just been kicked in the face, and he slowly got up from the table, leaving the bread on his plate. He walked through the hallway silently, shutting his door behind him with a barely audible click. Dave quickly got up, staring daggers at his bro as he practically ran after John. Everyone stayed silent as they heard John's door open and close again. The kids shared a look and simultaneously got up, taking their plates to the kitchen. “I think we should go now.....It was a great dinner, thanks Karkles~” Roxy said, pulling on Dirk's hand, walking toward the door. Jane looked at Rose and Jade sympathetically before following Roxy out the door, Jake following after. Rose and Jade shared a look before saying their goodbyes, and Karkat shut himself up in his room.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“John?” Dave opened John's door slowly, slightly apprehensive to invade his privacy. John lay on his bed, back facing the door and shaking slightly. Dave frowned at his friend and sat down next to him, making the mattress sink under his weight. John gave no visible recognition that he had noticed Dave and he put a hand on the boy's shoulder, bending down to try to make eye contact. John was holding the scissors in his hands, his eyes clenched tightly shut, causing his face to scrunch up in a silent cry. Dave's breath caught in his throat. He stared at his best friend for what seemed like an eternity before John opened the scissors and started towards his wrist. Dave's eyes grew wide and he screamed out the first thing he could think of.

“KARKAAAAT!!!!” His voice sounded feral, wild. He was shaking, trying to grab at the scissors as tears pricked his eyes. “K – KARKAAAAAAA– ” His voice gave out and he was left on the bed next to John, silently screaming for the troll to come help. Seconds later he heard a door slam against a wall and Karkat was right there next to him, turning John on his back and trying to pry the scissors away. Suddenly John's screams were filling the air, shrill and strong, vibrating in Dave's head.

“LET ME DIE!! LET ME – LET ME GO!!! FUCKIN LET GO OF ME!! I WANNA DIE!!!! LET ME DIEEEE!!!!” There were tears in each boy's eyes, threatening to spill over as they all wrestled for the scissors. Dave managed to yank the scissors from his friend and fell off the bed. In an instant Karkat was holding John close, shooshing the human as his body shook like a leaf. Dave walked silently into his room, locking the scissors away and returning to John's room to sit at his desk in case he was needed. “I wanna die... Just let me die... Let me die..... Let me die.... I wanna die.... I wanna die... I wanna die.. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die–“ Karkat pet his hair, rocking softly as he held his matesprit close. Translucent red tears spilled over as he cried silently above John. “Don't s-say that John..... Don't say that.....”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave tied the apron strings behind his back, glancing over at John who sat lifelessly at his laptop across the coffee shop. He turned to the customer in front of him and had to shake his head to make sure he wasn't just imagining things. “Rose? Why are you here? You hate coffee.” She smiles sadly and gives a vague gesture towards John. “Yes, but I suffer no aversion to him. How is he?”

It had been a week since their group dinner. Since then, Dave never let John out of his sight except to go DJ at a party, in which case Karkat stayed with him. Dave sighed, rubbing his eyes. “He's..... alive. Dammit I don't know what to do Lalonde. We took him to a therapist but they said unless he 'put forth the effort and asked for help' it was useless.” He chokes up and tries to hide his face in his bangs, “I don't wanna come home and find him dead, Rose. I don't know if I could handle that.” Rose's smile turns into an understanding frown and she hugs him, which he is quick to accept. “I know,” She says in his ear. “But the best we can do for him is make sure he's okay. I'm sorry, but I don't know what to do either.” The statement makes Dave's heart sink. Rose always knows what to do. Dave stole a glance at John; he looked as though he was reading something.... As long as he was okay....

Dave sits down at a nearby table and Rose follows suit, placing her purse carefully on the table. They sit there in silence for what feels like an eternity before Feferi comes out of the back room with her own apron tied around her waist. “Come on Dave~! Time is money~ glub glub glub!” Dave sighed and got up to follow Feferi. “Good bye Dave, I'll call later.”

“See ya Rose.”

After Rose has left, the sound of bells following, Feferi smiles knowingly at Dave. “Was that your gilfrond~?” Dave looks at her incredulously for a minute before realizing she had never met any of them accept their parents and Jade. He shakes his head, “No. Sister, actually.” She looks at him surprised and goes back to smiling quickly. “Oh~ whale you two do look a lot alike! Now come on silly! Time to work~!” You follow her behind the counter and she walks over to the coffee machines you never bothered learning about to get ready for the usual morning rush.


	13. "B" Movie Box Car Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finally gets a job, and Karkat and Dave ask the other kids for help with John.

Karkat looked around at his friends all gathered in his living room. Dave had taken John out to see the new Nic Cage movie, so he didn't have to worry about watching the subject of conversation; they were free to talk about John's condition. “I'm afraid if nothing is done to try to help his depression, we may lose him. For good. I don't know the specifics, but I believe he would consider suicide a just death and he may not be resurrected; assuming we even have the capability anymore.” Karkat looked up from his lap to the girl sitting across from him. Rose had Kanaya's hand clasped in hers and looked about the group of friends. Karkat scowled and brought his fist down on the couch arm. “And exactly what the fuck are you expecting us to do? It's not like he's putting forth any fucking effort to get help..... No matter how much we try and convince him.”

Rose continued on calmly. “Since Karkat and Dave are obviously the ones closest to him, they'll have to do most of the work. All of us will be here, but it's up to you whether John gets better, Karkat.” Karkat shut his eyes tightly and swore under his breath. How was he going to save John if he didn't want any help? Karkat hates therapists, but he has to agree with them that in order for John to get better, he has to _want_ to get better. How was he going to make that happen?

“How has John been, Karkat? Has he gotten any better?”

Karkat sighed and rubbed between his eyebrows. “No, Jade. He hasn't. Why don't you just fucking stop asking because he won't be okay.” Jade frowned and got up to sit next to Karkat. “Karkat, it'll be okay. We're here for you and John, okay?” Karkat just growled and Jade went back to her spot, sighing as she sat down.

“I could build a robot to-”

“No, fuck off with your robot porn shit.”

“Maybe if we had a fisticuffs?”

“Wow Jake, you're a genius! You've found a _faster_ way for him to die!”

“Sorry....”

“Purrhaps a nice nap and a kitty?”

“No Nepeta.”

“Whale you said he doesn't have a job, perhaps he'd like to work at the cafe with me and Dave? Just for the halibut?”

Karkat thought it over. John did say he wanted a job, and he had spent all night researching things to bring up John's mood. Maybe a job would give him a sense of purpose? At the very least it would get him out of the house and interacting with people, and not just watching TV all day. “Sure, whatever. Are you allowed to just give out jobs like that though Piexes? I wouldn't want your stupidity to lose you your job.”

“Don't inthult Fef you douthebag.”

“Shut up Sollux. Well Feferi?”

“Yeah! It's cool, I'm the manager after all~!”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

 

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John sighed as he tied the strings of his apron behind him in a neat bow and looked up as the bell above the door chimed, smiling at the couple coming through the door. “Hi! Welcome to Alternia's Cove, what can I help you with?” The couple smiled at him and gave him their order, sitting down at the other end of the cafe. A hand landed on John's shoulder and he flinched, turning around and sighing in relief when he realized it was only Dave. John turned to his friend, flashing a small smile he hoped the other would believe. He didn't. “Dude, what's wrong?”

“What are you talking about? Nothing's wrong, I'm fine.” Dave rolled his eyes behind his shades.

“Yeah, sure.”

“I'm telling the truth!”

“Whatever, let's get to work.”

The rest of the day was pretty monotonous, even if it was just John's first day of having a job. When they got home they both collapsed onto the couch, Dave grabbing the remote and flipping the TV to some shitty anime. John decided to rest his head on Dave's shoulder; they were bros and he was tired, so who cares, right? He tried blocking out the stupid opening theme and before he knew it he was asleep. He was in his old house, the one he grew up in. He walked through the halls, eventually ending up in the kitchen. It still smelled like cake in here, John could remember the last time he saw his Dad; he had been trying to avoid him and put on those stupid prankster's glasses. If only he had stopped and hugged his Dad, said goodbye, or said he loved him; something. But now he can't, because he's gone.  _I'm so proud of you._ The words echoed in his head, and he sank to the ground, hands covering his face as sobs wracked his body.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

The door slammed hard against the wood frame, curses and incoherent shouts resounding off of the walls as Karkat entered the mostly silent house; he just came home from a _very_ shitty day of work. Vriska wouldn't shut the hell up and there was some asinine teacher bringing her loud-ass kids on a “school field trip” which he's pretty sure is code for “I didn't have a lesson planned so let's go somewhere else”. The only noise aside from himself was the TV; he peered through the living room to see Dave and John asleep in front of some shitty human cartoon. He thinks Dirk calls it anime? _Whatever_ , he thinks to himself, _all human entertainment is idiotic_. Without hesitation Karkat drops himself on the couch, making John jump as Dave blinks angrily at him. _Yeah that's right Strider, stay off my matesprit._ John gets up drowsily and Karkat follows him to the kitchen, making conversation as he gets dinner ready.

“How was your first day of work?”

“It was okay, kinda stupid. Lots of stupid actually.” 

“What happened?”

John looks at him for a minute before getting back to cooking. “Well I got a fucking headache from Fef, she was so frickin loud. And all day customers were just annoying and stupid and I swear I saw Eridan's alternate dad or some shit. Guy looked like a greaser, it was hilarious. Fef had to chase him out of the cafe because he refused to put out his cigarette.” He paused thoughtfully, gazing into the pot he was making mac-'n-cheese in. “Well, I guess it was pretty good? I don't know, between having a slow day and all the fucking hipsters I guess I forgot the fun parts.” He looks at Karkat and smiles, and without realizing it he was smiling too.

“Well, glad to see the stench of bean water hasn't fried your sense of humour.” Karkat grumbled, settling back into a familiar scowl. John scoffed at him but he could tell there's only good nature behind it. “What about you Karkat? How was working with Vriska?” He chuckles a little before kissing Karkat on the cheek and stirring dinner while the troll talked. 

“Oh god, don't even get me fucking started. As soon as I get there Vriska wouldn't get off my back about a new order of books I had to fucking sort through. Have you ever thought about the people who have to put the Dewy Decimal System shit on books? I fucking envy them for doing it for a living. One hour and I wanted to kill myself-” He stops, realizing what he said, but John doesn't seem to think anything of it. He sighs and continues. “A bunch of whiny-ass wriggler humans came to the library on a fucking field trip. That bitch didn't know the first thing about libraries, I tell ya. The fucking shit sponge had the kids bring in McDonald's and never cared to tell them to shut up. I never thought Vriska cared about books until I saw her face when they started getting grease all over them. Fucking disgusting. Humans are gross. Why are they gross John. I'll tell you why, it's because they have no fucking sense of morality or manners, and they think they can do whatever whenever to whoever and they don't even bother to clean their messes. The literal and metaphorical ones.”

He's broken out of his ceaseless rant by John's laughter. “Oh my god Karkat, they were just kids, of course they were going to make a mess! But yeah it sounds like that teacher was a real dumbass.” Karkat sighed and stepped behind John, hugging him around the waist. He rested his chin on his shoulder, breathing out through his nose. John closes his eyes, settling the back of his head against Karkat's shoulder. He's a little shorter than John, his growth spurt not coming until he very nearly beat the game. Karkat stays like that for a few minutes, decompressing in the comfort of John's presence and he in Karkat's. Finally he pulls away and moves to set the table. He glances back at the troll several times during their back-and-forth to get everything ready, and Karkat swears he caught him staring at his ass once. _And he used to spout that “no homo” shit till he was blue in the face. Fucking liar._

Throughout dinner John looks distracted, staring at his plate as if he was seeing something they couldn't. Karkat decided not to say anything, reasoning with himself that if John wanted to talk about it, he would.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Wednesdays were movie nights, and it was John's turn to pick. Karkat sat down on the couch heavily, letting out a very audible groan as John just laughs at him from the DVD cabinet by the TV. He pulls out a movie the troll hasn't seen before, and he gets up to look at the cover. “It Could Happen to You?” John smiles at Karkat, “Yeah! I bought it yesterday after work, and I thought it'd be the perfect compromise!” He snatches the case out of his hands, flipping it over to read the summary. It was a romcom about some guy who wins the lottery and tries to get his love interest to go with him to spend it.... Or something. God he's having a hard time focusing today. It had Nic Cage in it too. Ah, so there's the so-called compromise. Okay.

Karkat puts the DVD in the player and settles back on the couch, John curling up to his side as he wraps an arm around him. His head is still pounding, two days later, but he try to ignore it in favour of the dork practically sitting in his lap. The movie goes by without much of a hassle between the two of them, both of them caught up in their parts of the movie; Karkat trying his best to ignore Nic Cage and John doing just the opposite. It's almost 11 by the time the movie is over, and Karkat's exhausted. He has to show up to work early tomorrow, so he takes John to his room and they both slip under the covers.

Nowadays It isn't that uncommon for one of them to wake up with the other in their arms, so they both eventually conceded to just going to bed together. Neither of them minded in the least, curling up against each other and falling asleep to the other's steady breathing. If Karkat was conscious right now, he'd say it was horribly sappy albeit romantic. As it is, he's already fallen into a dreamless sleep, clinging to John like a lifeline. Not that he minded.


	14. Monotony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life begins to set into a bit of a routine, and everyone decides to break the monotony by going to the park.

John's eyes open and he groans, shifting and hitting something soft. _Oh,_ he thinks to himself,  _it's just Karkat._ He blinks a few times before he looks at the clock and realizes he's late for work. He hurries to get ready, pounding on Dave's door as he tries to get his tie around his neck. His dad always told him to dress professionally. "Dave, come on! We're gonna be late!" There's shuffling on the other side of the door and John takes a step back as it's opened; Dave isn't a morning person. "It's fucking saturday Egbert, we have the day off. Go back to bed why dontcha?" The door slams shut in his face, and John heads back to his room. 

Karkat is just waking up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, leaning on one elbow. “What was that? And why are you dressed for work?” He asks groggily. Last night the two of them slept in John's room, because his sheets needed to be washed after a certain  **cough cough** activity. “Oh nothing, just Dave, and I forgot it was saturday, ehehe.” He rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly; how could he forget it was saturday? Especially now that he has a job to keep track of the week for him. “Jesus Christ... Whatever, just come back to bed, will you dumbass?” John laughs and nods his head, already working to undo his tie. "I don't even understand why you wear that fucking thing." Before John can respond, he's asleep. 

The next time he wakes up, Karkat is shaking his shoulder, saying something about lunch. “Whu....What?” Wow Egbert, smooth. “I said I'm going out to get lunch, the fuck do you want?” John grins before taking Karkat's hand and kissing the knuckles like they would in a romcom. “Depends where you're going, babe~.” As expected, this makes him blush profusely and he stutters, trying to hide his blush behind his free hand. “I don't fucking know, Dave's out so it's whatever you want today.” John perks up at his statement. “What? Dave's gone? Where'd he go?” Karkat sighs and John lets Karkat's hand drop from his, and just as he expected, the troll drags it through his hair. “I don't fucking know, I'm not omniscient okay? Probably to his fucking bro's house. Like I even give a shit. So what do you want?”

John thinks on it for a minute before responding, “Do you remember my usual from Porrim's Grub Tub?” Karkat responds with a scoff. “That sounds good, thanks Karkat.” He mumbles a 'whatever' before leaving, and John lets out a quiet sigh when he hears the door shut. He finally gets out of bed, looking at the clock to see that it's indeed lunch time; 12:24 to be exact. He moves to the living room and turns on the TV to see that Dave left it on a pre-recorded MLP. He laughs lightly and flick it over to the local news channel. There's a storm warning, which John thinks is weird, considering it's not winter. He shrugs it off and moves to the kitchen, where he pretty much spends the next few hours baking.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

The door opens and Dave walks in; the house is silent and the only light on is in the kitchen. Curious, he moves to check out what's happening and sees John standing there in front of the stove, a blank look on his face. Dave steps between John and the stove, crouching slightly to look in his eyes. There's a cloudiness to them, as if he's not even conscious. Dave gets worried and waves a hand in front of his friend's face, trying to get his attention. “John?..... Yo, Egbert. Waky-waky. Come on dude you're freakin' me out here.” Nothing happens and Dave sighs, his brows creasing behind his shades. A thunder clap sounds from outside and Dave jumps. It's like..... The middle of summer, isn't it? Whatever, it's not like anyone can ever tell, the weather's always weird nowadays. Dave looks back to John to see him smiling up at him. “Oh hey Dave! When did you get home?” Dave blinks slowly. Whatever, at least he's back to normal. “I just did bro, you need to pay better attention.” John laughs, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Even if I did I don't think it would matter, you Striders are practically ninjas.”

“Egderp, we _are_ ninjas. Ironically.”

“Sure Dave, whatever you say.”

It goes on like this for the next hour and a half, the both of them bantering back and forth, while something nagged at the back of Dave's mind. He decided to forget it when Karkat walked through the door, complaining about who knows what, and was also apparently 'none of your fucking business anyways'. They all ate dinner together, talking about their days respectively. It all felt..... domestic to Dave. It was weird.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

He woke up on the floor, his legs trapped in his royal blue blankets. John sighs, sitting up and rubbing the knot out of his neck. He walks to his side table on his knees, feeling around for his glasses until he fits them on his face. John sits there blankly for another minute, taking the time to fully wake up. When he comes to, Dave is standing at his door looking at him strangely. “Oh, hey Dave. Sup?” He lets out a sigh through his nose and looks at John.“I was just seein' if you wanted to come to the park with me and Karkles. Some of the others might join us for lunch or whatever.” He doesn't even think on it before he's smiling up at Dave, jumping for his dresser. “Sure! When are we leaving?”

“As soon as you're ready, bro.”

“Okay!”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

The weather was alright. Not exactly clear skies for kites or anything, but it wasn't storming. The trolls and the kids met around noon and they all had a picnic (which unfortunately meant Karkat and Sollux getting in a food fight, all because Sollux kept putting honey on everything..... Including KK's hair). Despite the conditions being so positive and having all of his friends around him, John found he still had to force himself to smile. He couldn't tell if it's really bothering him or if he just didn't care anymore. He found he didn't care about a lot of things. He shrugged it off as being a regular depression thing and run to catch up to Karkat, who, while he were caught up in his introspection, had begun to chase Sollux about the park.

he heard Jade say something about Bec from behind him and turned around to see her watching some of the neighborhood kids playing with a great big brown dog. She has a sad smile on her face and John walked up to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. She looked at him with sadness filling her eyes and took his hand in hers, turning her attention back to the kids as Rose and Dave walk up to the two of them. “I really miss him. He would have loved it here.” John had forgotten; Bec hadn't come back after the game. Rose thought it might have something to do with him being prototyped into Jade's kernelsprite, or that he was one of the big bosses at the end of the game, but no one is really sure, so none of them talk about it. Honestly, he couldn't care either way; he killed his dad. It wasn't exactly _Bec_ per se, but John still felt hatred whenever someone brought him up.

“I am sure he would have. It is a shame he can not be here with us, isn't it John?” Rose looks at him with an expression he can't quite make out. John laughs nervously and scratches at his head. “Hehehe, sorry, I wasn't listening, what was that?” Rose sighed, a barely-there reaction to John's usual air-headedness.

“I said it is a shame Bec cannot be here with us today, don't you agree?” Jade is looking at him almost expectantly, and the way Rose said Bec's name was almost like she expected John to shatter at the mention of it. He shivers, and he doesn't know why. “Y-yeah, he seemed like a really great dog, Jade.” For the rest of the afternoon, Jade tells them all stories about her adventures on her island with Bec, Jake intervening once or twice with details he picked up in their penpal days. John couldn't remember exactly what happened, he wasn't all there; Rose noticed.


	15. Dirty Tango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Dave decide to go to a new club for a change of pace and John makes a big mistake.

Rose decided she needed to have a conference call with the two boys living with John to make sure nothing bad was happening. After about five minutes, she was beginning to regret her decision. 

“All I am saying Dave, is that I think we might need to keep a closer eye on John, that is all.”

“Yeah well, what _I'm_ saying is that me and Karkat have this under control, got it? Egbert is under full surveillance. We are sticking to him like a scab, and not just any scab, the kind of scab that no matter how hard that little 7-year-old tries to pick it off their knee, it is damn near fused to the skin, it ain't ever coming off, not til it's good and ready.”

“DAVE WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR JUST 5 SECONDS, THE ADULTS ARE TRYING TO TALK.”

“Oh very funny Karkat, you can't even ride most of the rides at Disneyland, and you call yourself an adult?”

“I AM 9.23 SWEEPS OLD YOU SHIT HEAD!”

“Boys, please. Let Rose talk.”

“Thank you Kanaya. As I was saying; John's been spacing out a lot lately, and we all know he has been depressed... Can I ask the both of you something?”

“Sure.”

“THE FUCK IS IT.”

“Has he been hallucinating?”

“.......”

“.......”

“I trust you know what that means; that he sees things that aren't there and-”

“YEAH YEAH WE FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.”

“I'm just trying to remember if Egderp ever has, I hardly get to talk to him while we're at work.”

“......”

“Karkat? What's wrong?”

“Well, there was this one time.... He'd had a nightmare.... Nothing huge- okay no, it was huge... For us. And when he woke up he said he couldn't look at me because I was dead or some shit....”

“.......”

“.......”

“.......”

“Karkat, this is important; how long was he like that?”

Karkat thought about it, tapping his fingers over the table as his grip on his phone intensified.

“I don't know.... It felt like an eternity though.... Probably only about half an hour.... He ended up puking too...”

“....Shit....”

“Ever so eloquent, brother.”

“Hey you-”

“Karkat, you and John share a human bed now, am I right?”

“Yes Maryam, what's your point?”

“Can you keep a close eye on him? Make sure to tell us if he has another hallucination.”

“Sure, whatever....”

“Thank you Karkat.”

“Alright kiddies, daddy's gotta get back to work to feed his little ones.”

“OH SHUT UP STRIDER!”

“No really Fef is busting my ass to hang up, I gotta go.”

“Alright, it was....... Useful talking to you both. Make sure to keep us in the loop.”

“YEAH SURE WHATEVER.”

“Okay.”

“Goodbye boys.”

“BYE.”

“See ya.”

Rose ended the call, placing the cell phone in her purse before taking Kanaya's hand. They had both decided on a walk earlier to help calm their nerves before the call. The both of them continue walking, a small cloud hanging over their heads. “Do you think he will be alright, Rose?” She smiled at Kanaya. From the moment Rose had met her back on the meteor, she had always given the girl a maternal sort of feeling, like she was born – hatched – to be a mother. “I'm sure the boys can handle it. Besides, even if they mess up, they have us.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave stuffed his ironic flip phone in his back pocket, taking the bus bin he had set on one of the coffee tables and walking to the kitchen with the load of dishes. He set them next to Tavros, who smiled weakly and went on polishing a plate. Dave turned around to go back out on the floor to find Gamzee in front of him, blocking the doorway. “Oh.... Hey Gam...” He had never really liked Gamzee; he never felt safe around him, especially after hearing about his psychotic break on the meteor. He was pretty sure they had sent him to a crazy house when they got to the new AlterniEarth, but apparently not. “Hey motherfucker, what's got you all smelling like stress and fear?” His grin was lopsided, his head tilted slightly to the left as he put a hand on Dave's shoulder. Dave gently pushed off Gamzee's hand, using only his index and thumb, not wanting to touch him more than he had to.

“Nothing, bro. I'm as chill as the north pole. I'm king of the penguins.” Gamzee just laughed, deep and melodious as he stepped to the side to give Dave access to the door. “Alright motherfucker, whatever you say..” Dave stepped out of the kitchen, a shiver going down his spine. John walked up beside him, empty cup in hand as he moved past to fill an order. “Hey Dave! I overheard some customers talking about the new club down the street, you wanna go check it out tonight?” Dave blinked, shaking his head slightly. John didn't seem to notice as he stood with empty cup in hand, smiling at his friend expectantly. Dave sighed and looked over at a young couple talking just a few tables away.

“Sure, why the hell not. We going after work?” John jumped up and down, trying and failing to contain his joy. “Yep!” And just like that he was off to fill the next order. Dave sighed again. Holy _shit._ He was going clubbing with Egbert.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

The rest of work turned out to be the longest hour and a half of his life. As soon as Feferi said they could leave, John grabbed Dave's hand and bolted out the door, sucking fresh air in as he ran down to the club. He really needed this. Hopefully he would come home a little more relaxed tonight. The music pulsed through the ground and strobe lights of every colour glided over the dancers in the centre of the club. John immediately headed for the bar, dragging Dave along with him. He sat down, ordering the biggest, most colourful drink he saw while Dave starts ranting.

“-Like a fucking jungle of bodies. I'm not saying I don't like the club scene; I practically live in it; but damn, this is..... Different.” John knew exactly what he meant. As per every club in existence, the dance floor was full of horny young adults grinding up on each other. The bar was typical, messy as hell and crowded with people trying to convince the bartender they were at least 21. The bar had a 'Hall of Fame' theme to it, pictures of famous actors, singers, athletes, etcetera lining the walls. Along the west wall there was a separate hallway leading to another room, the lights spilling out and painting the hallway red.

“Come on Dave! Let's go over there~!” He quickly grabbed his wrist and tugged him toward the hallway, making sure to be careful that his drink- whatever the hell it is- doesn't spill over. He could hear Dave's soft protests behind him; something about 'shady horror movie setting' and 'ominous hooker music'. Whatever. They both entered the room, and John dropped Dave's hand, taking in the scene around him. The entire room is bathed red, with seedy couches and mattresses everywhere. John let a small shriek escape his mouth as he realized what he just stumbled into; a sex room- a _gay_ sex room. His mind is going 90 miles a minute. Now that he thinks about it, he didn't remember seeing any women on the dance floor or at the bar.... John looks over at Dave and sees he has a huge blush covering his face, and he can't tell if he's looking at him or the gay couple to their right..... _Doing it._ It's not like John himself is a virgin – obviously – but the thought of being stuck in this kind of environment – public gay sex – with your best friend, it was just too much. He chugged the rest of his drink and set the glass on a nearby table.

John looks for a place to sit that doesn't look like someone's had sex on it in the past 5 minutes and sat down heavily, Dave following suit. They both stare ahead at nothing, completely silent until John says, “Well that's hot.” He immediately covers his mouth, his face turning red. _The hell is wrong with you?! You're in a sex room for fuck's sake!_ _No._ He tells himself, _don't think-say that word._ But it's too late, and now he's thinking about fucking..... About fucking.... fuck, ANYONE.  _WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU'RE DATING KARKAT!!!_ He looks over at Dave to see him giving him a look that probably mirrors his own face right now. Dave's voice startles him out of his thoughts. “Wow Egbert, didn't know you were into watching.” A new blush spreads across John's face, but he didn't think it's from embarrassment. He started to feel warm, and he vaguely wondered just what the fuck he drank.

“Well only the blonde ones.” John slurs, and Dave's face gets red. “You're drunk. Fuck.” John laughs, and it sounds too light, almost crazy. “I'm not _drunk_ fuck face, I'm _enjoying myself!”_ He can feel Dave roll his eyes behind his shades, and before he knew what he's doing, he's pulling them off of Dave's face. “Let's get these off!”

“Egbert, what the fuck?”

“I feel soooooooo hot right now Dave~.” John tugs on his shirt collar and Dave blushes and bows his head, covering his face with his hair. “Jesus Christ, I can hear the 8 o's in your voice. You're fucking wasted.” John giggles and lean heavily on him, surprising him and sending them both falling over; Dave laying on his back, John on top of him. John leans in so his mouth is next to Dave's ear and whisper-whines, “Dave, please. I need to take my clothes off. I'm so hot!” John feels Dave shiver beneath him as he protests, “D-dude... This is not the time  _or_ place for that. And I am  _so_ not the person.” John just whines and grinds down on Dave's hips, letting out a moan that would make a porn star proud. He does it again, feeling Dave's cock on his thigh harden. “He won't know~. Come on~. Help me~.” He moves his hands to Dave's hips and grinds down on him, simultaneously taking his mouth in a sloppy drunken kiss. Dave tries to say something, but all of his protests are swallowed by John's mouth as he licks his lips, forcing his tongue in.

After a minute John can feel Dave relax, and he responds to the kiss. He grinds down on him again and Dave keens under him. The music from the other room pulses through his burning skin, vibrating the couch and sending shocks to his stiffening cock. He groans, one hand snaking down to palm himself through his pants. After a minute he moves his hand to Dave's crotch, palming him in time with the music. He moans and John shivers, the sound going straight to his dick. John begins to kiss down his neck, stopping to nip and suck on the flesh, turning it red before he moves on to the next spot. Dave arches his back under him, pressing his erection against John's hand. He starts to undo the zipper, hearing Dave sigh when he frees the pressure off of his hardened dick. John slips his hand under his boxers, grabbing his dick and pumping. Dave moans under him, fidgeting and shifting, trying to get out but not wanting to.

“J-John.... Wha-!” John flicks his wrist clumsily, his body starting to ache. John kisses him roughly, thrusting his tongue into Dave's mouth, exploring every crevice. He goes back to sucking Dave's neck, moving down and biting on his clavicle. He moans and arches up, bucking his hips into John's hand. “J-J-Jo~hn!” He moans his name and John's dick pulses, becoming painfully hard, and he whines. John takes his hand away, sticking his fingers in front of Dave's face, looking up at him with half-lidded eyes. “Suck,” He says in a raspy voice, and he takes the digits into his mouth. John pushes his shirt up, working his way down Dave's chest. John stops at his nipple and licks the tip, earning a keening moan from Dave above him. He takes it in his mouth, sucking on it and playing with it until it becomes pert and he moves on to the next one. John takes his fingers out of Dave's mouth and take both of their shirts off, panting. Dave works on his pants while John works on his, and soon both of them are in nothing but their boxers and respective eye wear.

John moves back to Dave's chest, licking and nipping down to his hips, and he takes John's fingers back in his mouth. Once he feels like the heat under his skin is too much and he's in too much pain, he takes his fingers out of Dave's mouth and leans back on his haunches, reaching his fingers back to prod at his entrance. John gets in the first finger down to the base and gasps, taking a minute to get used to the feeling before he starts moving in inside of himself. Everything is far more sensitive than he remembers, and his chest is heaving with great gasps. Soon he adds a second finger and start scissoring them, his thighs shaking and loud, long moans escaping him. While he's been fingering himself, Dave has started to jerk off, and John uses his free hand to stop him. Dave takes the hint and moves his hand to John's cock, pumping slowly at first and then building up a rhythm to his fingering. John moans loudly, and Dave makes a joke about him sounding like a porn star. John shuts him up by kissing him, mouth open in a silent moan. John takes his fingers out of his ass, the feeling of being empty making him sob. John pushes Dave weakly and he lays down, John moving to straddle his hips.

Dave's eyes widen and he puts a hand on John's hip, looking him in the eyes. “J-John... Are you sure?” They're both panting by this point, John sounding more desperate, his head swimming with a pleasant buzz and his body simultaneously aching and burning as he wordlessly nods his head. He begins to lower himself onto Dave before he stops him. “No wait.... It's going to hurt like hell if I go in dry.” John whines, but gets off of Dave after a gentle push, shifting so Dave's cock is right in front of his face. He takes half of it in one go, licking and sucking as he bobs his head, humming. Dave arches his back, moaning as he threads his hands through John's hair. John takes his mouth off of Dave and he whines. John moves back over him clumsily, kissing him as he lowers himself onto Dave. Dave moves his hands over John's body, feeling him all over, massaging circles into his hips, and one of his hands snakes around to squeeze John's ass. He jumps, surprised, and ends up slipping, ramming Dave's cock up his ass and he screams. Dave swears under his breath and John feels a wave of arousal push through him.

“Shit shit shit shit shit John are you okay?” John closes his eyes, trying to breathe as he rocks his hips, the burning subsiding with every brush of Dave's cock against his prostate. Dave takes a deep breath, trying to remain calm and rational. “Are you sure? We should stop, I don't want to-” John kisses him roughly, grinding his hips and moaning loudly. By this point John's forgotten where he is, just focusing on the pleasure and making the aching burn go away, and he's moaning unabashedly as he rocks his hips to the beat of the music. Dave puts his hands back on John's hips and he raises himself till just the tip is still inside, and then lets himself drop. Dave winces and John moans wantonly, digging his nails into Dave's sides as he throws his head back. He begins to bounce on Dave's cock, his head bent low as he shivers with the feeling of over-stimulation as Dave starts to jerk him off.

Suddenly Dave wraps his arms around John and turns him over so he's on top. John whines when Dave slips out, only to let out a long low moan when he thrusts into him and he shrieks, seeing stars. Dave realizes what happened and makes it a point to hit the same spot with every thrust, still jerking him off. John arches his back, pushing his hips into Dave's. He wraps his legs around Dave, increasing the contact between the two of them. Dave starts rambling above him as he thrusts faster and faster. “So good.... Feel so good John. Shit- fuck- John, John, John, John.” And John starts chanting his name like his own personal mantra, feeling himself coming over the edge. “Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave Dave DA~VE!” that last one turns into a moan as he comes, covering his chest. John's muscles clench, riding out his orgasm, and in another few thrusts Dave is gone too, screaming John's name as he comes inside of him.

Dave collapses on top of him, pulling out with a disgusting slurping noise, and it sends another surge of arousal through John. When Dave refuses John's continued advances, he gets up and starts clumsily getting dressed, Dave cleaning him off with conveniently placed towels. John grabs his hand and drag him back over to the bar and he pulls on Dave's arm until they're seated in front of the bartender. “John what the hell are you doing you're already really fucking drunk-”

“I'd like another one of whatever the hell I had!” John's voice is loud and Dave cringes, covering his ears. John quickly drinks that one and start towards the door. Dave follows after him, grabbing his hand to make sure he doesn't lose him. John eventually reach his car and gets in. Before they know it, they're in the driveway of their house and John stumbles through the door with Dave, panting.

“WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU- John? What the hell is wrong with you?” Karkat comes around the corner, staring at him incredulously. John whines and stumbles into his arms.

“Katkart. Karkat. Help me. I'm so hot.” John remembers something and leans up and whisper in Karkat's ear. “I got lai~d.” Before promptly passing out.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John wakes up in the early morning to arguing and a splitting headache. He groggily gets up and opens his door to see Karkat and Dave arguing in the living room.

“YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF _MY_ MATESPRIT!”

“He was drunk! I couldn't get him off of me!”

“MORE LIKE YOU _DIDN'T_ WANT TO GET HIM OFF OF YOU, YOU FUCKING PRICK! AND OBVIOUSLY THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM!”

John stumbles into the room, his head pounding with all of the noise and how messed up he was. “What are you guys talking about...?” The room becomes deathly silent as they both turn to look at him, and he becomes uncomfortable. Dave is the first to speak. “John.... How much of last night do you remember?” John tries to think back to last night, but it just makes his head pound more. “I-I don't know.... I remember going to the bar.... And getting some weird drink.... And then that room.... What was with that room.....” His head starts pounding, and he feels like someone's trying to crack his skull open. “I can't remember..... My head is killing me.”

Karkat starts to walk toward the kitchen. “I'll get you some headache medicine, go sit down,” he mumbles. John does as he's told and Karkat comes back with a glass and some pills, which John gladly takes, leaning back on the couch. Karkat sits next to him, wrapping an arm around his waist, and Dave sits on the other couch. After a minute of absolute silence, Karkat tightens his grip on John as he asks, “John.... Did you and Dave have sex?” John bolts up, and his head spins. “What?! I-......” Memories flash through his head, and he falls back on the couch, holding his head in his hands. “Oh my god....... Karkat..... I..... I am so sorry....” John can feel his chest caving in as Karkat gets up and silently walks over to the door, grabbing his keys.

“W-Wait!..... Where are you going?”

“I need to clear my head.... I'm going for a drive.” The door shuts, and John's eyes begin to water. Dave sits next to him, making sure there's enough distance between them. John's shoulders begin to shake as he sobs silently. Dave sits beside him awkwardly, not sure whether to comfort John or leave him alone; he finally settles for “I'm sorry John....” John looks up at him with teary eyes and start wailing. “I can't believe I fucked up so bad! I'm the worst fucking living thing in existence! I should just die!” Dave's arms are around him in an instant, holding John to him, petting his hair. “Shhhhh. It'll be okay..... Karkat loves you, and... and you love him, right? It'll be okay.... Just give him some space. I'm so, so sorry. I should have stopped you.” John struggles to breathe as he sobs into his best friend's shoulders. He can't believe he would just cheat on Karkat like that! _I'm so stupid.... How can he love someone like me?_ Without realizing it, he begins to hyperventilate. 

“John? John breathe.... Shit John just breathe you're fine. Come on man breathe!” His vision goes black and he falls into the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: in case it was unclear, John's drink was spiked with some drug  
> i'd say he was rufied, but im p sure that knocks you tf out


	16. John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is falling apart without Karkat, and Karkat is trying to come to terms with what happened while still worrying about the man who hurt him.

John wakes up on the couch, Dave's shadesless face hovering over him, concern in his features. When he sits up, a wave of vertigo overtakes him, and Dave asks if he's okay. “Where's Karkat?” Dave turns away from him, refusing to lookDave in the eyes. “He... hasn't come back yet, John.” John sits up, his head spinning. “How long has it been? Has he been gone long? Do you know where he went? We have to-” Dave puts a hand on John's chest and gently pushes him back into the couch.

“You need to calm down John. Just breathe. It's been a few hours, I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow. Now just get some rest, you look like you're about to pass out again.” John nods, resting his head against the arm of the couch. This was all his fault, he thought, he got drunk and had sex with his best friend.... Wait... Did that mean... “Dave?” Dave looks down at John with an eyebrow raised. He can feel his stomach turn with what he's about to ask. “Was.... What we did last night..... Consensual?” Dave blinks at him with a shocked look on his face, and it registers in John's head that he's not wearing his shades. Dave's face grows red and he leans back on his haunches, supporting himself on his hands.

“Shit man...... Hell of a question....” John swallows, dread washing over him. Dave sighs.

“Yes. It was consensual. I just... Wish I had been smarter about the whole thing so none of this would have happened.”

John sighs in relief; it doesn't fix the problem at hand, but it's a little stress off of his back. Still, it's undeniable that they did... do it. John feels so bad about Karkat, how could he have done that to him? “I need to call Karkat.” John sits up, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. Dave puts a hand to John's chest, the other one going for his phone. “I don't think that's such a good idea right now John....” John's face grows warm and tears fill his eyes. “What if I lose him Dave?”  John  practically shouts. John's seconds away from having a breakdown; in fact, he might already be having one. “What if I lose Karkat? I can't- I don't know what I'd do-” John chokes back a sob, burying his hands in his hair. “I need him, Dave. I need him. I can't lose him.” Dave sits up, moving his hand to John's back. “I know man, I know...... Alright, you can try to call him, but only for a little while, and then you need to rest. Can't have you walking around like the undead or some shit.”

John presses a button on his phone, holding it up to his ear. It rings once, twice, three times. He hears the click that means he was answered. “Karkat! I-”

“I don't want to talk to you right now John.”

“But- Please, Karkat. I'm so sorry! I know I fucked up-”

“I have to go John, I..... Might be home soon. Goodbye.”

The line goes dead and John feels a tear roll down his cheek. He sits back down, not aware when he had gotten up during the call. Dave walks back into the room and John turns to him, eyes watering and lip trembling. He feels like a kid again, walking through the front door after falling off his pogo ride and calling for his dad. Dave wordlessly walks over to him and sits down, pulling John into his lap. He immediately buries his face in Dave's neck and takes his shirt in his hands, shaking with silent sobs.

“H-He doesn't w-want me, D-D-Dave. H-He said goodb-bye! I l-lost him, Dave!” Now John's wailing, loud, heartbroken cries filling the house. Dave just rocks him, rubbing his back as he gets his shirt soaked with John's tears, shooshing him. After John's calmed down and he's just sniffling occasionally, he pulls out of the hug, holding Dave at arm's length. John's face is red and tear-stained, and Dave kisses John's cheeks. He closes his eyes and sighs. John opens his eyes to see Dave give him a sympathetic look and he tears up again. “What am I going to do now.” It's not a question, but an omission. John's voice sounds hollow and flat. Dave looks down at John's hands clenched into fists. He's still sitting in Dave's lap, but he don't intend to move anytime soon. “I don't know..... I'm sorry.” John laughs bitterly, wiping at his eyes. “Why are _you_ sorry, I'm the asshole who cheated on his matesprit. I'm the one who got drunk and didn't listen to my friend when he told me it was wrong. I'm the one who should be sorry.” Dave sighs, running a hand through his hair.

“Tell ya what, why don't we go out. You need to get out of the house and get your mind off of all this shit.” John nods slowly, sighing as well. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let's go.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Going out turned out to be McDonald's. The greasy fries and Dave's lame jokes had him smiling and laughing in minutes. Of course, it was only a temporary remedy for his mood, and he was just as depressed as before by the time they got back in the car. “Oh come on man, it's not that bad.... Let's go to that bakery around the corner from work, huh? You always loved it there.” John deftly nods his head, wanting desperately for this pain in his chest to go away. It didn't.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

After Karkat had left the house, he drove straight to Gamzee's. By the time he got to the door, Karkat was just about crying his eyes out, and it took Gamzee an hour of feelings jams and watching 50 First Dates for him to coax out what happened from Karkat. After he told him about John and Dave, Gamzee held him tight, his face pushed into his skinny chest.

“I'm gonna motherfucking kill that motherfucker.” Karkat looked up at him, his face contorted in a snarl and his eyes turning red. He immediately wrapped his arms around him, though Karkat knew if he really wanted to, he'd have no problem getting out of his grip. “Gamz, please. You don't need to do that. I'll.... I'll be fine, okay? Please calm down.” He looks down at the smaller troll, the tension in his shoulders ebbing slightly, but still seething. “HOW CAN I BE MOTHERFUCKING CALM? See what he did to you? HE FUCKING BROKE YOUR HEART! I'm going to motherfucking kill him when I see him. I'LL KILL HIM!” Karkat hadn't realized he was shaking; this was becoming reminiscent of when he became sober on the meteor.

“Gamzee-” Karkat's phone rings. When he pulls it out of his pocket and sees who it is, he freezes. Gamzee looks at him wearily with half lidded eyes, and Karkat lets it ring a few times before pressing 'answer'.

“Karkat! I-”

His voice makes the troll shiver. “I don't want to talk to you right now John.”

“But- Please, Karkat. I'm so sorry! I know I fucked up-”

His chest aches and he feels like he's being crushed. “I have to go John, I..... Might be home soon. Goodbye.”

Gamzee growls beside him, all of his rage coming back. Karkat sighs and hugs him, petting his wild hair. “It's okay Gamzee, you don't need to hurt anyone. I'm.... Done talking with him. Okay?” The front door opens and Karkat sits up to see who it is. Tavros walks in shyly, having registered that there was someone else in the apartment. Karkat waves to him wordlessly and he sits on the other side of Gamzee, smiling at him as he takes Gamzee's hand. “..Gamzee? Are you, uh, okay? Did something bad happen?” Gamzee looks down at Tavros and all of the tension immediately leaves his body.

“Oh, hey Tavbro. How're you? I was just talking to Karkat; he got all up and sad with Johnbro.” Tavros looks at him sympathetically. “Are you, uh, okay Karkat? You can, uh, stay over for as long as you, uh, want... If you need to.” Karkat nods, looking at his hands in his lap. “Thanks guys.... I'd like to stay, if that's okay.” He looks at Gamzee, who beams down at him, pulling him and Tavros both into a hug. “Of motherfucking course it's okay! Stay as long as you be getting to feel is right, bro.” Karkat nods, getting up and heading to the back of the apartment, already knowing where the guest bed is. “Thanks guys. I'm going to bed. It's been.... A long day.” They both say goodnight to him and before he knows it, he's under the covers of the guest bed and his eyes are growing heavy with sleep.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John looks like shit when he wakes up the next morning. He walks into the living room like he's walking on eggshells; like he's afraid something might attack him; or not. When he sees it's just Dave sitting on the couch, he deflates, and Dave can barely register the relief under the despair. Before he can say anything, John's wondering into the kitchen. Great, just great. He better not make another one of his fucking Despair Cakes. Don't get it wrong, he thinks his best bro's the best baker alive, but he can't stand another morning of tear-hinted-cakes. When he finally gets up and stands in the doorway to the kitchen, John isn't facing him. He walks around to face him and almost starts when he sees tears in John's eyes. He raises his head to look at Dave and smiles, as if he can pretend the other hadn't caught him on the verge of crying. Again.

“Good morning, Dave!”

“Hey... Egbert.” Dave isn't sure if it'd be smart to address his.... Tears; he decides against it. “You ready for work? We have to go in early today.” John looks at him with mild surprise before his hands go up to his face, and Dave has to rush to catch the bowl he was just holding. “Oh yeah, I forgot! Yeah, lemme just make us breakfast and we can eat it in the car, okay?” Dave nods at him and heads back into the living room. He used to be glad he wasn't an emotions kind of guy; now he wishes more than anything he was, so he would know what to say to his best bro.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Karkat walks into the cafe and automatically hates himself for making this decision; John works here. They're fighting.... Right? No, that's wrong. He would never get in a serious fight with John. He just...... Did something that made him angry.... Sad? Annoyed? No wait, he got it.

It made Karkat depressed.

He walks up to the counter, his blood roaring in his ears. It looks like John is working in the kitchen today. Dave gives him a half nod in acknowledgment as he puts his hands on the counter, completely disregarding the line of – now complaining – customers. “Strider.” Karkat tries to take a page from his book; look stoic. “Yo Karkles, whatcha need? I'd hate to imagine your hyper ass on coffee and sugary shit from John, so no coffee or pastries or pretty much anything worth money here okay.” At the mention of his name, Karkat bristles. He's not sure what he's going to say to him yet, if he says anything. He kind of just hoped he wouldn't come out of the kitchen. “Shut the fuck up Strider. I actually came to talk to you. Take a fucking break and sit the fuck down.” Karkat walks over to a booth without looking to see if Dave's following him; he's trying not to let his nervousness show, but he can already feel his hands shaking and his face heat up.

Karkat sits down and is slightly surprised to see Dave sit across from him shortly after. He looks over back at the counter and notices Feferi taking orders. That explains a lot; he's lucky she came into work today. Dave smirks at him, and Karkat can tell he knows. Deep breath. He needs to sort shit out with –

“So are you going to take John back or can I have him?”

What.

“What?”

Dave smiles. “Are you done with him? Satisfied yourself? Cause if you are I'd like to have him.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

 

 

 

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Your name is John Egbert and you're still trying to reach your matesprit. He hasn't been home in a while. You don't think you deserve to call him your matesprit, he deserves better than you.

A young man sits in his room, in the dark. He is trying to reach his matesprit Karkat, who had left their home after some upsetting news. He doesn't think he deserves to be Karkat's matesprit anymore, and that Karkat deserves better than him. This young man's name is John Egbert.

**To: Karkat <3**

Karkat

**To: Karkat <3**

Karkat please

**To: Karkat <3**

im sorry

**To: Karkat <3**

im so fuickinf

**To: Karkat <3**

pleade answer

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

**To: Karkat <3**

Katkat

**To: Karkat <3**

*Karkat

**To: Karkat <3**

pleasr

**To: Karkat <3**

I needs you

**To: Karkat <3**

hoiw do I loive withoit you

**To: Karkat <3**

I cannt I breather withoyt you

**To: Karkat <3**

plewase

**To: Karkat <3**

im sdo fuckinh sotry

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

His name is John Egbert and he stopped counting the days.

Karkat hasn't come back.

Jade comes over when Dave goes to work nights.

Everyone knows better than to leave him alone.

He begins seeing things when he sits in his room at night. The sane part of his brain tells him it's because he's sleep-deprived, but he can't sleep, not when Karkat could be in the city somewhere, moving on. John's so tired.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

His name is Dave Strider and he really wishes Karkat would just come back.

John looks like the fucking walking dead. Feferi's resorted to containing him in the back to cook all day because he depressed the customers. It's almost like all he can ever do is bake anymore. The house smells like stale cake.

He really wishes Karkat would just come back.

God he fucking hates him....

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

His name is Karkat Vantas and he just wants to go home. The problem is, he doesn't know what he would say to John if or when he did return. He's stopped leaving messages in Karkat's voicemail; he's even stopped texting him. Occasionally he'll walk by Alternia's Cove and look in the window, but Karkat never sees him; only Dave. He hopes he didn't quit. He hopes he isn't cutting because of the troll. He hopes he hasn't killed himself. No, that's ridiculous. No matter how mad Karkat is at him and Dave, someone would tell him if John had..... Passed on, right? The thought makes his heart sag. He quickens his pace.

It's been a week since he stopped checking in on them. Gamzee thinks he should talk to John. So does Kanaya. So does Tavros. And Feferi, and Dirk, and Jake, and even fucking Vriska.

He knows he fucked up.

He's standing at the threshold of his house. It's been so long, it doesn't feel like he lives there anymore. He still has the keys; he's playing with them right now while his mind fights to convince him to not fuck off and die in a pile of his own fecal matter. He finally decides to just try the door already and is shocked when it swings open in his face. He's about to scream at the fuckass on the other end for nearly knocking him on his ass, but his mind blanks when he sees who it is.

John.


	17. Make Up Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and John make up, and Dave starts to harbor some feelings of his own toward the troll.

“John?”

His name is John Egbert and all he can think is _holy shit, Karkat's home._

Karkat's home.

He hunches his shoulders and puts his hands in his pockets, sagging further into the couch. Dave is rapping in his room and John hopes he'll stay there. "Hey Karkat... It's been a while, huh?" John didn't want this, this isn't right; it shouldn't be this... Awkward. They're matesprits, not strangers, and yet... "Can uhm... Can we talk?" Karkat is starting to look as uncomfortable as John feels. "I thought we were talking." Karkat scoffs, "Asshole," and John smiles. It's only a flash of teeth before the smile canishes and he's frowning into the couch arm. 

“Look, I'm sorry. I love you, and I don't want to lose you. What you did really hurt, but I guess..... I forgive you.” John blinks, taken aback by what Karkat said. He forgives him? John launches himself at the troll, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him hard. Karkat responds instantly, threading his fingers through his hair and kissing back. His hands move to John's shoulders and push at him gently, and he immediately backs away. His hand moves to John's face, and he flinches. Karkat's hand comes back with tears on it, and he's frowning at John. “Please don't cry, John.” John looks down at his hands, watching as tears land on his palms. “I'm sorry Karkat....” He doesn't look up when Karkat responds, “I know,” and before he knows it he's rambling.

“I'm the worst matesprit ever. I fucked up so bad and I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you at all and if you hate me I totally understand just please don't leave again. It's okay If we're just friends! I just don't want to lose you, please don't leave. Please please please please please don't leave me.” By the end of his rant he's shaking with sobs, and Karkat moves forward to hug him. He kisses John's forehead, moving down to kiss both of his cheeks, and when he's calmed down, he kisses the tears out of John's eyes. John angles his face up to meet Karkat's lips, and the kiss is tender; loving. One of John's hands moves to his ass and he pulls him closer, moaning lightly into his mouth. Karkat's tongue slips past John's lips and explores his mouth, and he meets it with his own. His clawed hand slides up under John's shirt, making him shiver. He finds one of the boy's nipples and tweaks it, making him moan loudly into the kiss.

He slowly lays John down on the couch, never breaking the kiss, and John moves his hands to cup Karkat's face. His hands slide down Karkat's back and grip his hips, and Karkat moves his head to suck at John's neck. John fists his hands at his sides, trying to keep quiet while the troll travels down his chest. “K-Karkat..... D-Dave will he-ear us-!” Karkat looks up from his hip, where there's now a red mark. “Good. Now take off your fucking clothes.” John blushes, his whole face red, and does as he says. As soon as his shirt comes off, Karkat's biting his collar bone and he has to fight down the noise in his chest. Karkat wraps his mouth around a nipple and John can't take it, he's moaning his name and he's so embarrassed. Karkat smiles up at him possessively and a shiver runs through John. “I thought I told you to take off _all_ of your clothes.” He tugs at John's shorts, “Don't tell me I'm going to have to punish you already.” John swallows. Fuck he is so turned on right now. “H-how about you take them off for me?” Karkat's smile grows and in seconds John's shorts are down at his ankles, and he kicks them off.

In an instant Karkat's down at his crotch, mouthing at his dick through his boxers, and he's whining, threading his fingers through Karkat's hair and tugging at his head with the rhythm of his ministrations. John tugs at Karkat's shirt and he obliges, getting off of the human to strip down to his boxers, which John notices now have a red splotch soaking through. Dammit, he's going to have to bleach those, isn't he. Karkat kisses John roughly and his eyes slide shut. John grinds up on him as he starts to take off his boxers and he feels more than hears him let out a growl. As soon as John's boxers are gone his hands go for Karkat's, and in what seems like a second they're both naked, grinding down on each other. His appendage wraps itself around John's dick and squeezes, causing him to throw his head back and gasp. Karkat takes the chance to latch his mouth onto John's neck, biting and sucking rhythmically as he continues to stroke him.

John lets out a light moan when he feels Karkat's bulge slide back to ghost over his entrance. He can feel it enter him and his toes curl, mouth open in a silent moan as he's being filled. It curls and presses inside of him and his head starts to feel fuzzy. John rocks into the appendage, causing both of them to moan. Karkat's hands explore his body as he gets used to the feeling of having something inside of him. He kisses both of John's cheeks, his eyes, and his mouth, muttering barely coherent strings of “so perfect”s and “mine”s.  John shuts his eyes, enjoying Karkat's presence. His bulge starts moving and John keens. Karkat smiles down at him and captures his mouth in another kiss, absorbing all of his moans as he hits John's prostate again and again. Karkat starts massaging his balls, and John loses it. John comes on his chest, throwing his head back as he rides out his orgasm.

Karkat continues to move in him, and he somehow manages to roll over so John's on top of him. Just as he's about to say something, John slams down on him and he moans, hitting his release. Karkat slumps down into the couch and John gets off him, laying down beside him. The two of them kiss, running their hands along each other's bodies, re-learning every curve, every scar. John rolls on top of him and rests an elbow beside his head, kissing him deeper. Karkat leans up into John and he grinds down on him. He breaks the kiss, panting. “G-god dammit Egbert. We- we just finished!” John laughs and twists his fingers around Karkat's bulge, making him shiver.

“Well I don't know troll biology that well, but I think you're ready to go again!” Karkat growls at him, and it turns into a purr when John slides a finger against his nook. “F-fuck you.” John smiles at him, nipping at his collar bone. “Well actually, Karkat, it's going to be the other way around this time.” Karkat's eyes widen a fraction and he bites down on the troll's neck. Anything he might've said disappears as he keens, grinding up into the boy. John lets his finger sink into his nook down to the first knuckle and stay there, causing him to growl. “Just hurry up and do it, fuckass. I have shit to do!” John smiles, shoving the rest of his finger in and adding another two all at once. Karkat tenses up, his toes curling and his hands fisting at his sides. “You know Karkat, if I go too fast, it's gonna hurt~.” He growls at John, who begins to move his fingers, effectively shutting Karkat up.

“J-John.... F-Faster.” John obliges, moving faster, scissoring his nook. When he thinks Karkat's ready, he takes his fingers out of him, causing him to whine. “Geez Karkat, so needy!” he laughs. John lines himself up with his nook, stroking himself to hardness and slowly entering him. Karkat lets out a string of curse words as he tries not to rip John's back open, his claws digging into the skin painfully. “Karkat, that hurts!” He mumbles an apology, and John notices his eyes are squeezed shut. “Should I pull out? Does it hurt too much?” Karkat cracks an eye open and glares at him, panting lightly. The effect is lost on him, since his face is so red, but John gets the message. He goes in deeper, trying not to make it too uncomfortable but not really sure how to do so. Once he gets down to the hilt, John gives him a minute to adjust. Karkat nods at him and he pulls most of the way out, slamming back in and groaning. Karkat arches his back and lets out a shrill noise. John smiles and begins to move inside of him.

Karkat's bulge moves around on his chest, seeking friction. In a haze of lust John gently takes it in his hand and strokes it. Karkat is squinting up at him, panting heavily, and the sight makes him moan. John vaguely hears something crash behind him in another room and ignores it, leaning down to kiss Karkat. In between kisses he mutters “I love you”s and “sorry”s. John begins to feel tears in his eyes and he buries his face in Karkat's neck, nipping and sucking softly. Karkat tenses up, his bulge tightening around John's fingers, and comes on both of their chests. John moves faster, and within a few thrusts he's joining him in orgasm. John pulls out of him slowly and sinks down next to him, their breaths in sync.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

His name is Karkat Vantas and fuck he feels amazing. He tries to catch his breath as he comes down from his orgasm and looks over at John. He's hiding his face and his breathing looks off, and Karkat feels the hair on the back of his neck stand. What did he do wrong now? He thought John wanted this! Karkat thought he still loved him.... Karkat put a hand on his shoulder and he turns his face to reveal what he already knew. John was crying. Before the troll can say anything, John's arms are around his neck and he's muttering apologies between the sobs. Karkat hugs him back and sits up, remembering rather awkwardly that he just had sex on a leather couch. Karkat rubs his back and shooshes him, and soon he's just sniffling with his head hidden in Karkat's neck. With a little nudge from Karkat he sits up straight and looks at the troll with the biggest smile he's ever seen. The look on his face must give away his confusion, because John laughs and hugs him again, saying, “I'm so glad you don't hate me!”

Karkat blinks. _Hate_ him? He thought Karkat hated him? Fuck, he's such a shitty matesprit. John squeezes him and he's pulled out of his thoughts by John's laughter. Karkat can't help but smile and hug back, not that he sees him smile. “I love you so much you fuckass.”

“I love you too Karkat!”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

His name is Dave Strider and He's trying to ignore the noises coming from the living room. If he had to guess, he'd say Karkat came over. He put his headphones on and started mixing; he had a job this weekend and he hasn't even started his playlist. He turns his volume up a few times until he's sure he'll go deaf, and he nods. Scratch, reverse, skip, scratch, repeat, reverse. Dave loses himself in the music, letting the flow take him away.

Suddenly he hears a loud moan and he jumps. Fuck. Dave hates Karkat Vantas so fucking much.


	18. Ace of Spades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The feelings Dave has been cultivating flood over, and he and Karkat enter a black relationship.

His name is Karkat Vantas, and he didn't know how it got to this. If he looks back on it, it might make sense, but at the moment, he can't think straight. 

He is currently in the middle of some heated spades make-outs Dave Strider.

– 20 minutes ago –

Vriska's in court today for sending some poor asshole to the ICU, so Karkat has the day off, and he'd fully intend to enjoy it the best way he knew how; reading a romance novel. When he picked it up off the shelf yesterday, it actually looked interesting, but it's obvious to him now that the author has no sense of originality. They employed the most basic plot sequences, took no risks in trying anything of their own thought processes, and the whole fucking thing was written like they took a Romance-Novels-For-Fuckasses outline and just shoved word vomit in between each plot point. In short; it's fucking horrible. The door slammed behind Karkat and he jumped. He turned his head just in time to see none other than Dave Fucking Strider doing his best impression of....Karkat. The troll didn't think he'd ever heard him swear this much.

“The fuck is your problem, asswhiff?” Dave's head whips around and Karkat swears, if looks could kill, he'd be 6 feet under.

“Not today you little shit; I'm not in the fucking mood.” This only got Dave a raised brow, and Karkat surged on.

“Why.” It's not a question, and that seemed to irritate him more. He turned to Karkat fully, and he took in the way Dave's shoulders were hunched and his hands were fisted at his sides.

“Oh, nothing. Just that this short ass dwarf alien midget is fucking my best friend. And if you were me you wouldn't be wanting to hear that shit either! And then having to go to work and act like you don't know what your best bro looks like when he moans, because he's moaning for someone else?! Fuck you!” A part of Karkat's mind told him to leave the human alone; for once he actually listened, returning to his book with a shrug. Dave stomped over to Karkat, knocking the book out of his hands and growling in his face. Karkat shot off the couch, making him take a step back. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“You don't get to fucking annoy me and decide I'm not worth your time you fucker!”

“Someone still has a narcissist complex. I have better shit to do than listen to a wriggler complain about their day; fuck off. I'm not interested; I have a _matesprit._ ”

Karkat swore he could see Dave's eyes glowing behind his shades, and needless to say he was a little put off. Either he didn't notice or he didn't care, because the next thing Karkat knew, he's on the ground and Dave'd punched him in the gut. As Karkat tried to get his breath back, he pulled his fist back as if to strike again. Karkat grabbed his wrist just as he brought it down and got his feet under him, throwing Dave across the room with a loud crash. Karkat jumped up and ran over to him, grabbing his shirt by the collar and staring him down. Karkat knew he was growling, but he couldn't hear anything past the blood roaring in his ears. Karkat could feel Dave trembling under his grip and something inside of him stirred. Without thinking, he plunged forward and kissed Dave hard. Karkat felt Dave pushing against him and he pinned his wrists. Dave bit Karkat's tongue and the troll groaned, licking his bottom lip. His lips parted and Karkat's tongue slipped in. Dave tugged on the back of his head, a fist full of hair; Karkat pulled back panting.

“What the fuck Karkat?!” Dave was blushing, his breaths uneven and his sunglasses out of place on his face.

“I fucking hate you Strider.” Karkat growled.

“You ain't exactly a fluffy bunny either _Karkitty_.” Dave sneered.

Karkat jumped at him, tackling him to the ground and shredding Dave's shirt with his claws. Dave yelped, blood trickling from his chest, which Karkat licked up. Karkat's eyes flashed red and the troll kissed him roughly. Dave vaults his weight, pushing him over and straddling Karkat's hips, grinding down on him. Dave's hands wove through Karkat's hair and tugged sharply, making the troll cry out as heat shot down his spine. Karkat's claws dug into Dave's shoulder and he used his other hand to subdue both of Karkat's.

 

And now they're here, Dave in Karkat's lap sucking on his neck as he moans into the air around him, his face growing redder by the minute. Karkat tries to regain his senses and pushes at Dave's arms, which were keeping his shoulders pinned to the couch. “St-Strider.... We need to... Need to move this to my respite block, i-if you plan on continuing...” Karkat feels the ground under him disappear and he scrabbles for purchase against Dave's back as he carries Karkat to his room. “Hey asshole! I can walk!” All Karkat gets in return is a snicker as he's set down on his bed none too carefully. Just like that, Dave is back on him, kissing and nipping and sucking on Karkat's neck, drawing noises from him that he'd swear later he never made.

Dave laughs, “What is it Karkat, am I too much for you?”

Karkat growls. “Fuck no asshole.”

Dave mutters something Karkat doesn't quite catch and slides his hand under the trolls shirt, nails raking over his chest. Karkat purrs, arching into his touch. Dave's other hand goes to Karkat's pants and undoes them expertly, tugging them down to his ankles. He takes a moment to take in Karkat's appearance before laughing. “What's so funny asshole?” Dave points at his boxers, “Such cute little crabs~.”

“Fuck you.”

“Hate you too Karkat.”

Karkat blushes and Dave moves to kiss him. Karkat scratches his arm, drawing blood, and Dave swears. Karkat's laugh is cut short when Dave socks him in the jaw, and he groans. Dave tugs Karkat's shirt off, leaving him in his boxers, and strips himself. Karkat's hands immediately go to his nipples, snickering when Dave moans loudly.

“N-not fair nubs.”

“Says you, I'm enjoying this.”

Karkat rolls over, pressing his body into Dave's, causing him to hiss in discomfort as he presses uncomfortably into the boy's raging boner. The pads of Karkat's thumbs roll over Dave's nipples, and he drags his teeth down Dave's chest, just barely drawing blood. Dave moans and Karkat quirks an eyebrow. Karkat bites down just below his rib cage and sucks, and when the troll moves away, there's an angry red spot he just knows is going to bruise later. Electricity shocks his scalp and he gasps, his vision going white. Dave laughs and Karkat realizes he's gripping onto his horns. Fuck. Karkat practically collapses on top of him, his limbs jello. Dave throws him on the floor, foot pressing into his back.

“Th-that's not fucking fair you shit.”

“Who said this was fair?”

“I hate you so fucking much!” Karkat tries to push himself up, gaining his strength back, and Dave falls over. Karkat lunges at him, wrapping his hands around Dave's throat and taking him with a bruising kiss. Dave's fists fly at him, catching him in the jaw, causing Karkat's head to snap back painfully. Karkat removes one hand from around Dave's neck and punches him straight in the eye, cracking his shades. Dave yells and sits up, throwing him back. Karkat's back smacks into the footboard and he groans, slumping forward. Dave is at him in seconds, grinding on him and biting down on his ear. Karkat opens his mouth to cry out, but before any noise can escape his throat, Dave's kissing him, his tongue down the troll's throat. Dave's knee slips between Karkat's legs, rubbing on his genitals, and Karkat keens lowly.

“You have some freaky deaky shit going on down there Vantas.”

Karkat grinds up on Dave, making him shiver, and he tugs the boy's boxers down to his knees. Karkat groans, dragging his hands down Dave's sides and nipping his lips. Dave dips his head down, sucking on Karkat's collar bone. Karkat's claws dig into Dave's ribs and he bites down on Karkat's shoulder, causing them both to moan. Dave gets off of Karkat to pull off his remaining clothing and Karkat trips him up, making Dave fall into his tower of romcoms. He hisses and tries to get up, but Karkat straddles him, putting all of his weight on Dave's torso. Karkat pulls his head toward him by his hair, taking Dave's bottom lip between his teeth and tugging, tasting blood. Dave punches him in the side and he falls back, hitting the ground with an 'oof'. Dave pushes him down as he sits up, his other hand moving to pull down Karkat's boxers. Karkat gnashes his teeth and Dave slaps his hip, making him yelp. Karkat swipes his claws across his face, knocking off the crushed remains of his glasses and cutting him just below the eye.

“Fuck! You-”

Karkat grinds into him, effectively shutting him up, and moans. Dave finally manages to get Karkat's boxers down to his knees, and his hand wraps around troll's bulge, making him moan louder.

“It's even more disgusting up close..... Just like you.”

“Fuck you!”

“That's what I'm trying to do, fucktard.”

The hand that isn't busy playing with Karkat's genitals comes up to rub his horns, making him go limp. Karkat growls up at Dave, who snickers, shifting to line up with his nook. Dave wastes no time going slow, like John had, and Karkat can feel his pulse through his fingers with how tight he's fisting them. When Karkat moves one hand up to grip his shoulder, Dave takes it as an OK and starts moving in deep, quick thrusts. Dave hits Katkat's g-spot and he practically screams, his nails digging into Dave's shoulder painfully. Dave makes a point of hitting the same spot with each thrust, and Karkat's going crazy. On one particularly sharp thrust, Karkat's nook tightens and Dave moans, and the troll does it again. “F-fucking ass... Stop that.” So Karkat does it again. Karkat's hand slides down Dave's body, resting on his thigh, and Karkat cuts him deep. When Karkat's hand leaves Dave's body, Karkat feels him stiffen, and warmth fills his nook. Within seconds Karkat's coming as well, covering his chest in red.

Dave pulls out slowly, no doubt in pain now that his mind has cleared, and lays down next to the troll. Karkat's head falls to the floor with a thunk and he closes his  eyes, trying to steady his breathing. Karkat looks over at Dave, who has a dazed smirk on his face.

“The fuck are you smiling about you dick-chaffing douchebag?”

“I totally fucked a troll.” Dave laughs, and Karkat blushes. Karkat punches him in the arm and he stops, gripping his shoulder while feigning injury.

“Geez Kark so rude.”

“Yeah? Look at all the fucks I give. None. Zero. Absolutely positively no fucks are being produced by my brain. All for you. You are truly a special creature Strider.”

Dave puts a hand over his heart, batting his eyes. “Aw, thanks Karkat.”

“Just shut up fuckface, and get out of my room.”

“Aw, no aftercare?”

“Fuck no. Out. Now.” Karkat sits up, kicking him in the ribs.

“Ow. Fuck. Geez. I'm leaving, I'm leaving.” He gets up slowly, wincing slightly. Now that Karkat's got a chance to look at him, Dave looks pretty shitty. Bruises litter his body and most of his cuts are still bleeding.

“You look fucking horrible.... Take a fucking shower and shit, I don't want John to freak out when he gets home.”

Dave turns to Karkat with a smile. “Sure thing Karkat, wouldn't want to worry _John.”_ He puts emphasis on the boy's name, making the troll scoff and look away. Karkat hears the door shut behind him and he stares at the wall next to it. John.... How was he going to react?


	19. Recover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John makes it to six months free of self harm, and the relationship between Dave and Karkat continues.

It's been about 2 weeks since Karkat and Dave have started this “Hate-Booty-Call” thing. That's right, they're still going at it. And John doesn't know. Karkat's surprised, to be honest. Though both of them wear long sleeved shirts, Karkat and John don't always keep their clothes on. John never mentions the cuts, bruises, or the scratch marks on Karkat's back once in a while. Karkat thinks he should feel guilty for going behind John's back like this, but it's a normal occurrence for trolls. Maybe he should tell John? Karkat's scared of what he might think though. What he might say. John's been trying so hard to get better. Every day after dinner he crawls into bed with Karkat with the sweetest smile on his face. “100 Karkat!” “130.” “155, I never thought I'd get this far!”

Karkat wants him to get better. Karkat doesn't want to be the cause of John cutting again. And yet, he knows that if he keeps this up, John will find out, and not hearing it from Karkat could be worse. Karkat kind of hates this, he hates Dave, he hates yourself, he hates what he's doing..... But what else is new? Karkat hears a bang and looks at his digital clock. It's 3 in the morning. He turns over in his bed to find Dave glaring down at him from his doorway. Karkat sighs through his nose, sitting up. Dave smells like cheap beer as he ravishes Karkat's neck.

“Remember, not the face. We don't want John to find out.”

That's what sets him off.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“Karkat~! I'm home!” John walks through the door, looking about the house. When he didn't get a response he decided to try Karkat's room. He knocked, but got no response. He was starting to get worried, so he let himself in. He could hear the water running in the adjoined bathroom. “Karkat?” The water shut off and Karkat came out, making John gasp. “Karkat! What happened to you?” Karkat mentally face-palmed. He should've been faster to clean up. He looked at John and saw the worry. He sighed, putting a hand on John's shoulder.

“It's nothing, I just got in a fight on the way home from the store.”

“Oh... Oka-”

Dave walks in, “Hey Karkat, you seen my- oh, hey bro.” Dave had already cleaned up, but it was obvious he had gotten injured. John looked between Karkat and Dave, and his eyes lit up as if making a connection. “Did you two get in another fight?” Karkat closed his eyes, trying to calm his heart. “No, this idiot was the one who dragged me into a fight. His ass was too weak to beat those assholes.” Dave raises an eyebrow at Karkat, who just sends him a look that says 'just go with it or I'll kill you'. John is looking at the ground nodding his head, trying to understand. “Don't worry about it, we're fucking alive, aren't we? What's for dinner?”

John's head shoots up and he smiles at Karkat, “I actually wanted to take you guys out with me! I just got my paycheck and it's been exactly six months, so I wanted to celebrate!” No one needs to ask what he means when he says it's been 6 months. It's been at the front of everyone's mind for 6 months. Some nights were hard, and he almost relapsed once or twice, reduced to sobbing into either Dave's or Karkat's shoulder. They were proud of him. Six months was hard.

Dave nods his head. “Sounds cool. When we leaving?”

“Right now if you guys are ready! But I think.... Karkat's not..?”

“Give me five.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“I really owe you guys, I wouldn't have been able to make it this far without you!” John says as he hugs Karkat. He pales, the guilt eating him alive. He can't tell John, but the longer he waits, the worse off he knows he'll be. “Of course bro, we always got your back. Right Karkat?” Karkat glares at Dave. Smug asshole knows exactly what he's doing. He probably doesn't care at all. With how he acted when Karkat and John were fighting, it wouldn't surprise the troll. Karkat glances down at his and John's interlocking hands. He couldn't fuck up the best thing that had ever happened to him; he couldn't tell John.

“Me and Dave are black.” It's barely above a whisper but John hears it and his head whips up to look at Karkat from the table. Karkat's about to say something else when John laughs, earning a puzzled look from both of the other boys at the table. “That's funny Karkat, but I know you're grey! And Dave is the palest guy I know!” The look on Karkat's face tells John he isn't joking. “What.... do you mean?” There's still a ghost of a smile on John's face, and Karkat clings to it as he takes in a breath to speak.

“We're kismesis. Black. It... started about two weeks ago. You were out and he was just-”

John takes his hand from Karkat's and that shuts him up. He looks even more confused, but there's also something else there. He's hurt. “Two weeks?” Karkat nods his head. “And you're telling me now.” Another nod.

“Well, it's not actually legit. Like I could ever handle a serious relationship with his annoying ass. He's just my Hate-Booty-Call. Nothin' personal bro.” John and Karkat look at Dave with disbelief.

“Dave, oh my gosh! I know you love-hate each other but that's rude!” Karkat stares at John in disbelief. Was he.... supporting this?

“Oh come on Egbert, we only actually fucked like.... three times.”

“See! That's the attitude I'm talking about! You don't talk about your hate boyfriend like that!” Karkat was frowning, looking down at the table. He honestly hadn't expected this. At all. It was weird.

“So... You're okay with it?” John looks back at Karkat and smiles widely.

“Of course! Kanaya explained the black quadrant to me a while ago, and the benefits of filling it. It will actually help us! You can relieve stress and anger with him and vise versa!”

“....Wow. Uh. Okay....” Dave said, dumbfounded. Karkat smiles. This was way better than keeping it a secret. Karkat hugs John and kisses him, making the boy laugh.

“You're so cute Karkat!”

“Shut the fuck up.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“Hey John, where are-” Karkat stops at John's door, his blood running cold. John is sitting on his bed, scissors in hand. “John.... Are you okay?”

John looks up at Karkat and smiles. “Yeah! I was just debating what to do with these...” Karkat sits next to John and takes the scissors, looking over them carefully. They're clean, which is a good sign. Should they be thrown away? Probably. “I was thinking of throwing them away.” Karkat nods.

“I'll go do that for you then.”

“Thanks Karkat. Love you!” They kiss and Karkat goes to throw the scissors away. Looking at them as he walks, a shiver runs down his spine. John used these to cut his body. Karkat feels grateful though; he's trying to get better.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Her name is Kanaya Maryam, and right now she and her girlfriend are celebrating the small victories.

“So Karkitty ended up tellin John about the spades thing between us-”

“Don't call me Karkitty you red meat!”

“And John was cool with it. I was surprised. But hey, as long as he's stopped cutting, right?”

“Indeed. What do you think Rose? Will he be okay?”

“He seems to be getting better, but we might want to keep an eye on him. Everyone has a relapse, no matter the addiction.”

“Addiction?”

“Yes Dave, he's been cutting for quite some time. It was his safe place. His way of dealing with things. It's going to be hard to replace something that worked for so long.”

“Well, what the fuck are we waiting for then? We need to figure out a fucking alternative, right?”

“Yes, me and Rose will look into it. In the mean time, go have fun. Make his days count. Don't give him a reason to cope.”

“Alright. See ya sis, Kanaya.”

“Bye Dave,”

“Farewell Karkat,”

“Yeah yeah.”

Kanaya ends the call and smiles at Rose. Things are finally looking up. She smiles back and takes the troll's hand in hers.

“I'm proud of him, it must be hard to stop.”

“Indeed, but I believe John can make it.”

“You think so Kanaya?”

“With the right support.”

Rose nods at her and they both rise from the couch, heading off to bed.


	20. Starting Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bad experience at work sends John back into bad habits and scares his housemates.

_~November 3 rd ~_

_With The Cold Comes The Sadness_

His name is John Egbert and he really wishes he didn't have to work today. The temperature dropped seemingly out of nowhere over night, and the café is crowded with customers. Dave is working at the front while John stays in the kitchen, lucky for him, but it's only 11:30 and he's exhausted. Feferi went on a trip with Eridan and their dancestors, so John and Dave are practically running the place by themselves, since Gamzee is high as ever and Tav is sick, which means John does the dishes, cleans the tables, and bakes.

Normally he wouldn't mind it, but lately he hasn't been able to sleep straight through the night, and he's wearing thin. John idly scratches his wrist as he glances up at the clock hanging over the oven. 200 days. Karkat gets annoyed when he says it like that; says he should just count months. John feels more accomplished when he counts days though; it's a bigger number. A breeze comes through an open window and John shivers. He moves to close the window and hears Dave calling for him.

“Hey Egbert, get out here.”

“Yeah?” John walks out of the kitchen to see Dave taking his apron off and John shoots him a questioning look.

“Can you cover for me out here? I need to take a leak.” John smiles at him and nod, letting him slip past as he walks up to the register. The last person is just walking away when John hears it.

“I'm just saying babe, I don't want to get my coffee from a psycho.”

“shush Em, he'll hear you!”

“Let's just go.”

The door dings as the couple leaves and John can't help but freak a little. Psycho? Is that what people thought of him? John looks down at his arms and it feels like his scars are glowing; they're so noticeable against how pale he is. John unties his apron and takes it off, turning around to head to the break room, and he runs into Dave. “Dude watch it.” When John doesn't say anything, Dave looks up and sees his expression. “Whoa John what happened, talk to me.” John walks past him into the break room and out the back door; he hears the door close a minute later and he knows Dave followed him out.

“John come on, what happened?” John whirls around, throwing his apron on the ground and balling his hands up. John scowls at his best friend, trying to keep the tears in, and it looks unnatural on his face. John's right in front of Dave, who takes a step back, his hands out in front of him like he's addressing a feral cat. “Jo-”

“She called me a psycho, Dave! She called me a fucking psycho! And not even to my face! She saw me at the counter and fucking LEFT. What the FUCK am I supposed to do with that?! How the FUCK do I respond to that?! I'm trying, is that not good enough? Am I always going to have to work in the kitchen because people don't like the way I look? Well I'm sorry!” John lifts his head, addressing the public, “I'm so SORRY my mind is fucked up and I can't deal with it any other way! I'm sorry it's weird or gross or scary. Maybe you SHOULD be scared! Maybe I am fucking crazy!” John turns back to Dave, who's taken off his shades in favor of looking at him. “What do you think Dave? Are you scared yet? Do I fucking scare you?” By this point, tears are rolling down John's face and his throat is beginning to hurt, but he hardly notices. He fishes around in his pockets for the car keys, and Dave is talking, but John doesn't listen. John starts up the car and drives down the road. He needs to go home.

-\\_( 'v' )_/-

His name is Dave Strider and he's so fucking scared right now. His best friend just had a mental breakdown and took off in their car. He doesn't know where John's going, he doesn't know when John's coming back, Dave doesn't even know if he has money for food or a place to stay. Dave does know John shouldn't be driving with the mental state he's in. He could die! Dave starts to remember the news report about that high school suicide a while back and shakes himself. He needs to focus. He needs to find John.

-\\_( 'v' )_/-

His phone rings in the middle of the library, and he jumps. A Thousand Years echoes through the building and multiple people shoosh him. He forgot he had it on, and he rushes to shut it up. He looks at the caller ID and begins to head outside. This has to be important.

His name is Karkat Vantas and he just got a call that his boyfriend ran off in hysterics.

“Wait, what?! …. Dave-.... Dave I-......Okay, yeah. Yeah, I'll be there in a few minutes..... Do you have any idea where he might've gone?.... Fuck. Okay.... Okay..... Bye.”

Karkat heads back into the library, making a beeline for the front desk.

“Vriska, I have to go. Like right fucking now. John fucking ran off.”

Vriska looks up from her magazine with a grin. “So he finally came to his senses, huh? Good. I always told him you were going to be too much to haaaaaaaandle!” Karkat slams his fist on the desk and she jumps, her mouth shut.

“This is not a fucking game Vriska. I'm leaving. Now.” She looks him over for a minute before her face sets and she nods at him. Karkat takes off to his car, his wheels screeching as he gets back on the road. Karkat needs to pick up Dave and figure out some possibilities. Fuck.

-\\_( 'v' )_/-

Karkat pulls up a few minutes after the call and Dave jumps in the passenger's seat. Karkat looks at him and suddenly he feels a little self-conscious. His hair is a mess from running his hands through it and his shirt is untucked. Dave doesn't matter right now though, John does, and they both need to find him.

-\\_( 'v' )_/-

John pulls into the driveway, his heart and mind still racing from the café. He fumbles with the keys and unlocks his front door, stumbling over the threshold. John practically runs for his room and he swears his heart stops right there when he can't feel his scissors under his pillow. John's head pulses and he remembers he gave them to Karkat to throw away earlier. Shit. John rushes to Dave's room, hoping he can find something sharp enough. John enters Dave's room, and immediately notices his Dead Things collection along the opposite wall. He rushes over to it, his pulse in his ears, and grabs an empty jar. John smashes it on the ground, a few pieces embedding in his hand. He barely pays any attention to it as he picks up the biggest piece and sits on the carpet.

-\\_( 'v' )_/-

Dave gets a bad feeling in the pit of his gut as Karkat presses on the gas, less than 5 minutes from their house. It was the only place he and Karkat could think to look and Dave's praying to whatever may be out there that John hasn't done anything. They reach the house and Dave sees his car parked in the driveway. He doesn't breathe a sigh of relief however; the worst has yet to be disproved. Dave has Karkat stop at the curbside and they both get out, racing to open the door. There's a moment where they're in the front hall and Dave can't think. Where should they check first? John's scissors are gone, so would he have even went to his room? Dave doesn't know what's in Karkat's room, or if any of it could be potentially dangerous. His Dead Things come to mind and they hear glass break.

Karkat pushes past Dave, shouting John's name, and Dave follows him. John broke one of his empty jars and is gripping a piece of it in one hand, the other already bleeding. “Fuck, John!” Dave's knees give and he's kneeling next to John, taking the glass from his hand. “John, shit.” Dave looks at John's face; his eyes are wide and he's still crying. He reaches for another piece of glass and Karkat hugs him from behind, holding him back and restricting his movements. Dave stands up and Karkat brings John into a standing position. He's shaking in Karkat's arms, and Karkat moves John back to his room. Dave looks after them, watching as John lays down and Karkat pulls up his Ghost Busters blanket. Dave doesn't even know how to act; he's frozen. John was doing so well. Did what that girl say really bother him that much? John is still crying when Karkat shuts his bedroom door behind him.

“Damages?”

“Just from breaking the jar. He might need stitches.”

“So he hasn't _actually_ relapsed?”

“.....Fuck. No. This counts. He's hurt, and it was on purpose..... What _happened?”_

Dave sighs, sitting on his bed. “I'm not even totally sure myself. I asked him to cover the front while I took a leak and when I came back he was practically clawing to get out of there. He said some chick called him a psycho, and he was freaking out about it.”

Karkat sits next to him, and they both card their hands through their hair. “Well, whatever this was, we can talk about it later. He needs to sleep.”

“And you checked for any more glass?”

“Yeah.........”

“Alright.....”

Karkat gets up slowly, sharing a pained look back at John's door before soundlessly closing his own.


	21. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finally consents to starting therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't been posting guys, I've been feeling like my writing is shit and all I can think of is shit. Even if this was already written a while back and I'm only fixing it up, I just couldn't find it in me to do anything with it.

Since John's relapse, things have been sluggish. Dave, Rose, and Jade's birthdays came and went, followed by Christmas. Dave got a custom made set of turntables from Dirk, Karkat got a new (thicker, since it's winter) sweater from Kanaya, and John got the bunny from Con Air, since he lost the one(s?) from his universe during the game. John ends up refusing Karkat's invitation to sleep with him and spent the rest of the night quietly crying to himself for reasons he's not quite sure he understands. He must have made more noise than expected, because Dave came in half an hour later and sat next to him, falling back on the mattress. He listened to John talk; John can't recall ever talking that much about himself. He talked about his dad, about all of the Christmases he spent with him. John talked about his depression and why he cut, and how hard it was not to. Dave just laid there, watching John's face go through all of these old emotions.

John told Karkat the next day that he wanted to go to therapy. Karkat's face lit up, he was so proud of the human. When he said that, John felt his stomach drop. He never wanted to hear those words again. Karkat never noticed, he was too busy hugging him. After talking to Rose and Kanaya, it wasn't long until John had an appointment set up for that Friday. Once the date was set and the call ended, it felt as though the house itself sighed in relief. John found out the day before his appointment that his therapist is Aranea. He didn't quite remember who she was, but he thinks she's related to Vriska? Rose and Karkat assured him she is a very nice person, and it helps to assuage his anxiety.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

The waiting room is dull, a mix of pastels that John figures are meant to relax the people waiting to be seen. It feels like an eternity before a cleanly dressed woman with white framed glasses calls his name from a door he hadn't noticed before. John feels his stomach turn and gets up to follow her. They make turn after turn until he's not sure where they are, and she opens the door to what must be her office. It looks the same as the waiting room, muted colours with abstract art lining two of the four walls. John sits in the seat closest to the door and she sits at her desk, which faces the wall to his right. Aranea's legs cross and John can vaguely hear the friction of her stockings. She grabs a little flip notepad and he swallows. She must have seen his reaction; she's quick to raze his anxiety. “Nothing to worry about, John. I'm simply going to ask you some questions and take notes.” John nods mutely and she looks down at her notepad.

“So John, what's your favourite colour?” John's mouth opens then shuts almost immediately. What a weird question. This was therapy, not..... let's-be-friends time. Regardless, John tries to look her in the eyes and answer her question.

“U-Uh... Green...?” John curses internally at how weak his voice sounded. Aranea either didn't notice or didn't care to mention it as she writes something in her notepad.

“Is there a specific kind of green you like?” John shakes his head and she gives a small nod. “I myself favour cerulean out of all blues, since it's my blood colour.” John gives a slight nod, looking down at his feet.

“What are your hobbies?”

“Hobbies?”

“Yes John, hobbies. Like, things you like to do?”

John thinks for a moment before answering. “Well, I like to bake and prank my friends..... And I watch a lot of movies.” Aranea looks up from her notepad, “What kind of movies?” 

John shifts in the chair, “Well, I'll watch anything with Nic Cage or Matthew McConaughey, but if it's a question of genre, I'd say action.”

Aranea finishes writing and re-crosses her legs. “Do you watch these movies with anyone?”

John smiles brightly and sits up more. “Oh, yeah! I watch them with my boyfr- matesprit, Karkat. Sometimes my friend Dave will watch one with me, but he always says I have a bad taste in movies.”

Aranea smiles, “Oh, you and Karkat are matesprits? Good for you two.” John nods, “Yep! He was actually the reason I came today; he told me you're pretty cool and helped me calm down earlier.”

Aranea nods and sets her notepad back on her desk, folding her hands in her lap. “I understand you lost your lusus during the game?” John sighs, closing his eyes. He knew it wouldn't be this easy. “Yeah... It's been hard...”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

John doesn't want to, but he knows he should; he nods, taking a deep breath. “Before the game, when me and my friends still lived in our universe.... It was just me and my dad. We had a lot of great moments, and we were each other's rocks. Then the game started, and my dad kind of.... disappeared. I spent so long looking for him. In reality it was probably – technically – only a day, but it felt so much longer. The imps kept getting in my way, and I felt like they were bothering me on purpose. Well, of course they were, but I felt like it was because they didn't want me to find my dad.

“Eventually I found his car, which Rose had dropped after I entered the veil. I was alone for so long. Sure, my friends and some of the trolls pestered me, but I had nobody beside me. I was alone.

“I finally met up with Rose, but she looked.... sick. She was grey and I couldn't understand a word she said.... We went to go look for our parents. We finally found them, but they...... They were dead. Jack Noir had killed them. Rose and I confronted him, and he killed me. I don't know what happened, but when I woke up, Rose was dead!

“The next part was kind of gross. I had to kiss Rose's corpse. It's still creepy to think about....”

Aranea nods, a sympathetic look on her face. “So is it fair to say that your father's death still bothers you?” John nods and she looks at her desk clock. “Well John, it seems our time is up. Next week we can talk more about this, or you could always call me if you need to.”

John thanks her and lets himself out of the office, surprising himself when he finds his way back to the waiting room.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

When John gets home he finds that Karkat made spaghetti. Both he and Dave are in the middle of an argument when John walks into the dining room, and they quiet when they see him. Dave is the first to speak.

“So how was it?”

John shrugs, tired from his therapy session and having to recall his father's death. He sits next to Karkat, who kisses him. John eats dinner in silence until Karkat suggests a movie, and Dave refuses to watch anything with Nic Cage. Karkat teams up with John when he points out Dave's movie taste is shit. In the end they decide to marathon the Jeff Dunham specials. The house is filled with laughter and by the end of the second movie they're all yawning. John and Karkat go to bed together, sharing lazy kisses and cuddling under the covers of the human bed Karkat bought a few months back. His room has been rearranged, as has John's, so that any potentially sharp and/or dangerous objects were removed. Karkat is asleep within minutes, his soft snores echoing off the walls. John closes his eyes and tries to relax, but his mind refuses to turn off.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Over the next few weeks John and Aranea compile a list of what she calls “Coping Mechanisms”.

So far he has the following:

_reading_

_talking to Karkat_

_baking_

_taking a walk_

_watching a movie_

_drawing_

_talking to Rose or Jade_

He's not entirely sure what will work the best; Aranea says it's different for everyone. So far the things on his list have worked a little bit, but he hasn't had an episode like his relapse yet. Every session feels the same. They talk about things that are still bothering John, he writes down a new coping mechanism, and says goodbye to Aranea with a smile and a wave. Dave always asks how it went and the three boys all sit down to dinner. John still works at Alternia's Cove during the day, and he's actually starting to enjoy it. Feferi came back from her trip with Eridan and the two of them converse daily. John still works in the back, but now it's his choice. He doesn't resent baking anymore; instead he feels like it connects him to his dad, now that he's gone. Aranea says it's important to engage himself in positive activities he used to do with his dad. John's not sure why, but he doesn't mind if it means it makes him happier.


	22. The Book of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave has a hard time expressing himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the chapter title because the album cover for the album this song is in is literally just a giant 69, it's fucking hilarious. Also, this was written before Dave's confiding in Dirk in the comic, so his feelings toward Bro aren't canonical, sorry.

John is seeming more and more like himself every day, it makes Dave so happy; he would never show it though. It's been a while since John's cut, and (not to sound like a doting father) Dave is so proud of him. John's finally stopped forcing his smiles and Dave's glad to see that he can be genuinely happy again. Dave just wishes it was because of him. Dave's glad John has someone that cares for him, and vise versa, but every time he sees them together he can't help feel mad.

And a little depressed.

Not I-want-to-kill-myself or i-hate-myself-and-the-world depressed. Just...... Really sad.

All those times Dave fought with Karkat over their relationship, he always went back to how John's depression was still here and he was a horrible matesprit. Now that he thinks back on it, he's pretty sure he was pushing his own insecurities on Karkat. (He needs to stop talking to his sister damn it.) He's John's best friend, he should be protecting John and making him happy, giving him a shoulder to cry on, supporting him and all that shit, not getting in fights with his boyfriend.

Dave thinks he's the worst piece of shit. It is him.

John and Karkat are out on a date (AGAIN) and he's been left alone in the house. Dave decides to take this opportunity to get some training in and he heads to the backyard. When the three of them had bought the place, Dave had them pave over a part of the backyard so he had a place to strife. It hardly ever gets used, since he doesn't live with his bro anymore. He visits Dirk sometimes, but it's not the same when they both strife. He'll never be Bro, and they've both accepted that. It doesn't change how much Dave misses him though. Dave walks across the very green grass (Karkat made it his duty to be responsible for the up-take of anything plant-based) up to a slightly beat up, bleached shed in one corner of the yard, and pulls a key out of his pocket. He usually doesn't need it, but after learning about John's mental illness, he made sure to lock up his weapons every day. This is where he kept them.

Dave steps into the shed and grabs the nearest sword and a few sparring dummies. It used to take him a few trips to carry the realistic weight of the dummies, (made of solid wood) but during the game he got strong enough to be able to carry them in one trip. Good thing too, he doesn't have the patience to make multiple trips right now. Dave's mind starts to wander back to John and Karkat as he sets the dummies in a spread out circle. He always had a feeling they liked each other, like his mind was trying to warn him that it was a lost cause, but he tried to ignore it in favour of trying to woo John. Obviously, it didn't work. Dave steps into the middle of the circle of dummies. He thinks about the way John smiles at Karkat, his buck teeth sticking out in the most adorably annoying way, and he can't help but get jealous; Dave wished he'd smile at him like that, as though just seeing him made John forget all of his worries. Dave leaps at a dummy, crying out in frustration as the blade slices through the wood too cleanly, giving no satisfaction. Dave kicks off of the standing remains and land behind another dummy, cutting it down the middle. He hears a slight splintering, but it's not enough. Not enough damage. Not enough visible hurt.

Dave drops the piece of shit in the grass and charges at the closest dummy, pulling his fist back. Dave shouts with every punch, thoughts and images of John with Karkat going through his head.

 _Karkat can show emotion around John._ Punch.

 _John tells Karkat more than he tells you._ Punch.

 _Karkat got John to stop cutting._ Punch.

 _John loves Karkat._ Punch punch punch punch punch.

By the time Dave stops to catch his breath, his knuckles are split open and there are shards of wood littering the concrete. The dummy has so much blood from his hands on it that it looks like it's the one bleeding. Dave sits down with a sound somewhere between a sigh and a huff, staring at his bleeding knuckles. Dave leans against the dummy and waits for his heart to slow down before standing up and packing up. He locks the door once everything is back in the shed and heads inside. Dave doesn't bother to clean or bandage his hands as he plops down on the leather couch and turn on the TV. He channel surfs for a while before he finds a show on the history channel about Nazis. Huh. He didn't know the holocaust happened in this universe too. Shit sucks ass. Dave watches the show for a little while until he figures that yes, it was just like their holocaust, except some of the survivors telling their stories are trolls.

Dave gets bored quickly and shuts the TV off with a static click, heading toward his bedroom. If all else failed, he could always use his turntables to vent. Dave shut his door behind him, walking up to his turntables with a strange sort of anticipation. A sigh escapes his mouth as his fingers skirt over the buttons and switches with an almost intimate familiarity. Dave screws around with Cooler Than Me until he can't hear the upbeat tone in it; Dave feels kind of numb now. He doesn't know if he should be happy about that or not. With a shrug, he finally decides to go to the bathroom and clean up his hands. The soap stings, but he doesn't care. He bandages them up and slides his bro's gloves over his hands, making sure they're Velcro-d on firmly before he heads back out to the living room.

Dave sits there in silence for what seems like hours before he hears a car pull into the driveway. He grabs the remote off of the couch and turns on the TV just as John's voice reaches the door.

“Okay, fine, I'll admit. For a crappy romcom, it was pretty great! Oh, hey Dave, we're back!”

Dave turns his head and give a barely-there nod. “I noticed. Have fun?”

“Yeah! We went to the movies and Karkat got mad at the snack guy because he gave him diet soda. It was great! You should've seen the poor guy's face!” He's laughing, and it lights up his whole face. Oh god.

_I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you-_

_"_ I-” John looks at Dave with a smile on his face, but turns his attention to someone hidden by the door. No contest who it is. Karkat Fucking Vantas.

“Fuckass, I thought we agreed never to mention that again.” Karkat grumbles. John just laughs.

“But it was so funny! He's going to be covered in soda for the rest of the day!”

Karkat sighs. “Yes. I know. You've said that. Twice.”

They both turn to Dave with their respective default expressions; a smile and a scowl. “Oh yeah, what was that you were about to say Dave?”

Dave can feel his face heat up and his brain begins to war with itself. The loser wins over. “Nothing, forget about it.”

John's smile drops somewhat, but Karkat doesn't notice. “Oh, okay.”


	23. Valentine's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave reluctantly helps Karkat do something super romantic for John on Valentine's Day.

It's the worst day of the year. Couples match their outfits, go on stupid cheesy dates, make out in the park, make out in the middle of the store, make out in the car at stoplights. It's disgusting. Stores are covered in horrifying colours specific to the season and the stuffed lusii get 5 sizes bigger.

That's right.

It's Valentine's Day.

His name is Karkat Vantas and he has no clue what to do. John obviously thinks this shitty holiday is the best thing since sliced grub loaf, and Karkat's willing to bet he expects the fucking moon from the troll. He's nervous. No, more than nervous; he's fucking panicked. None of his other relationships up to this point have worked out, and while John seems more than happy to be with him (which he loves to rub in Dave's face), he's afraid he could turn a corner and John'd be done with him. Needless to say he's given this day a lot of thought.

What does John even like? Karkat's romcoms don't really touch up on what to get a _guy_ (which he thinks is ridiculous; what about couples like he and John?) so he hasn't the slightest clue what'd be appropriate. Karkat can't get him flowers, that's just fucking sad. John hates sweets so chocolates or any other candy is out of the question. They already do romantic dates and shit.....

What the fuck is he supposed to do?!

Maybe he should ask.....

No. He is the romance expert. It is him. He can't shame his ancestors now, not over something so simple. He can do this. Just think.

And....

Aaaand.....

AAAAAAAAAND.....

Nothing. Maybe Karkat should ask him.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“Dave you lazy sack of shit I require your assistance.”

“No can do nubs I'm occupado at the momento.”

“That's not even fully Spanish you shit.”

“And how would you know that?”

“Just open the goddamn door before I fucking smash it!”

The door opens a moment later to reveal Dave in 'ironic' heart boxers and his signature shades. “If this is about your snake I ain't playin' snake charmer today. I have shit to do.” Karkat growls, “No dumbfuck. As much as it pains me to have to admit this..... I need your.... Advice.” Dave pushes off the door frame, smirking. “With what, exactly?” He could tell by Dave's tone that he knew exactly what the troll was talking about.

“Stop playing fucking games, Strider! I figured since you've been John's friend since you were little more than a blip in the cosmos, you could help me with some shit! So will you or not?” 

Dave walks back into his room and shuts the door in Karkat's face; Karkat grumbles curse words under his breath. Of course he wouldn't help, what was Karkat thinking. He's snapped out of his thoughts, however, when he hears the door open again to find Dave fully dressed and slipping on his shoes.

“If you're going to waste my time talking about your relationship with John, we might as well make a date out of it.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Karkat's walked around this park a good 20 times, and he still hasn't made any progress.

“You could serenade him.”

“I can't sing.”

“You could take him out on a super hot date.”

“We do that practically every fucking week.”

“And it's pathetic.”

“Shut your fucking mouth!”

“Make me.”

Needless to say this banter had been repeated several times and ended in more than one sloppy make out session.

“This is fucking useless. I should never have asked you.”

“Whoa now, don't give up on me yet nubs. As much as I hate you, John's my bro. I want him to have an awesome V Day. Just..... Give me a sec...”

Karkat groans internally. So. Fucking. Stupid.

“I got it.”

“What, finally found your think pan?”

Dave ignores him.

“We'll need a few things first. Lots of paper, a pen, and a shit ton of roses and candles..... How much cash you got?”

“I don't fucking know.... $40?”

“Fork it over.”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“Do you want to woo John?”

Karkat nods, refusing to look him in the face.

“Then do it.”

He does.

“Now, tell me why you like John.”

“Huh? Why?”

“This is crucial. Tell me _everything.”_

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“Are you sure this is going to work? I'm not good with words....”

“That's why we wrote everything down. Trust me, it's fool proof.”

“This is going to be a fucking disaster.”

“Calm your man tits, nubs. I saw it in a movie, it has to work.”

“Oh, why didn't you tell me that before! It's from a goddamn movie! How great! Apparently everything you see in the fucking movies is bound to work, who fucking knew? This is going to be absolutely fucking amazing, thank you for enlightening me to the fact that your brilliant plan came from a _movie_.”

“Shut the fuck up Karkles, I think I just heard John's car in the driveway.”

“Then get the fuck out!”

“Fine, fine! Stop pushing!”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

His name is John Egbert, and after a long day of work, he can't wait to see what his matesprit has planned for Valentine's Day.

He pulls up to the drive, already catching the sound of Karkat and Dave. Huh. Wonder what they're fighting about this time? John shrugs it off as a kisme-what's-it thing and heads up to the door. Suddenly Dave practically comes flying out at him and John has to side step him to not get run over. John laughs and helps him up to his feet. “Hi Dave! Why are you in such a hurry? And why were you and Karkat fighting?” Dave looks up at John after dusting himself off and smirks at him knowingly. “Oh don't worry about it. I'm heading out for a night on the town with Dirk, have fun with _Karkat_.” The way he emphasized the troll's name makes John raise an eyebrow. “Uh, okay. You too...” John turns around, grasping the door handle and yanking it open to find.....

Nothing. He puts his keys in the bowl on the side table and notices a piece of paper folded up in it. John opens it up, not really sure what he's looking at.

_Your dumbass smile_

What? What is that supposed to mean? John shakes his head and pockets the note, figuring Karkat is just playing a prank or something. He walks into the living room and turns on the light, sitting down on the couch. John finds this weird, usually everything's on when he gets home, so why is the house so dark? If the driveway is anything to go by, Karkat is still home, _so why haven't I seen him yet?_

John picks up the remote and puts his feet up on the ottoman, hearing a quiet crunch under his feet.

“What the hell....”

_Your deep blue eyes._

Another note. What is going on????

John gets up and walks to the kitchen, figuring maybe Karkat is hiding in there with a nice dinner or something. No dice. There's another note on the fridge.

_The way your laugh sounds like bells._

What is this supposed to mean? He's starting to get really confused. John walks through the house and find even more notes, each one confusing him more.

_Your wind-swept hair._

_Your soft skin._

_Your sense of humour._

_How you make the best of any situation._

_Your strength._

_Your loyalty._

_Your graceful piano hands._

_The way you frost a cake._

_The way you twirl a fork to pick up your spaghetti._

_The way you stick your pinky out when setting down a glass, just so it doesn't make a sound._

_How you talk with your hands._

_How smoothly the expressions change on your face as you hold a conversation._

You get to Karkat's door. There's a note taped to it and you pull it off, unfolding it slowly.

_I ran out of paper._

What?

John looks at the floor to find a faint light melting in from Karkat's room. He opens the door slowly and for a minute he forgets how to breathe. On the floor are dozens of rose petals. On nearly every flat surface are white candles; the only source of light. Karkat is leaning back in the centre of the bed, holding himself up with one elbow, holding a piece of paper.

_These are the reasons I love you._

John covers his mouth with his hands, and he can feel tears in his eyes. This is so much better than anything he could have expected. Karkat sits up, scooting to the edge of the bed and pulls the boy into a hug. John sits down beside him and they both just hold each other for what seems like an eternity before John pulls away. “I love you so much Karkat. This is all so amazing. How long did it even take you to-” He's silenced by Karkat's kiss, and John melts in his arms. Every move he makes is soft and passionate, and John can feel his chest tighten with all of the emotions running through his head.

Karkat slides a hand under his shirt and he sighs into the troll's mouth. John's hands wonder up his arms, feeling the defined muscles before stopping at his shoulders. Karkat's hand finds a nipple, making him gasp, and he leaves John's mouth in favour of trailing sensual kisses along his neck. At some point John ended up lying down on the bed. One of his hands wonders into Karkat's thick hair and grabs a horn, and he can feel the troll purring above him. Karkat nips at his jugular and John lets out a small moan.

Karkat's other hand moves to cup John through his jeans, and he can hear more than feel his breath quickening. The hand on John's chest is pushing at his shirt, and he raises himself up a little so Karkat can remove the clothing. Karkat starts to suck on John's other nipple and he lets out another moan, this one louder than the last. John forgets himself in the pleasure and his hands drop beside his head as all of his muscles weaken under Karkat's ministrations. John bucks up into his hand and he moves so that John can feel his arousal as well. John grinds up into him, and Karkat groans over his nipple, making him keen.

John's hands flit under his shirt, appreciating the smooth grey skin before he starts tugging at the form-fitting turtle neck. Karkat stops what he's doing just long enough for John to remove his shirt before he's back to nipping and sucking at the boy's chest. John's fingers brush over his grub scars and John grips his hips, bringing them down to his for more needed friction. Soon the two of them are grinding on each other in sync; a slow, languid motion, just enough that they can make this last. Karkat's thumbs hook onto John's jeans and he starts tugging them down his waist. John raises his butt to help Karkat and kicks them off when they get to his ankles, and he repeats the service to Karkat, leaving both of them in their boxers. There's a growing red spot on Karkat's, which makes John smile before Karkat reminds him what they're doing by biting down on his collar bone.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“Aw come on bro, if it bothers you that much you could bring Jake along with us.”

“I said no, man. I just wanna stay home and watch some shit chick flick. Is that too much to ask.”

“Uhmmmm, YES? We have a tradition! Come oooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnn.”

“I said no.”

“Fine.”

Dave sits down on Dirk's futon with a huff. He wonders if John and Karkat are having more fun than him.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

John tugs at the hem of Karkat's boxers and he gets up to take them off while John moves to do the same. Soon they're both sitting on his bed naked, enjoying the sight of each other. John leans forward slowly, and their lips meet in another slow kiss. Karkat gently pushes him down against the bed, climbing on top of him, never breaking the kiss. John starts to grind up on Karkat and he grabs the boy's shoulders, drawing him close. Karkat moves to his neck once again, and John moans on a less than light nip to his earlobe. The two of them grind on each other, the pace growing quicker and quicker until it's not enough.

“K-Karkat~.” John's face is hot and he isn't sure how much longer he's going to last. Karkat leaves him for a moment to get a bottle from his bedside drawer, and John shivers with anticipation. Karkat coats a few of his fingers and looks at John for approval; he nods and tries to relax. Prep always feels weird to John, so it's no surprise that he starts to squirm when Karkat enters a finger. He quickly puts in another and scissors them, and John can feel the pleasure through the uncomfortable feeling. Karkat enters a third and John arches his back when he hits his prostate, moaning loudly. “K-Karkaaaaat. Hurry up~!” Karkat's fingers leave John and he whines, feeling empty. Suddenly John can feel his breath on his ear, hot and heavy. “Fuck John..... Hold on.”

Karkat's hand wraps around John's dick and start to match the pace they had earlier. His bulge plays at the boy's entrance and he gasps at the heat, a great contrast to the cool lube Karkat previously used. It enters John slowly, filling him with heat, and his back leaves the bed. It moves inside him, stretching him and filling him in the best way. Karkat is panting above him and John sees white when Karkat's bulge hits his prostate hard.

John can feel a pressure building up in his gut and he tells himself to hold on a little longer. With his free hand he pulls Karkat down by a horn and kisses him feverishly. John gasps, and Karkat takes the chance to slide his tongue in John's mouth. He swallows the boy's moans, and John finds himself rocking into the feeling of being filled, wanting more. Karkat swipes the bead of pre off of John's cock and he can tell he's getting close. Karkat slams into his sweet spot again and if John were thinking coherently, he'd wonder why he hasn't broken his back yet as he comes off the bed in a feeling of ecstasy. John babbles something that might sound like Karkat's name, and his hands move up John's body, taking in every curve, every muscle as his bulge hits that spot again and John hits his climax. His insides squeeze Karkat in the best way and he's right behind him, red filling him and covering both of their chests.

Karkat moves to lay down beside John, pulling out with a quiet slurp. Gross. John needs a shower. But right now he just wants to cuddle. Karkat must have the same idea, because he wraps an arm around John's waist and pulls his head to rest on his chest. John lays there in perfect silence, enjoying Karkat's heat and listening to his heart thunder in his chest.

“I love you so much Karkat.”

“I love you too, John.”

John doesn't remember falling asleep.


	24. I Talk to the Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aradia visits John for a little heart-to-heart.

_~ Mid March~_

She's never been to Karkat and John's hive before. It looks very nice; the outside is a dirty tan, with forest green accents. A bay-style window opens up to the living room, and on the other side of the front door is the window to what must be Dave's room. Along the walkway, which hugs the edge of the house, are short bushes on one side, and a small garden on the other. The flowers are blooming in the light of early spring, and she takes a moment to bend down and smell some of the mums poking out of the soft earthen bark.

Her name is Aradia Megido, and she figured it might be fun to have a conversation with her friend John.

She rings the doorbell, not wanting to knock on the door since that would require moving the screen, and that might be a bit rude. She folds her hands in front of her and waits with a smile on her face until John comes to the door, a confused look on his features.

“Uhm... Hey, Aradia. Were you looking for Karkat? 'Cause I thought all of the trolls were going out to catch up on troll things-” She laughs and waves him off.

“No John, actually, I was looking for you! May I come in?”

He looks at Aradia dumbfounded before regaining his composure and stepping aside, gesturing her into the house. As she enters, she takes a look around. On her right, a memo board is nailed to the wall, stuck with a few thumbtacks and various notes for appointments or events. On the left, a wall about waist high separates the entrance from the living room. The living room is quaint, with a flat screen standing over a media center set up, DVDs and game cases covering all of the shelves. Along the wall, surrounding the TV, are various pictures of the three boys, all doing different poses or at different locations. Aradia stifles a laugh behind her hand as she locates a picture of Dave in a wedding dress. If her memory serves, that was the first Halloween after the game.

John is watching her patiently as she takes in her surroundings, and she smiles at him before the both of them sit on one of the couches outlining the living room space. The two of them sit there smiling at each other warmly for a few minutes before he clears his throat and stands. He regards Aradia with appreciation before asking, “Would you like something? We have soda, apple juice, coffee, water...” She smiles up at him, “Water is fine, thank you.” He nods and moves to the kitchen. She begins humming an old nursery rhyme from her old home when she hears John call from the kitchen, “Would you like ice with it?” Aradia nods her head before remembering he can't see her, and responds with a quick “Yes, please.” before going back to her song. He comes back a moment later with two glasses in hand, and gives her one before sitting on the other couch adjacent her.

Aradia takes a sip of her water before regarding John fondly. “It's been a long time, hasn't it John?” He nods, thinking. “I think the last time I saw you was at my birthday party last year.... Though it wasn't much of a party. Hehehehe...” Aradia smiles. “I see you're doing much better since then. I suppose this has something to do with Karkat? I heard the two of you are matesprits.” He nods, blushing lightly, and Aradia laughs. “So, what was it you wanted to see me about?” She jumps slightly, completely forgetting she had an actual reason outside of socializing. “Oh yeah! I thought Aranea might've told you I was coming?” When he shakes his head, she sighs a little. “Alright, well, I came today because she thought it might do you some good to talk about the game with someone who was actually, well, involved with your session.” John nods, absorbing what Aradia'd just told him.

“So, where should I start?” She thinks for a minute before answering, “Wherever you like. Take your time.” He nods, taking a moment before beginning.

“Well, I think it's pretty safe to say that when I heard about SBURB, I didn't expect it to, like, destroy our universe? That was pretty crazy. All of it was. One minute I'm chatting with Dave and Jade, the next Rose is tearing apart my plumbing!

“But That was just the basics. When that meteor came at me, I was so fucking scared. I thought for sure I was going too die, and I thought 'Yep, this is it, happy birthday me!' And then I wasn't on Earth anymore?

“The whole thing was crazy. There was no time to stop and freak out, or feel sorry for myself, because things had to get done. I had to look for my dad! A lot of it was terrifying, now that I think about it. We were just kids, 13 year olds, and we were torn from our homes to fight these weird creatures in harlequin outfits who wanted to kill us!

“And the quest beds, oh boy. That was probably the most intimidating thing, besides, you know, Jack. I didn't even know what to expect, and Vriska just put me to sleep without even asking me!

“I got cool powers, which I guess was an upside? The voice in my head was confusing though.... Well, anyways. After that, things started to pick up. I had already made the ecto babies and Jade and Dave were doing the frog thing, and I don't even know what Rose was up to.

“When I finally found my dad, and I had to fight Jack, I thought I was going to die for good. Not like with the meteor, where I saw it coming and thought 'oh, yeah, that's going to hit me probably.' No, this time it was a person, and I knew he was going to kill me! I almost wet myself, but I had to get revenge for my dad and Rose's mom.

“He suddenly showed up behind me and stabbed right through my chest. He didn't even get me in the heart. It hurt so much, dying. My chest was on fire and I could feel my blood pooling around me while I waited to finally just die. When I came back to life, that was _really_ weird. Not even my-dad-is-into-freaky-clowns-weird, just, _WEIRD._ Then I had to kiss Rose, which was gross, since she was a corpse and all. I wasn't even sure that would do anything, and I thought I was on my own again.”

He closed his eyes, taking a moment to just breathe, and Aradia put a hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes, looking up into hers, and she smiled, not taking her hand back until he smiled as well.

“That game took away my entire teenage life. It took away all of the chances I was supposed to take. I'm not saying I wanted to try drugs or be an emo or whatever, but that was over 6 years of my life! I didn't even get to go to high school....

“When the game finally ended and everyone was okay, I finally got a chance to just sit and _think_. Our parents were still dead, and we were adults, and we didn't know how things worked. I still don't, to be honest. Dave does all of the taxes and stuff. We missed so much of our lives, and we went through some really tough shit, and most of the time we weren't even sure what we were supposed to be doing or if we would make it out alive! It didn't seem fair.

“I guess all of that just.... Got to me. I mean, if I hadn't insisted on playing that fucking game, we would be on Earth and our parents would be alive, and we'd have gone to high school and maybe even college. Rose somehow got into a college, I think she tested in, but let's be honest, me and Dave could never do that!

“I just thought that all of this was my fault. I still do, I guess. There are upsides, like meeting you guys, and our kid parents, but still. I can't help but wonder.... What if? Ya know?”

The entire time John talked, his eyes were glued to his feet, but now they are cast up at the female troll's, searching for some form of understanding. She got it, she really did; she nods.

“While I can't say I know _exactly_ what you're going through, I do know how you feel. Has anyone ever told you what happened to me on Alternia?” John shakes his head, and Aradia closes her eyes. “Back then, me and Vriska didn't get along very well. We FLARPed a lot, and we were on opposing teams. Sollux was my matesprit, and Vriska knew I would do anything for him, and she knew how much I pi- loved him. She used that against me.

“She used her powers to control Sollux, and sent him to my hive to kill me. Of course, when I saw him outside, I didn't know that. I was confused as to why he was there, and I could tell something was wrong. Next thing I knew, Sollux was crying over my dead body and I was a ghost. He couldn't see or hear me. It felt horrible to see him in so much pain. I wondered every day what if. What if I hadn't had my rivalry with Vriska? What if I wasn't Sollux's matesprit? What if I never FLARPed?

“It took me a long time to get over my regrets. But that's normal. In fact, I don't think I was fully over them until I became god tier! It was great to be able to interact with Sollux again, as a robot, but seeing him with Feferi every day made me remember everything I thought I had become okay with. I was so apathetic in my death. I convinced myself if I became 'okay' with everything then nothing could hurt me and I couldn't hurt anyone else anymore. I didn't realize how bad I wanted a body until I got that damn robot.

“I still had normal emotions, I was still a troll. I wanted to be able to touch people, to feel warmth, and I was so lonely. I took out my misplaced aggressions on the things around me. It took a long time to be able to express myself again, and to actually be okay. I think, if someone had told me what I'm telling you, maybe I would have healed faster.

“I just want to tell you one thing, John.” Aradia grabs his wrists, turning his arms so that his scars are facing up. “This is not the answer. I know everything hurts right now, and I know it seems like there's no way out of this, but trust me when I say this; it _does_ get better. It might take a while, but if you stay strong, and surround yourself with people who care, you will get better. We all love you John, and we're all here for you. All it takes is patience and a little faith. We believe in you, we know you're a strong person, and we know you can make it through this.”

By the end of her speech, John is crying, and she hugs him. He tells her thank you, and says that it meant a lot for her to come by today. Aradia smiles and holds him for a while, letting him calm down before releasing him from the hug. The two of them smile at each other, and she can tell the smile on his face is genuine.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

By the time Dave gets home, Aradia and John are sharing early memories of the game, and he is in a considerably better mood, laughing loudly and holding his stomach. “And that time I threw a bucket at Karkat through this portal Jade made, that was PRICELESS!! I heard he totally flipped the fuck out!” She's laughing so hard, she barely makes any noise, and maroon tears sit at the corner of her eyes. “Oh my gosh, yeah! He was spasming and we were all so confused! Then the Mayor appeared out of nowhere and he was dead!”

John's hands fly to his face and his mouth forms a perfect 'o'. “Oh my gosh, what did you do?!” Aradia waved him off, reassuring him. “Oh, it was nothing to worry about. We passed through a dream bubble and a version of Feferi that became god tier brought him back to life.” Dave walks in and sits next to John. “Yep, and from then on, me and the Mayor were best bros. Second only to you, of course.” John laughs and hits him in the shoulder half-heartedly. Aradia could practically see the diamonds between those two. It made her smile. Dave looks at her. “So, Aradia, not that I don't like seeing my time sis, but are you gonna stay for dinner? I'm ordering Chinese, so I kinda need to know now.” She nods, figuring why not, and he gets up to go make the call.

“Oh that's right!” Aradia looks at John as he points at you. “You and Dave met on the meteor, huh? I bet you guys had all sorts of fun doing time stuff together.” She holds out a hand, tipping it side to side. “Kinda sorta. We didn't spend that much time together, since he hung out with Karkat, Terezi, and the Mayor and I hung out with Sollux, but yeah, we had our moments.” She smiles and he nods, satisfied.

Just as he opens his mouth to speak, Dave walks in. “So I made the order, should get here about the same time as Nubs McShorty.” John blows a raspberry at Dave, who smirks. Aradia looks up at Dave. “So, what exactly is Chinese?” Dave feigns hurt, holding his hand to his chest and letting out a mock gasp. “You've never eaten Chinese, Megido?” At her head shake, he sits next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Well today is your lucky day. Chinese is only the best food there is, crafted by the gods themselves for us lonely beings to feast upon when we are too lazy or stupid to learn to cook ourselves.”

John interrupts. “Uhm, Dave? Aren't _we_ the gods of this universe?” He turns his head to regard John. “Technically, I guess so. Not the point.” He turns back to Aradia. “What _is_ the point is that you are _so_ staying for dinner.” She laughs, relaxing into the couch, which groans lightly as the leather gives way to her body weight. “Alright! Who am I to say no to my time bro?” She and John laugh, Dave staring at them blankly through his shades as he sighs.


	25. Hot Blooded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave gets the flu, and it's really bad.

It started with a simple cough, maybe a sneeze here or there, nothing big. After a couple of days, he started to think he had a cold.

His name is Dave Strider. His best friend is dating his kismesis, Thanksgiving is in a few days, and he is sick.

By dinner on the third day, he's been confined to bed rest with a fever of 101°F (~39°C). He feels like complete shit. He's been eating nothing but crackers, water, and occasionally Gatorade because he feels queasy. He woke up early that morning puking all over himself, and John found him practically crying with puke all over his clothes and bed sheets. If anyone asked why he was crying, Dave would say it was the fever. Dave hasn't been able to keep much down since then. He has a bucket permanently at his side as he drifts in and out of consciousness and his chest hurts when he breathes. John comes in to check on him every hour on the hour, and Dave only knows this because somewhere in the back of his mind he's still keeping track of time through all of this. When John is in the kitchen or asleep, Karkat checks on him. Dave thinks the troll's not sure how to feel about the situation.

Dave's losing track of everything by the morning of the fourth day, and he wakes up vaguely aware that he's in John's bed. He must've puked in his again. Dammit. He shuts his eyes and tries to sleep through the pain in his chest.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave hasn't been able to keep anything down today. He can vaguely hear his friends enjoying Thanksgiving down the hall from him and it makes him a little sad that he's stuck in bed. That thought is quickly expelled with whatever stomach content he had left.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave wouldn't say he was awake, but he can tell he's not in a bed anymore. He shifts to remove his arm from his side and realizes he must be on the couch. He breathes in and winces, hissing on the breath out. It feels like someone took Zillyhoo to his chest. Dave feels a hand on his shoulder and opens his eyes to see John with a paper plate and a fork.

“Hey Dave, can you hear me? I need you to eat this, you look really bad. Can you do that for me?” Dave sits up while John grabs the thermometer to check his temperature. “You haven't budged. If you're still running a fever or puking in the morning, I'll take you to the hospital.” Dave tries to nod, but his head feels like dead weight. He wraps his blanket around his shoulders and forks a piece of ground beef. Within five bites Dave's nowhere near finished but he wishes to god he was. He doesn't know why but he feels really fucking frustrated. Dave looks up at John, who is trying to watch TV (to give him some space?).

“John,” Dave's voice is so weak. It comes out a whimper. John turns his attention to Dave, concern in his eyes. “I can't eat this. Please don't make me.” Dave feels exhausted. His chest hurts. His throat is raw. He wants to sleep. “Dave, you need to eat that, you look like you've lost a lot of weight.” Dave starts crying. “But I can't!” His body is weak as he slumps on the couch, shaking as tears roll down his face. John rushes over to Dave, grabbing the plate and sitting next to him. “Here, how about five more bites, okay? Rest your eyes, I'll help you.” Dave closes his eyes and opens his mouth when John says. He won't leave until he can tell Dave's swallowed it all. Dave hopes as he lays back down that this will stay down.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Twenty minutes later Dave's puking and sobbing into a bucket and John practically bolts out of bed to check on him. He swears under his breath as he rubs Dave's back and he just wants to stop. His chest hurts so bad. He can barely breathe anymore. Dave thinks he's going to die, and that just makes him cry harder. John disappears for a moment and Dave hears him waking up Karkat. It takes him longer than he'd like to figure out what time it is. Even then, it's because he looked at a clock, not because of his powers. Karkat swears and Dave hears thumping noises before both of them are rushing over to him with jackets and shoes on. Karkat sits Dave up while John puts him in his jacket and shoes, and as soon as he straightens up Dave's shivering and pulling the jacket closer to him. Karkat helps Dave stand up while John gets the door, and Dave has to hold his bucket as he walks to the car.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

The ride to the hospital is all a blur. Dave keeps coming in and out of awareness, and his head feels heavy. He's trying his best to breathe but he can only manage short gasps before his chest screams in protest. John and Karkat help him walk to the doors of the ER, trying to rush but not wanting to over exert him. When Dave reaches the counter, which rests at waist level, he leans heavily on it while John talks to the nurse on duty. Another nurse comes around the corner and sits Dave in a wheelchair after he fails to walk a few steps in a straight line. She takes him over to a scale and he tries to hold himself up by the support bars long enough to get a reading. John is freaking out because somehow Dave lost about ten pounds in about two days. He's sat down in the wheelchair again and he falls asleep.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave feels himself wake up, but he doesn't open his eyes. The first thing to come back to him is pain. Dave tries to take a deep breath and gasps in pain, trying to move, but someone is holding him down. He vaguely hears someone tell him to relax, and after a while he does. The next few hours are full of voices, severe pain, and the fear that he's going to die of a fucking illness. He's not even sure if resurrection is a thing now that the game is over. He's terrified.

Dave finally wakes up about mid afternoon the next day. His chest has lulled to a dull ache and his mind feels clear for the first time in days. John is sitting next to him with Karkat to his left, holding his hand. They both look relieved to see him awake. They also look tired, and Dave wonders if they slept at all in the time he's been here. Dave finally gets a chance to look around the room, and he notices he isn't in the ER. He looks at John. “Oh, yeah. Well. After they realized how bad off you actually were, and they couldn't get you better, they brought you to Intensive Care. You scared the shit out of me.”

Just then, the doctor walks in. “Ah, Mr. Strider, you're awake. That's good. How are you feeling?”

“A hell of a lot better, thanks. Starving though.”

He chuckles. “Well, we'd be happy to get you something to eat. What would you like?”

“You got pizza?”

“I believe so. I'll be right back.”

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

Dave ended up puking up his pizza, but after that he was pretty much not sick. They gave him a lot of soda for reasons unknown (more health problems = more hospital visits = more $ ). When he finally got home that night, Dave fell asleep to Mission Impossible. When he woke up, both John and Karkat were asleep on his shoulders. Dave smiled and went back to sleep.

Dave's glad he's alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this even CaK?  
> Lol who knows  
> maybe  
> probably  
> anyways  
> This chapter came from my experience with a shitty flu about 4 years ago. I have Type 1 Diabetes and somehwere along the line of the puke fest all up in here, my body stopped accepting the insulin my mom gave me, so thats why I was literally dying. Since Dave isnt a diabetic, I didnt really know how to explain it other than just a severe flu. I mean, anyones body can stop accepting insulin, but idk if I would've been any good at actually explaining that bit.


	26. Congratiltations, John Egbert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is now one year free of self-harm.

It occurs to John that it's been 9 months since he's self harmed. He didn't think about it much because he's relapsed so much that it almost feels like a lie. Where he used to boast every new month, now he hardly spares a thought about it to himself. Don't get it wrong, he's still proud of himself, but it seems like a dream that he's finally 3 months away from a year. He's never lasted this long before. The nightmares have blended into the background of his SBURB memories, and they don't effect him like they used to. Thanks to his therapist, he's learned to better cope with things, and when he finds himself starting to hit a low, he messages one of his friends, goes for a walk, or listens to music.

He can finally wake up in the morning and feel like he deserves to live.

He deserves to be happy.

He deserves the best.

And it's an amazing feeling.

John works at the counter at Alternia's Cove sometimes. He's gotten used to working in the back, but when he's craving human interaction no one hesitates to switch spots with him. Dave says John's smile feels more natural now, and that's a good thing. Every time he smiles it feels like his chest is filling with helium, and it's such a great feeling. John still has bad days, and he doesn't think that will ever change, but he just bows his head and charges through, because he knows it won't last forever. John feels like that talk he had with Aradia really helped him to straighten things out, to be honest. Since then, he talks to her nearly once a week. John's therapist said it was a good idea to have someone who knows what he went through and can relate. He doesn't always talk about that kind of stuff, but it always feels better to know the person he's talking to understands why he might have reacted a certain way to something without having to explain it.

In the past two years, so much has happened. John's self harm, Karkat and Dave finding out, having sex with both of them, becoming Karkat's matesprit, his suicide attempt, getting his job at Alternia's Cove, and now, his recovery. John visits his dad's grave (erected purely for closure, of course) every month to give him updates. He likes to think his dad would write him another one of his daddly notes and throw a cake in his face. He'll settle for the breeze in his hair though.

-\\_( ' v ' )_/-

“Is it ready yet?!”

“Chill Karkles I can only move so fast.”

“Yeah KK, calm the fuck down.”

“Shut up assbutt.”

“That's it, no more Supernatural.”

“What?! Fuck you! You're not my lusus!”

“He's right Karkat! You're dolphinitely being crabbier than usual!”

“Yeah well you can shut up.”

“Done. I hereby bestow upon you the masterpiece that is the Strider brand art. Not available for sale by anyone other than me. If I catch this shit in someone else's house the divine gods of all that is cool and ironic will strike you down.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever, let uth thee.”

The banner was horrible. It had crude drawings of butts and.... Were those dicks? With Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff in all their shitty JPEG glory “congratiltating” John on one year from self-harm. Even through it's shitty, it makes him smile. His name is Karkat Vantas and he is so proud of John Egbert for coming this far. He's throwing him a party with all of their friends, completely a surprise of course.

With the banner done, they're completely ready. Karkat hears John's car in the driveway and tells everyone to hide (getting 18 other people to hide all at once silently is near impossible). John opens the door and they all jump out yelling “SURPRISE!!!!!!” and Karkat swears his eyes can't possibly get any bigger. Karkat gives him a tight hug and kisses him soundly on the mouth before he pulls away to get dinner from the kitchen. After John has said hello to everyone and made some snarky commentary on the décor, they all sit around the table to enjoy some good homemade spaghetti. The chit chat lasts well into the night and when Karkat thinks they've waited long enough he brings out a giant ass cake Jane helped him with. It has white frosting with frilly blue trim and it says “We're so proud of you John!” in cursive. Karkat sets it in front of him and his eyes tear up.

“Now, I know that in this type of situation, the party would sing that god awful birthday song, but this is obviously not a birthday, so we're not going to fucking sing.

“I did want to do something, though, so you're just going to have to settle for listening to me get all sentimental and shit.

“I remember when I first looked at your life through my shitty screen and thought I was so much better than you. I was so fucking wrong. About everything. And I can't be more happy to say that I was.

“Watching you care for all of your friends, leading them, making sure they were okay, that they were alive, I realized I was wrong about you and me. I'm not better than you, because you're so goddamn perfect, I could never hold a candle to you.

“As we got to know each other, in person, I knew I couldn't live without you. Just knowing I would get to see your dorky ass smile made it worth getting up in the mornings when I didn't want to breathe. When I saw those scars for the first time, it damn near broke my heart, because the reason I had for living didn't want to live anymore.”

By this point, John is crying, and Karkat has tears in his eyes. He doesn't bother looking at anyone else.

“Loving you, and being loved by you; those are the greatest gifts I could have ever received. I am so. Fucking. Proud of you. For being so strong. For being able to face your fears, to face yourself, and coming out the other side alive, coming back to me.

“I know this past year has been really hard on you. Fuck, it's been hard on all of us, but we made it, you made it, and that's all that matters.”

Karkat's certain he's crying now. He can feel the tears on his face, but John is smiling through his own, and so he keeps going.

“As long as I have you by my side, I feel like I could get through any shit pile the universe throws at me. I don't need to worry about the future or the past, all I need to focus on is right fucking now, because as long as we have each other, none of the other shit matters. I love you so much John, and I'm so glad you're still here.”

John jumps up out of his seat and hugs Karkat hard. The others are clapping, but Karkat doesn't give a fuck. Karkat thinks idly that everyone is crying and maybe this isn't how normal parties are supposed to go, but who ever said any of them did things the normal way anyways. The others say their piece and then they all have cake. Karkat isn't a big fan of cake but he's willing to admit he would do literally anything for cake like this. Jane laughs when he tells her this between bites and John scoffs at him but eats his piece silently. Later, once everyone else has gone and it's just Karkat, John, and Dave on the couch, Karkat allows himself to finally relax. He'll worry about cleaning up the huge ass mess tomorrow. For now, he just focuses on the boys on either side of him and lets himself drift off to sleep, Nic Cage droning on in the background.


End file.
